My mind is so blank that I don’t know if I should write anything or do anything for my fuck up. I wish I knew how to get over my fuck up because sitting with these feelings of knowing I fucked up less than 2 yrs ago just leaves me empty and blank. I don’t know if I should write or email my therapist’s or just sit here and do nothing and feel nothing anymore. Drinking enough alcohol to get me drunk just makes me numb and when I took an edible about 2 yrs ago it made me feel like shit. I have absolutely nothing to keep me happy or make me happy everything I know all makes me feel nothing I’be tried to do things that me happy but idk anymore.

That was me being kind to myself believe it or not.

I wish I fucking knew. Anytime I want put my head up my thoughts remind me that I’m still fucked. I can eat healthy and workout and go out and still be fucked. I can try to remember me playing football but wait I can’t cuz I have thoughts that pop up preventing me from any kind of happiness so it just makes me feel like shit.

Like my mind stops me from thinking about being great anymore my happiness is just non existent old things that used to make me happy doesn’t make me happy anymore.

Like I kept telling my therapist but yet I’m still not me and now I all I can do is wait I guess. I mean idk anymore I’ve tried getting over the top I’ve tried to sit with my feelings to get happy again but my mind just won’t budge I mean today I could barely even remember that I used to play football and was a football player most of my life but yeah I should be ok cuz I’m on medication and yet I still feel like shit..

@swolejaboy It may be time for some professional help! Have you worked with an OCD specialist before? You may not be able to eliminate intrusive thoughts, but you can certainly learn to manage them in a much healthier way where they aren’t stripping your life of so much. It sounds like you’re also depressed. And you may need to work on doing some “behavioral activation” techniques to get this whole process going. If you wait until you feel ready to get started, you probably never will. The idea is we have to start acting the way we want to act and the feelings will follow. You’re numb right now. So it’s going to take more than emotions and positivity to get started. Write out a list of reasons you want to get better. Read it every morning and use it to take one small step at a time. They add up quickly.

Anything that did make me happy is all in the past and I guess I’m a have to just be depressed for the rest of my life doing things all because... I really don’t have no fucking clue what I should be doing not even at this moment in time do I know what I should be doing to make me happy. I want to ball out and cry but I can’t. I want to be happy and that a no go which leaves me with being stuck and not knowing who I was or what I want to be.

@swolejaboy You can’t force happiness. And happiness isn’t even necessarily the goal. It’s more like a fleeting feeling that’s nice to have around. But we can’t “get happy” just by sitting with things. Happiness generally comes from engaging in activities you find valuable and achieving goals you work towards.

@pureolife I’ve tried writing a list but nothing comes out. Like literally nothing comes the fuck out.

@pureolife I’ve tried like I really try. I really do try my best but I just can’t get my mind to write any goals or do anything that is worth doing. All I’m doing is just doing with no idea on what I should be doing or going after everything just gets blank everytime I try to say I want to get better the thoughts pop up tormenting me reminding me of what thoughts I have and yet no one knows what to do with me anymore.

@pureolife I literally can’t. I don’t know how many times I need to reiterate to my therapist’s that nothing pops up anytime I want to do things to get better my intrusive thoughts pop up and I stop. I wish I knew what goals I want in life like everyone else. I could say I want to get better but better for what? My mind goes blank and I can hear the stupid OCD thoughts interfering with my life.

@pureolife You could ask me anything and nothing will pop up. I could say something but it would just be me writing it.

@pureolife I haven’t waited for nothing which is why I just went with a different therapist to get better. I’m also poor and can’t afford all therapies I need and I haven’t even heard back from a therapist that’s supposed to be getting back to me to schedule a dbt session.

@pureolife Everyone tells me I’m ok and yet I can’t even write any goals down without my OCD tormenting me everytime. Like I’m literally trying what you told me to do which is write a list and I can’t. I wish I can post a pic of me trying to write a list of goals and that’s all I got. No one seems to think I’m not tormented but I am. No one understands the pain I’m in. I’m just suffering and just want help. That’s all I want. If that’s a goal then ok. I just really want help.

