not ocd related just a small rant 😔 i reached a point in life where having friends is just burdensome... i am very thankful for them, they were beside when i needed them and all but... this kinda relationship suffocates me and it feels wrong to feel this way... i am very close to them but i still have to watch my actions and my words to not say anything stupid that will make everything awkward or jus hurt them unconsciously and i have to explain myself to them in case they will get upset if i dont... and each time i say something stupid i just think about it all day and tell myself " why did you do that... you are the worst" and i just feel sad and disappointed in myself in a blink of an eye. my self esteem just hit rock bottom these past years since i got some new friends in highschool. i just seem to feel inferior when i see them all together having fun and i am just a social failure. and i really cant focus on all of them so it seems like i am ignoring them and i feel bad about it too.. i feel like they just dont match my personality and dont really understand me and each time i am with them i have to keep being happy and funny i just wanna leave everyone and be alone...

A lot of what youre describing i experience often with relationship ocd. It can be tough. I can relate to the feelings of wanting to be alone sometimes too bc it is so hard to manage, but I try to remember that isolation can often make things worse, so instead of giving into that i choose to lean in to my relationships with people

@kshoemaker625 really ? i didnt know... since im a bit introverted i thought it was just my nature...

@Lorelei It can definitely be a combination of things, it doesn't have to just be one thing or the other. I'm also introverted too. But a lot what youre describing (constantly watching your actions and worrying about what youre going to say, those feelings of guilt, etc) could potentially be considered obsessions and are super common thoughts and feelings with people who have ocd, especially if their ocd theme is relationships

@kshoemaker625 i thought rocd was only about romantic relationships ? pls tell me more ...

@Lorelei It doesn't have to be just romantic relationships, it can be any relationship. OCD likes to attack anything important to us. Im not saying its "for sure" anything because that would be offering reassurance, but just saying that a lot of things stated in your rant sound a lot like ocd/rocd.

@kshoemaker625 can you tell me what kind of thoughts you were having or how you felt ??

I think it can happen in friendships too. I feel like I've had those kinds of thoughts with friendships too. Be careful of searching too much on the internet bc it can border on reassurance seeking by comparing your thoughts and experiences to others. Ive read ocd is the "Doubting disease" bc it constantly doubts things. It can be anything from relationships (of any kind) to doubting if you did something correctly. Generally, if its something you find you're obsessing about and constantly questioning, its likely ocd is the culprit. Some of my thoughts are questioning if relationships are right for me, etc. Which is normal and something everyone does. Its when it becomes consuming and exhausting to think about and causes distress when it becomes more likely that ocd is behind it

@kshoemaker625 i see ... thank you for telling me kind stranger :")

@Lorelei You're welcome! One other thought I had that I'd like to share... it doesn't have to be ocd or just ocd either. I also have issues with depression and struggle in close relationships with others due to certain traumas. So if it doesn't fit ocd well enough for you to accept that, it would benefit to consider that if none of these people have actually done any harm to you, then it may not be the relationships themselves. Ive burned a lot of bridges in the past and i look back on it with regret, so I always advise to take care before considering pushing people out of your life that havent done you any harm. There's also nothing wrong with maintaining friendships with people while understanding that they may not always "get" you. With those, you can ultimately decide how close of a friendship that is based on that, but also understand that if they're not going through what you are it may be difficult to relate, but it doesn't always mean to cut them off. It doesn't have to be that black and white, although our ocd can tell us that! But since you stated they've been there for you, that's also a great quality in a friend and it can help to understand that they are there for you in the way they know how!

@kshoemaker625 yes i do agree with you... but i just dont really feel any connection to them anymore... i dont feel emotionally attached to them or anything its almost as if they were strangers. and i just think its unfair feeling this way when they probably do appreciate me ( i sometimes doubt it lol )

@Lorelei Those feelings can be common with ocd too, or even with any sort of mental illness. Its tough to connect with anyone when you don't feel connected with yourself. I go in and out of phases of feeling connected and disconnected with people. Its a normal part of human relationships. Its also ok to outgrow friendships, but if youre doing it just for the sake of isolating yourself, it can do more harm than good, and you may find yourself regretting cutting people off when it was just a temporary feeling. Im a big believer in not making a permanent solution out of a temporary problem. The great thing about friendships is that you can take some time out of them for yourself without necessarily ruining the friendship. If you need some time alone or space, that's ok. You can take that time for yourself, and true friends will understand and still be there on the other side of it.

@kshoemaker625 i have to agree with you here.... and i think u are right...maybe its just a phase and i shouldt take permanent decisions... i just hope ill stop feeling bad about every little thing

@Lorelei I hope so too! It comes with practice though. And like I said its ok to take space for yourself when you're feeling overwhelmed with it. Good friends understand when you just need some time!

@kshoemaker625 yeah... thank you again 😔😔

@Lorelei You're welcome! Take care of yourself, you got this!