I don’t know how I’ll ever have sex with my husband again. We haven’t been intimate in a very long time, probably a month and a half. I don’t know how to start or feel like I’m into it. I feel like I need to think of feminine things to get aroused. I feel like my journey with HOCD will never end. I feel inadequate. I don’t even like my relationship and think frequently about other men or if I would like to be with a woman. I don’t like my relationship because at this point we are roommates and I don’t know how to initiate intimacy anymore. I don’t even kiss him. I’m truly struggling and incredibly depressed. I feel miles away from him and at this point, I’m not fully convinced there’s anything I can do to make it better. Part of me wonders if random sex would be easier because there’d be no pressure on myself. Tl;dr insanely depressed over deteriorating relationship, most definitely due to my own OCD and inability to have sex.

It’s not even that though, it’s like a complete fear that that’s all that’s ever going to arouse me or that I can’t be aroused by him. It’s very bizarre

@wellwellwell so you do get aroused by those things? so what?

@holley I don’t know. I really don’t know how to cope with it. I feel like my mind won’t let two things be true. Do you still enjoy sex despite all of this?

@wellwellwell yes i do! and i get very aroused at the thought of having a threesome with a girl but i feel bad about talking about it with my boyfriend yet it’s just so hot!!! it’s so hot. when i masturbate i don’t think about my boyfriend i think about lesbian things and such.

@holley I just don’t know why I can’t think of him and get off. That really really bothers me.

@wellwellwell i cant either. it’s so hard for me. i cant think about him i have to think of lesbian sex.

@holley yet he is able to make me squirt 40 times in one day...

@holley So when you’re having sex with him you just think about him?

@wellwellwell the thoughts are always intruding no matter what. i just try to be present in the moment

@holley I guess my biggest question is you don’t need lesbian fantasies or anything to think of when you’re with him?

@wellwellwell i mean not really the thoughts just are there, like background noise i don’t actively use them to help me get wet he is able to do things ik no one else could do to me but yet the while upset about the threesome is bothering me. i just feel bad about even bringing that up and talking sexually about it with him it’s like i’m using him i’ve never done this before i feel like shit who am i :((

@holley I feel the same. I’m so depressed. I feel like I’m using my husband too. I don’t want a threesome but maybe I do? And the fact that sex is so hard really hurts

@wellwellwell i’m sitting here just crying while he’s on the phone. i hate this so so much.

@holley I’m so sorry, I hope I didn’t upset you.

@wellwellwell no no, not at all. it’s so funny how we are going through something similar. do you like think of lesbian things when you masturbate??

@holley No, but a lot of people do and that’s okay!

@wellwellwell I think of erotica where men use women and a lot of times it’ll be like a woman’s body being used by a man!

@wellwellwell well that’s actually good! and i don’t think it’s okay:(

@holley it is okay. It is. You just said you’re aroused with your boyfriend. Honey, it’s ocd back again. You know where you stand but ocd still bugs you because it’s ocd! Please do not fret❤️

@wellwellwell i just can’t think of him i cant. i have to fight to think of him when i masturbate.

@holley That’s okay too. All of this is okay. Lots of women use lesbian porn to masturbate and like sex with men. You’re going to be okay. Let yourself off the hook just this once.

@wellwellwell @holley @wellwellwell I’m curious to hear about your backstories. I feel like we are on similar posts along with @anxiousgirl . Age? State? Hobbies? Curious to get to know people beyond their ocd

Thank you for sharing😊 we can get through this together!

i am only able to fantasize about women but do you masturbate and think of lesbian things bc i cant even think of my boyfriend. me and him were talking about a threesome (just the fantasy of it) and now i feel so terrible because all i want is him :(

@holley I masturbate all the time to lesbian porn or the thought of being with a woman but in real life I want to be with a man. It’s a weird feeling but i can assure u it is sooo common. If you google it there are many articles on this!

@Anxiousgirl i don’t watch porn but i have to think of lesbian sex in order to cum but i don’t do this when i’m with my boyfriend at all :/

@holley Don’t be ashamed of it. I just spoke to one of my straight friends recently and she said she sometimes has to think of lesbian sex while having sex with her boyfriend to cum. From all the years of having sex (I lost my virginity at 18 and I’m now 27) I never once came from vaginal sex, only oral sex. I learned (even in my sociology class in college) most women can’t even cum from regular sex. And a fantasy is just a fantasy. It doesn’t mean you want to do it in real life or that something is wrong with u. I was raised Muslim so the fact that I had HOCD as a teenager was really hard on me and my parents didn’t react well at first.