@pureolife Usually wanting help means it’s cuz I have goals and yet I can’t even write any like how sad is that?

@swolejaboy How about this: can you create a list of the things you WISH you could want? Right now: you want nothing. I get it! That’s some shitty depression you’re dealing with right now and I’m so sorry. Numbness like that can be torture. Sometimes, motivation cannot comes from current emotions we have because we just don’t have them. But usually we have an idea of what we wish we wanted.

@pureolife Nope just tried still tormented by thoughts.

@pureolife I’m not joking and I’m not being an ass. Everytime I want to say anything positive my thoughts pop up which kills the drive.

@pureolife Ok I had to agree with them so I can write my list without it interfering with my list.

@swolejaboy What are your intrusive thoughts? Maybe if I understand your obsession a little better I can offer better advice.

@pureolife Well the words dude,dick pop up and the only other times they pop up is when I see a chick and it keeps me from being able to read and to memorize what I just read. I messed up about 2 yrs ago doing ERP and i just haven’t been the same since then.

@pureolife That’s why I don’t see the point in doing things cuz they pop up mostly. I’ve done ERP with looking at pictures of women and letting the thoughts go but I’m a little unsure of how to react afterwards in the response prevention aspect of that therapy.

@swolejaboy I see! Well it’s okay if those words pop up. And yes: the response part of ERP can be confusing and make the exercise useless if you don’t know what to do! I’m so sorry these words are tormenting you. This seems like very classic OCD to me. What are you typical responses to these thoughts?

@pureolife Not sure. I’ve never really had any luck with women and I always found myself not trying and just sticking to a healthy lifestyle and working out and having a cheat meal once a week. I mean I get it I’m a good looking guy who doesn’t do stupid things like drink a lot and smoke but yet they never understood if I don’t maintain my lifestyle I don’t look the same and don’t really want to change my way of life to be with them. So I always just found myself being alone and wanting to have a good job to where I can live on my own and have my own stuff. I mean you can’t wait to for the right one to come you just have to keep living your life knowing you don’t really have much in common with. I mean I used to be able to think about women and going on dates with them and seeing how things could go but I always never acted on it cuz I was afraid of getting hurt and I used to think a women could never love me the way I would love her so I just kind of started to not care and go about my life. Like I just got sick and tired of peoples asking me or telling me I need a GF and yet I have yet to see one chick date someone like me who also has the same taste as me when it comes to things and haven’t quite found the right mix of what I want a women to be. I’ve never liked a really outgoing women before but yet that’s all I seem to attract. I just have no idea how relationships start or how people who don’t have nothing in common end up together? Like I have not seen a successful couple not like the same things or do the same things. That’s why I’m like not even looking for it. It’s like I have to change my interest to be with a chick cuz just working out and eating healthy and having a cheat meal once a week isn’t going to get me a GF. At least it never did for me. Idk in a way it makes me sad but I can’t change what makes me happy cuz being fit and healthy is a positive with a negative of not having interests that some chick may have. Like none of the chicks I’ve dated are with dudes who are like me which proved my point and chicks who’ve liked me are with dudes who are like me. The dudes they are with are more like them then they are like me. I mean my younger brothers don’t have GFs either and neither one of them even drinks or smokes either so that basically cuts half of the chicks out for them. So that’s why it’s still depressing even without the thoughts being there. It doesn’t change the fact that I don’t meet women who make me say wow she’s great without there being a flaw that makes it impossible.

@pureolife I guess it resembles what ROCD is when they pop up from what I wrote.

@swolejaboy I can see you have a lot going on in your head right now and are struggling a lot. I’m sorry for the pain you feel. When I told you to make a list and you said you couldn’t because of the thoughts that said “dude” and “dick” and those stopped you from being able to make that list, what did you do? How do you respond to these thoughts day to day? What do you say to them?

@pureolife Nothing. I just shake my head. Like why am I not suprise something else is fucking with my life pretty much.

@swolejaboy And then? You said you couldn’t create the list because of them. What stopped you?

