I think I’m done with therapy. If it makes me depressed that all I can do is work mediocre jobs all because I have an arousal feeling and weird thoughts preventing me from actually looking at a chick like regular then so be it. Working out and working as a dasher is all I need in my life then. I’m tired. I have better things to do then to sit here at my job not doing shit. And no don’t give me the same bull shit that what’s wrong with sitting here and not doing shit if you’re getting paid? It’s fucking stupid as fuck. I’d rather be at home chilling not doing nothing not getting paid. At least I can watch TV or a movie right about now. I mean I can’t read a book but that’s fine. I can’t even remember why I first started to read books anyways to be honest. I’d rather just workout work here and there and chill. I’m not worth it at all anymore like I used to be. All I do is workout and chill and eat healthy most of the time who has weird thoughts preventing me from having a normal life. I’m looked at as some weirdo now so I’m really not worth it to a women now so no point in trying to be my best self if no therapy at all is going to help me be my best self whoever that is cuz I honestly don’t fucking no what my best self looks like.

Well to be honest therapy didn’t even make me better it was me not giving up on myself that I found out what my real problem was. If I would’ve given up and let therapy be the way it was for me I would’ve not known what my actual problem was. It’s just hard cuz not one therapist can look me in my eye and tell me I can help you and know what to do to help you. The words they say is something like I know this is hard for you or I know right now your in pain but it will get better. Like fucking tell me wtf to do no nothing but waiting and not being sure of there own damn selves of what treatment is effective for me. I have to be the one that helps myself out the most. Sometimes they even do it in purpose to get me anxiety but it doesn’t it may get me sad for a bit but I get over it and go back to square one of where I started from when they tried to get me anxiety like I’m just some fucking pinball and it sucks. I’m just fucking tired of it. Like to be honest I don’t really know what I want for myself it’s fucking hard to know what I want for myself cuz I have thoughts that block me from my happiness and they don’t seem to think that it is and yet then why can’t I say I want to be this or that then? Like I really don’t know myself anymore. My identity has been lost for like almost 2 yrs now. My therapist truly believed I was something that I’m not and it’s basically confused the shit out of me to where it’s like was I former football player, did I ever have guy friends in the first place, did I ever play basketball with my friends before, like I know that’s what I did but it’s like my therapist wanted me to forget about all that stuff and not be me anymore. Like I would have to tell her that I’m not as soft as she thinks I am I mean sure at times but most of the time I am a jerk. I mean if my therapist would ask my brothers of how it was to grow up with me they’d say I was a ghetto ass cocky mother fucker who was selfish and talked a whole lot of shit and yet my therapist wanted me to forget about all that shit I mean yes now I’m older and a lot smarter then I was back growing up but it shouldn’t change my identity all because I wanted more out of life. It’s just really tough cuz my past therapist now since I might have a new one really made me believe I always had to prove that I wasn’t who she thought I was and now I’m confused and I get she wasn’t trying to do that but at the same time it’s like I felt she should’ve tried to dig deeper about what’s inside me. It’s just tough every day I have to prove I’m something that I’m not and it’s just tough. It’s hard to say I played football in the past it’s hard to say I used to have guy friends in the past even though I did. It’s as if my whole life was a lie and it’s tough. Like I just want a therapist to tell me I’m going to do everything I can to help you get better. That’s what I want. I mean if a therapist can’t do that for therapeutic reasons then it’s not going to work for me. Giving your best was what I was all about. Failure is only an option not the end result. Giving your best effort is what I was all about and it sucks that I can’t get a single therapist who thinks like me who wants to be the best at everything they do then I honestly can’t work with someone like that. I just don’t like people who go about the day not being there best and the only reason why I can’t be my best is because I have some stupid ass thoughts that prevent me from being my best every single day. That’s why I like working out cuz I can always give it my all and know I gave it my best. That’s literally the only thing in this world I can control is how hard I can workout. If my knee wasn’t hurt I’d slap on 275 on that squat rack and actually do the right reps and not that half ass bull shit you see people do like some dumbass. I really would like to get better and hopefully a therapist on here would see my post and stick their hand out and say I can help you. Let’s set up an appointment. Like I have an issue. How can someone who’s messed up in the head stick there hand out for help? It’s not actually possible. My mind is cancer and it’s disabled. My mind needs a fucking wheelchair. So why and how should I be the one sticking my hand out to get help? I know I’m ranting but I’m just annoyed of how therapy has been for me and I keep getting these suggestions and I’m like no motherfuckers it doesn’t help. So figure something else out that works cuz this shit ain’t fucking working.

@swolejaboy Have you tried a NOCD Therapist

@swolejaboy So... Let me see if I'm underatanding you right. You are looking for someone who understands you and is willing to stick it out to help you to feel better. Is that right? And it seems that you have a desire to have certainty about who you are, because you feel like how you remeber your past may not be right. Am I getting any of this right? Let me know if I understood.

@Daisy102 No. I just feel like therapy from therapist’s has been awful for me. They didn’t notice or care to notice that I had other thoughts that have made my life miserable. They weren’t noticing that these other thoughts was the reason for my depression. They didn’t care to notice that things in the past and that being my former self was depressing. They didn’t seem to care that doing anything new made me depressed. Like the only reason they even can see my anger is cause I do it in purpose so they can see what’s in my head when the thoughts pop up in my head of how angry it is for me otherwise I could keep calm if I wanted too but then the therapist’s would never know what’s wrong if I’m not actually showing them or telling them what pops up in my head. I just see it and hear it. I’m just tired of therapist’s just cuz why do I have to show some sort of anxiety for thoughts? I’ve dealt with pain for most of my life so how is me dealing with thoughts any different then how I deal with the pain in my body? It’s not any different for me. They just don’t seem to understand how to treat someone like me. I don’t care if I feel I’m special or different then anyone else until someone can say they resonate with me and they actually can then cool but no one has. I’ve literally without there help have been doing my own therapy and have seen my way help me better then what my therapist’s have had me do. The only reason why I rethink it is cause my last therapist wanted me to have anxiety and yeah I’d linger for it a little bit and get depressed after meeting my therapist but I get over it and continue doing what I know best about myself. I am completely aware of my surroundings and what is being done to me in purpose or not in purpose. I even already have begun to play dumb in a ERP way since I can feel the shit. So I’ve done my own ERP for 45 to 60 minutes when I know something is being done to me cuz unlike them fuckers I can last longer then they can and if I have to sit still or lay still till they’re done and until my mind just drift off and starts thinking on its own about whatever else is on my mind or focuses on what I’m seeing and not what’s being done to me then cool. I’m just bored cuz sports and working out is what I’ve done all my life with working out coming into my life when I was 14-15 yrs old. Everything else is boring for me. I’ve gotten suggestions to go for a walk but it’s actually really fucking boring I mean If I had a dog to walk my purpose would shift from me to my dog to make sure it got some exercise but I’m not like that. I need purpose in life without it I’m just lost.

@Daisy102 I can go longer if I have to for my therapy I just choose to do 45-60 minutes to start I have no issue going 2 hrs or more if need be.