so i’ve been dealing with this theme of being scared of not seeing my boyfriend for him. the constant intrusive thoughts of “what if you’re transphobic” “what if you’re bigoted” “you don’t see him for him” and all this terrible stuff. so as an exposure i’ve been watching trans tiktoks and videos about being transgender and learning how to be a better ally and i’ve been doing this for the last three days and i don’t know if it’s the healthiest thing tbh cause yesterday i looked in the mirror and all of a sudden i looked at my chest and my head goes “what if you’re trans” and i really hope this doesn’t get out of hand as well it’s so hard. my head is so jumbled up right now

idk how to explain this but i’ll try the best i can lol: ok so one night i was in bed and scrolling through this app and focusing on not doing compulsions for my HOCD (hearing other ppls stories can trigger me sometimes so i use them as exposures). anyway i read a post about someone who had HOCD & TransOCD. i thought “poor guy, that must be really hard”. then of course i thought “am i trans?” but i didn’t even worry about it because it’s one of those things that just isn’t something i need to worry about you know? it almost seems silly to worry about haha. anyway, the thought didn’t give me anxiety—almost at all (because for me it’s just a no brainer). then i started to get all worried about getting TransOCD, even if i really wasn’t fearful about becoming trans. so basically, i know i’m not trans, i’m not questioning who i am, and the thought of being trans doesn’t really make me nervous or afraid (because i just know it’s not true)—i’m just worried that this will turn into another OCD type...and THAT is what i’m obsessing on. how do i help that???

i just did about 40mins of erp scrolling through tiktok watching bisexual videos and boy am i triggered. i noticed myself doing sneaky compulsions tho. for example: the tiktok was like “if you liked these characters when you were young then you’re definitely bisexual” and they’d show the characters for example prince eric and ariel and i remember when i was young how obsessed i was with prince eric like i wanted to full blown marry him and i’d always pretend i was ariel. so then my sneaky compulsion was “you see you’re straight you only liked eric” but this one tiktok almost made me cry and i freaked out because i was overthinking why i almost cried: it was this guy talking about how he was straight his whole life until 2016 where he wasn’t sure and now he’s bi and when i tell you my heart fell to my stomach i wanted to cry but i didn’t i just say with the anxiety the thing is i know you’re not suppose to stop until the anxiety goes down but my anxiety didn’t go down at all it’s rose a lot. like every tiktok i saw it just got higher and higher. am i doing something wrong?

TW: GENDER OCD Okay, I posted a lil while ago about SO-OCD, but I have recently been suffering Gender OCD too. And unlike SO-OCD, this one is blowing a hole through my heart. I have never once questioned my gender. I’ve helped my trans and NB friends come out, and never once thought about my gender. But ever since my SO-OCD started and then died down, the thoughts about my gender cropped up. They range from two thoughts: I’m nonbinary, or I’m a gay trans dude in denial. And the latter one freaks me out so much, because I love reading queer media (I’m bi, and so many of my fave book series focus on gay couples), and my brain uses that as an excuse that I like it because I actually AM a gay guy. The thought is paralyzingly, and I can’t even begin to think of a way to overcome it like SO-OCD because the thought of me ‘accepting’ it as true scares the hell out of me. I can’t enjoy my favourite books anymore, or my favourite TV shows/movies. Anything with a gay couple makes my brain think I want to literally be one of them, when before I could just enjoy it for what it was, a story with queer characters. My connection to my gender is something I’ve always held dear to me, and the thought of being pulled from it is heartbreaking, and also makes me feel extremely guilty because I support trans rights so much, so why am I so scared of being trans/NB? How do I even begin to get over this when the idea of accepting the thought terrifies me? How do I begin to convince the anxiety that just because I enjoyed reading/watching something doesn’t mean I actually want it to happen in real life?