@pureolife The thoughts. It doesn’t just go away it when I acknowledge them I wish it did but it doesn’t.

@swolejaboy Idk knowing that I’ve had thoughts all my life is making me rethink how smart I actually was and how smart I am today. I mean once I get going on something I can keep going and I can fucking calculate numbers better then my own fucking GM at my job and he’s my GM all because he’s sold his soul to the devil and just plays the stupid game how it’s supposed to be played and I’m over here wanting to play my own game which is why I’m just some front desk agent and not telling somebody I have to let you go cuz you ain’t good enough for my team.

@pureolife I even came up with a better schedule on how to deal with our housekeepers but since he didn’t want to give me any credit he did the opposite that doesn’t even make sense.

@swolejaboy I’m having a hard time following a bit. The thoughts won’t necessarily go away just acknowledging them. But if you just allow them to be there, give them space without judgment, they will eventually leave on their own. You mentioned that you had to “accept the thoughts” to try to make a list. And wonder what that means. I think it might be helpful to journal a bit. When this happens, note down: what was happening when these thoughts came up? What did the thoughts say? What did I do in response? Over time, a pattern may become more clear. Without identifying your own pattern, it will be hard to slowly change it effectively.

@pureolife I just agreed with the thoughts to quiet them. They’re pretty loud so everytime I wrote something down they always came up and I had to keep agreeing. Anytime I want to do anything positive I get The thoughts holding me down. When I took a few extra days off from work getting off my bed my I would get thoughts saying NO you’re still gay. Anything positive I do all the negative wants to come out and stop me from doing it.

@pureolife When the dude, dick pops up I get frustrated cuz I don’t know what I should be doing to quiet them. Agreeing can only get you so far. I want to get better but I don’t know how. I’m not even sure I can pay my new therapist cuz it’s a little too expensive for the pay I’m earning at my job.

@swolejaboy Okay, so it sounds like you’re stuck in a depressive loop where you have intrusive thoughts whenever you try to do something positive. And the only way you know how to deal with them or get them to be quiet is to agree. I think it’s important to understand that you can keep doing whatever it is you’re doing even with the presence of these thoughts. You’re choosing to stop every time they come up to give them attention and then try to get rid of them by agreeing (which can be effective as a technique for some people, but I’m wondering if in this case it has become a compulsion.) I would challenge you to stop trying to quiet them! And to keep doing exactly what you were intending to do even as they pop up. And even as they get louder. And even as they make you more and more uncomfortable. Complete your task to the end and then let the thoughts and anxiety just be there and leave on their own whenever they’re ready. For ERP: I’d make a list of the things your thoughts stop you from doing (pick a large range from big to small, from taking a shower or getting out of bed to going after life goals.) order them from least important/distressing to most important/distressing. Then start from the beginning. Practice getting out of bed or taking a shower or whatever that first thing is again and again allowing the thoughts to be there without letting them stop you or agreeing with them. It will likely be very hard at first, even for the smallest thing, but it will get easier with practice. After a week or two of doing this every day, see how you feel. Is the distress less than half as bad as it was when you started? If so, go to the next list item.

@pureolife I’ve already let the thoughts go. That’s what I usually try to do and have been doing but I get stuck and nothing really comes out and I still do what I need to do but I’m still not over the top. I’ve let the thoughts be there and not agree but I’m still not over the top yet and idk why.

@pureolife I only started to agree again cuz I needed these thoughts to be a little quiet cuz I’m not sure.

@pureolife I know you’re trying to help. But I’m unsure. I keep going about my day trying to be ok and hoping when I wake up I can be in my body. I’m a keep going and see what happens. All I can do right now is work and workout and if something good comes out of it then good.

@pureolife Ok so I’m confused. Am I not supposed to have the thought or am I supposed to distract myself when the thoughts come? Like it doesn’t make sense. Either I let the thoughts come out or I go about my day knowing the thoughts are inside my head and be like oh well?

