Okay I’ve been pretty proud of myself for not seeking reassurance as much this week, but I’m really struggling rn. TMI warning.... I posted a while ago about the lump on my vulva and how it was getting smaller but now idk. It seems to have just went deeper under my skin and is a bit smaller than a dime. I can move it around, too, and it doesn’t hurt. The only way I know it’s there is because I purposely look for it. But anyways, what if it’s not getting better? What if i have cancer? I just a post about cancer on my Instagram and now I can’t stop thinking about it. I know people who have survived cancer— I mean my aunt had a huge tumor for years and is now fine— yet I think it’s an automatic death wish if there’s even a possibility I have it because I’m terrified of death. I don’t want to die. But I’m also too afraid to see a gyno. I’ve had a doctor look at me down there before (just my gp) and she made me feel stupid by telling me I should go to my mom next time I have questions... now I think my fears are invalid. I also am just nervous at getting looked at again in general since it’s extremely uncomfortable for me and I get very embarrassed. So it’s either I give into my social anxiety, or I give into my cancer obsessions. My therapist even told me that going to the doctor might not give me a straight answer and I agree, but I feel the urge to go SO bad and I’m so l fucking conflicted at this point. Some people say to go asap and some say to wait but AHHHH ITS SO CONFUSING.

Well I’m not sexually active so I feel like if I go it’ll just be embarrassing because it seems like I have nothing to worry about and I’m afraid they’ll think I’m stupid for going at all. Everything about it just scares me— especially since I have to go by myself. I’ve never done that before. I think I’ll schedule an appointment today, but I don’t know if I can actually bring myself to go :(

@worryqueen If they are good doctors, they will not think you are stupid or silly for going or think that about any questions you have. I won’t lie, it can be a bit scary or at least uncomfortable to go. I finally have my yearly coming up after being postponed because of Covid closures. It’s not going to be the highlight of my day, but it’ll be ok. My docs wanted me to go years before I was sexually active, and I remember how much scarier it was in the beginning. In these cases, especially when you’re younger and not yet sexually active, a specialist is so much better than a GP. (I won’t get into why unless you really want to know.). And, after all that, I don’t want you to think I’m saying you really HAVE to go. If you’re not sexually active yet and you’re still young enough that your docs haven’t suggested it, then you can still wait and see, especially if you’ve been healing on your own. I know how scared you are, and I just want to send you support and comfort.

@ARTnotOCD If you don’t mine me asking, what’s it like? Like what kind of questions do they ask and do they cover your lower half while they have a look? Cause they did that at my gp and it made me more comfortable. I’m also interested in why a specialist is better in these cases. The last time I got checked out was about a year/two years ago so idk if I NEED to go, but my lump is freaking me out. I don’t know what to do. What if it’s completely normal and I’m freaking out for nothing? How did you push yourself to go because at this point I just want to get it over with.

@worryqueen Also, one other thing: I’m also worried cause I haven’t had my period since July and idk if that’s normal at my age (18)