@Anxiousgirl i totally get it, for me it’s just a terrible feeling. i’ve been crying for the last 3 hours over me talking sexually with my boyfriend about a threesome the other day. 3 hours i’ve been crying about how i’m scared for life to lose him yet having a threesome in reality would tear us apart. that makes me so sad. i feel like i hurt him by bringing up me talking about doing things with a girl but he was like why are you making such a big deal out of nothing it’s not like it’s going to happen, i am ashamed i talked about that with him i am because i want it to be me and him i don’t want to embrace it because it will get to the point where i will actually want to do it.

@holley Every guy I’ve been with has liked the idea of a 3 sum and talking about it. Don’t sweat it. I don’t want to give you reassurance but it says you are 17 and I was just as anxious about this subject at your age. Even though I’m only 10 years older, I’ve been through the ringer with this ocd and I think you should have some compassion towards yourself. Sexuality is a very fluid thing and you shouldn’t judge what you fantasize about. It’s really weird to explain. I love being with men but really get off at the thought of being with a woman. I have a period tracking app called “Flo” and there is a forum section with a bunch of straight girls talking about masturbating to lesbian porn or the thought of being with a woman. When it comes to HOCD, embrace all thoughts that come in and embrace the uncertainty. I know it’s scary. I should take my own advice when it comes to my real event ocd currently (which was bought on by PTSD by men unfortunately) but no matter the theme this is the key to overcoming ocd. But since I’ve overcome HOCD I know this is the way. I was able to do it with that theme. I think it’s harder for me now because I have ocd mixed with PTSD, depression, and a possible alcohol problem. Take it from me. You will get through this. You are not alone. ❤️

@Anxiousgirl It’s interesting because I’ve had the same experience as your friend. I’m now 24. Also interested in your comment of being raised Muslim (me as well). Curious if you wouldn’t mind sharing how the culture/ religion has attributed to your anxieties if it has at all?

@Nyc0011 Culture/religion has made my life so difficult actually. I was raised in a Turkish Muslim household but in New York. My parents are Americanized but turn Turkish Muslim when raising me. I used to be religious but then went wild when I went to a party school for college (Penn State). I started drinking, smoking, having sex, going wild. Everything that went against my culture. After college my parents lost all their money and I learned the hard way. I joined a sugar baby site as per the influence of my cousin and friend and got taken advantage of (taken to motel rooms and not paid and taken in a bar basement for a blowjob, when these men all promised me it was like dating not prostitution). I now deal with the shame of these things along with my ocd. My current real event ocd makes me obsessed with my reputation. I think, “what if I was secretly recorded and put on porn sites?” Or I think if I open up to a partner about these past traumas they won’t want to marry me. I had a narcissistic Egyptian ex when I lived in Dubai for a year and he used to use my past traumas against me and tell me “how can I marry you?” It’s made me hate Muslim men. I’m too anxious to hide my past as I tend to confess a lot of thing and just want someone to accept me and my past mistakes. It’s hard as a Muslim because I still hold it in my heart but went astray for many years. When I first had HOCD when I was a teenager my parents first reacted by saying I should be shot since homosexuality is a sin in Islam. Then they calmed down and sent me to OCD therapy. It was really hard. The f’d up thing is my parents were raised in Brooklyn and I saw pics of them from the 80s drinking and partying yet they turn Muslim when raising and scolding me, like walking contradictions. Even at 27 I’m in a constant struggle living a double life as an American Muslim. I feel extra shame because of how I was raised and with the OCD I feel worse about myself. It’s a daily struggle.

@Anxiousgirl I can relate to bits and pieces of you story. My parents are religious but have become more relaxed then when I was being raised (had to hide a lot of things). Now that I graduated and have a full time job I think they’re super proud. It’s not so much the expectations they put on me but the expectations I put on myself being first generation. I suffer from extreme generalized anxiety and my therapist thinks - perfectionist OCD, relationship OCD rears it’s ugly head when I feel like I’m disappointing someone, someone’s mad at me, I said or did something wrong (while drinking even tho I know it’s not that embarrassing). I’m sorry about the shame you feel and the struggles you’ve been through. I myself am more spiritual then religious but I found this book on Amazon “ secrets of divine love” that really offers spiritual wisdom in Islam without being preachy. More philosophical and quotes. I think you might enjoy it. Reputation can be a major trigger for me to - ex: after a party what does everyone think of me? It’s almost like I want to go through a panel and get a yes/no vote. I work in New York actually and live in a jersey. Small world