@pureolife I really don’t understand anymore. All I know is is I can’t read a fucking book all because I still have these thoughts inside my head. Isn’t there supposed to be some type of ERP so that I can go about my days doing the things I like to do? Obviously I’m troubled but yet no one can give me the right fucking ERP to do. I can’t keep distracting myself with things I like to do if the thoughts are going to stay there. I don’t want to live like that.

@pureolife Look I’m just tired of people telling me you can go about your day doing what you like to do even though you have thoughts. I literally fucking can’t but I can. Idk if that makes sense but it’s the truth for me. This is my story. This is what I have to deal with. It makes me sad, and angry. Either I have to move away and be all by myself at least having access to a gym all to myself or I live in horror and agony all the rest of my life being tormented cuz I just don’t know what to fucking do anymore.

@swolejaboy I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. I’m trying to understand the thought cycle you’re stuck in but it’s hard to nail down and feels like a lot of things you’re saying contradict one another. You know yourself better than anyone. And I think some journaling could really help you start identifying which patterns are keeping you stuck and need to be broken. I understand that it’s not just as simple as ignoring them and acting normal. That’s not what I’m implying and I’m sorry if it sounded that way. You can’t ignore them. But you can make space for them without giving them total control. Generally I try to look at the pattern of what people are going through, not the content. When you can identify: trigger, obsession, and compulsion, you can use those to design your ERP, and to learn exactly what you need to resist when triggered. You mentioned you’re working with a therapist, are they an ocd specialist? Most therapists are unfortunately not very helpful with pure o unless they are a specialist.

@pureolife Yes I’m working with an OCD specialist. I literally can’t make space for them. I mean how do you make space for something that interferes with you actual thoughts meaning the thoughts for women. That’s a constant thought but it becomes horror when it’s something gross that pops up and not actually a women. My therapist wants me to play dumb basically and just recognize what’s going on and not let my surroundings control my actions. It’s just tough when I’m constantly being triggered not by my choice. It’s my fault for getting better cuz it’s making people try harder around me to feel better about themselves and I’m constantly being triggered by people in purpose. Yes I get my therapist wants me to not care about it but my body and mind does care about it and it wears down on me mentally and I fall into a cycle of depression and back out of it which basically starts me back down and needing to rise up again and again and again. But even I have my limitations and yet. I do try my best but I’m a human being it’s only natural that I’m going to get depressed everytime I’m being tormented. That’s all I’m going to say cuz being on here chatting and explaining my issues is a compulsion.

@swolejaboy Sorry I couldn’t be more help. Keep sharing what you can with your specialist. They know much more about your history and symptoms than I do and are better equipped to help sort this out. The only other suggestion I have is to dive into some professional readings on ocd. Perhaps having the process explained out in a very detailed way would help: https://ocdla.com/ocdreadings I’m so sorry you’re suffering. Do try to be kind to yourself. You deserve a lot of self compassion right now.

@pureolife It’s fine. I’m on my own. My therapist’s won’t believe that I know my body well enough or think I don’t know what is wrong with me. They want to create some fake illusion to make me get anxiety but there is no fake illusion that’ll ever make me feel differently about what’s going on with me. All I know is is I can’t do effective ERP at home or at work. My only option is a health facility or hopefully get a high paying job to where I can have my own place and do effective ERP work there but that is my option. I know damn well when my thoughts are being triggered by not what I’m seeing but what I am feeling. Nothing will ever get me to think differently about myself cuz I let my thoughts come I don’t agree I let them rationalize themselves if they can and if they can’t they just can’t it doesn’t get me anxiety it just gets me in a depressive state and numbness so if I got to do this on my own cuz my therapist want me to be stupid about my symptoms well it’s too fucking late so they can either deal with me knowing what I know or don’t deal with me at all.

@pureolife I’ve already read one of the books on there and it’s what started me on my ERP. I found out my compulsion and I just have to sit with the feelings the compulsion made up. It’s hard and I understand sitting with the feelings my compulsion creates caused my issue now. I can only go about my day as if it were regular and hopefully my mind will stop compulsing so I can be me again.