@worryqueen If you’re 18 and not yet having sex, then either yearly or every other year check ups do make sense. If anything it helps establish a baseline of health for when you do become active and when you are old enough to need them yearly. Bring all those questions with you, and if/when you make the appointment, let them know you’re going to have some questions you want to discuss. (I had one doc who was not the coolest about discussion questions, and eventually I switched to someone more open. The first doc would totally still answer them all and didn’t make the questions seem stupid, he just wanted to know ahead of time if I had a lot of them, hence my suggestion to just let them know while making an appointment.) I’ve always been given a paper sheet to cover myself. Honestly, the more relaxed a patient is, the better it is for the exam, so they all really want to show you respect and help you relax as much as possible. Questions will range. They’ll definitely ask about sexual activity. They’ll ask about your menstrual cycle. (If you keep a record that tracks that, it’s good to bring it.). And they’ll ask questions about your general health. Since you have a specific issues you want to discuss/examine, they’ll ask about that and likely how you’ve noticed it changing over time. Ok, this part may sound graphic, but it’s the serious reason as to why a specialist is more comfortable in these situations. Specialists do these examinations all day. They are better practiced at being gentle and have probably learned more tricks about how to help patients relax in these specific situations. And I’ll be very blunt: they have a better range of tools. There are different sizes of speculums, which are used to help open up the vagina. GP’s don’t always have all the sizes, because they don’t give cervical exams as much as OB/GYNs. Especially as a younger woman who isn’t having sex, the smaller speculum is much more comfortable. Also, they will likely do a breast exam and may also talk with you about doing self checks. It’s a good habit to get into early, because it gets you familiar with your body while it’s young and healthy so you can notice any changes that you need to share with them. I guess I push myself to go, and also did so when I was younger, because I knew it was a part of good health practices. Now I’m at an age where I’m considering if I’ll have children (actually, if I’ll have them before I’m too old.). If I do want children, it will mean more trips to the OB/GYN, and my yearly visits will help me feel more comfortable about that. Even if I don’t choose to become a mom, having a report with my doctor helped when a birth control I was on to help with my hormones as much as to prevent unplanned pregnancies started giving me terrible side effects. It turned out there had been a mix up, and because I have other hormone issues from autoimmune disease, that particular pill was just not right for me. But because I already felt more comfortable with my doc, even when I was very uncomfortable from the wrong meds, I was able to get through it, and she was so kind in advice and help to feel better as I switched to the right meds. I hope that wasn’t too personal for you. I believe it’s best for women to help calm each other and still be honest about what to expect with issues of women’s health, but I also hope I didn’t cross any lines because it is such a personal subject matter. If you do go, maybe plan to get an ice cream or a milkshake or some special comforting treat afterwards. That’s also what I do for my hardest doctor visits, and it totally helps.

@ARTnotOCD Also, even the doctor I didn’t like as much and eventually transferred from saw me through some women’s health issues. (I had an ovarian cyst burst, and later had a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.). As much as he wasn’t the right doctor for me, when I was scared or in discomfort from those or milder issues, he was also very kind, calm, and gentle. They know it’s not gonna be their patients’ favorite part of the day. Part of their job is to try to make it easier on us, because that’s healthier too. 💜

@ARTnotOCD Thank you for being so honest about everything— it’s helped a ton! I’m also just afraid that since I’m a lesbian a female doctor might find it weird or uncomfortable if I’m getting an exam and I don’t want them to think of me as a pervert. I guess there’s nothing I can do to prevent that, though. I just really wish I could push myself to make that phone call because I’m soooo terrified of going. I like the idea of rewarding myself afterwards, though! And you’re right, it’s best to get in the habit of going for future needed visits, so I’ll keep that in mind. I guess when it comes down to it, I’m just afraid of being judged. I’ll try to conquer these fears, though, as best as I can. Guess since I’m an adult now I have to get used to making these decisions! Thanks again, it means a lot!!!

@worryqueen Also, I didn’t mean to be exclusive when I suggested women should help each other rather than scare each other about women’s health issues. If a trans man or bi-gender person needs encouragement before getting his/her/their cervical exam, I’m all for helping if I can. Even though I think I am tolerant and open to others’ gender issues, I do sometimes need to check my language. Likewise, your sexual orientation should not be a point of judgment by your doctor. Sadly, sometimes in health care, it still is, despite it seeming to be more and more understood, at least in my various circles. Feel free to reach out if you do feel at all judged. I really hope you won’t be, nor do I expect you will be, but none of us know the future, hence needing to sit with uncertainty and fight the OCD. 💜💪🏼

@ARTnotOCD Thank you so much for your support! ❤️I’m going to call and schedule an appointment tomorrow! I’m bringing a friend with me, too, so I’m more comfy. You’re one of the reasons I have the courage to finally do so!!! Hoping I don’t get any bad diagnosis, though! Reallyyyy nervous 😬

@worryqueen Sending you healthy vibes and calming wishes! 💜

@ARTnotOCD Thank you ❤️

What if they judge me though or act like my gp did?