@Nyc0011 Thanks for sharing! I’ll definitely look up that book. I work in the city but live in Long Island. I’m currently working from home. My parents raised me like a perfect princess and when I started getting into trouble and straying away it’s almost as if my mom views me as used goods now. She has strong opinions sometimes and it hurts my feelings. Now that I’ve been in the shoes of people who have gone through trauma, addiction, etc, I have more empathy and I have a more well rounded view than when I did when my parents were raising me and sending me to Quran class. Now I have agoraphobia in New York because I always think what if I run into the sugar daddies and what if they know people I know? It’s a shame because I love New York. I think I took off to Dubai for some time to escape and I just ended up back here anyway. People keep telling me my fears are like a slim to none chance and the men are the ones who should be afraid, not me. It’s a long story. At the time I was so fed up with living in my parents toxic household and I was in major debt. The sugar baby site advertised itself as dating. It’s really just sugar coated prostitution. My cousin went and married some old rich guy twice her age so I guess I had some of that influence too. I tried it for a few months and met the worst men who exploited me, yet I punish myself and have shame as if I was some prositute for many years. I think I’m way too hard on myself. But because of the way my parents raised me culturally always focusing on my reputation, my OCD clings to things from the past and I think the worst case scenario. In my case I just have to sit with the uncertainty which is hard.

@Anxiousgirl Definitely hard sitting with uncertainty. Have you had therapy what’s the exposure advice?

@Nyc0011 Yes I’ve had an ocd specialist since I was 14 and then when I stopped affording her I went on the BetterHelp app. I got lucky with my therapist who was a psych professor and specializes with trauma in veterans. She’s doing cognitive processing therapy. So whatever negative thoughts I have about myself I do worksheets and label my “stuck points”, then with repetition doing the worksheets and rephrasing my words I rewire my brain over time and have more self compassion. It’s hard to do exposure now during pandemic because I’m not going into the city but I do exposure by writing down my traumas and she has me read them to myself everyday until I become numb to it. It works but I do have my bad days and I feel alcohol makes it worse. I’m just so bored during this pandemic and feel like I’m in the twilight zone. I feel like when I get my life back again and get busy I won’t be in my head so much. I’ve lost friends over the years and don’t have many left in the New York área so it’s been lonely.

@Anxiousgirl Can the worksheets be found online? I have a lot of stuck points as well. Drinking definitely makes it worse and lasts for days after. My boyfriend and I have decided to stop drinking for a while due to our anxieties and the after effects of alcohol

@Nyc0011 You can try to google the worksheets. It’s called Cognitive Processing Therapy. My therapist sends them to me so that’s how I know. If you can look up just a example of one or a setup of it then you can make your own worksheet. That’s great you and your boyfriend stopped drinking right now. It affects serotonin in the brain. I don’t have insurance for meds so sadly I turn to alcohol on the weekends to let loose. I know this is an anonymous app but I’ve made a few friends on here. If you ever need a friend to talk to who understands the struggle with ocd and anxiety my Instagram is @yassiebat . I figure since we’re both from New York area I’ll put myself out there lol I totally understand if you’d like to remain anonymous though!

@Anxiousgirl Thank you for the worksheet names. I’ll be looking it up. I’m sorry that you don’t have insurance unfortunately that’s an extra burden on people with anxiety and ocd. Is there anything you can resort to that doesn’t involve alcohol on the weekends?? I know it’s a nice thing to take your mind off of things but it really just blankets and packages the problems for later! Also I’ll be saving your insta handle. Thanks so much for having the confidence to share. As soon as I am comfortable enough to crawl out of my anonymous shell I’ll reach out to you. More than happy to continue talking in this thread if you ever feel you need someone!

@Nyc0011 Of course! Specifically look for an ABC worksheet, challenging beliefs worksheet, patterns of problematic thinking worksheet, etc. Yeah I’m always here for you as well! I’m pretty active on this app for the most part. Yeah unfortunately as per New York State law I can’t use my dads insurance over 26 and I work as a temp now. I was gonna be put on permanent staff but the pandemic happened and they halted on boarding so I’m stuck as a temp with no benefits 😒

@Anxiousgirl hey i was going to ask a question how long did it take for your hocd to go away it’s almost been 5 months for me.

@holley Hi Holley. It took me a few years but everyone is different. I had some obstacles and when I first got it my parents freaked out with their conservative views and told me I should be shot. My mom would give into my reassurance seeking and google men with me to see if I was attracted to them. Also the fact that it was my first ocd theme and I didn’t know what was happening and neither did my parents until I got diagnosed. They are old school and think I can just snap out of things. Over the last 13 years they have evolved but it was definitely hard for me as a teenager and wish I had my future self to talk to the younger me. Once I went to college and explored myself more I realized how common it is to like lesbian porn or fantasies, and I became more comfortable with it. My OCD was so bad I think partly because of my sheltered religious upbringing. I was really naive before college. Now all these bad things happened to me and lesbian things are the last thing on my mind and i have full blown real event ocd. Hang in there. It could be gone tomorrow, a few months from now, a year from now. It’s all OCD no matter the theme. I am happy to offer advice and support because I know how scared I was when I was going through HOCD.