- Username
- a01
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Well in my childhood/teenage years I was a big tomboy and I guess I always wanted to be a guy just because they seemed to have better/easier lives. I also would take on male roles during imaginary play, I dressed boyish, I hated when I got my period I was embarrassed by it l, didn't want to wear a bra because it was uncomfortable, I hated wearing girly clothes or wearing my hair down, I was even bullied in school and some people called me a "dyke" or a man and that really upset me. However now, I enjoy being a female, I am a lot more girly by choice because it's comfortable, and looking back, I HATED who I was and the way I looked/dressed it makes me feel embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I would never get surgery or take hormones, I enjoy hetero relationships with men, i like dressing up now, it's like I'm a different person. But sometimes looking back, I freak myself out thinking what if it wasn't a phase and I'm just suppressing my "true self". Sometimes I also just feel "manly" in my mind the way I think or respond or act to things, and sometimes I feel like I have to try to be more feminine. I really don't see myself being a transgender or gender fluid person but because I have this "evidence" it freaks me out. And sometimes when I look at myself I wish I was prettier or had more feminine features like nicer sounding voice, mannerisms, etc. I just want this feeling to go away because it's causing me so much anxiety and depression
You literally just described my exact situation. I've always liked being more masculine as a kid, but just recently I've learned I actually love being a girl. I've been wanting to dress girly now, and it genuinely brings me so much happiness. I wish I were more feminine too, like I wish my voice were higher, my hair was longer, etc. I'm straight, so when I think of being with a guy it makes me happy, but then my ocd gives me two stress pathways: either if I'm not straight, or if I only like them because I wanna be a man too. Both give me so much anxiety, then my ocd tells me I'm in denial, so I just kinda sit there, burnt out after having all of these unwanted thoughts. I just remind myself that it's my ocd, I would never try to stress myself out like that, or try to take myself from being someone I love.
That's how I feel, and I recently went through a tough break up with a guy I was in love with so I'm sure that's not helping. Also if you don't mind me asking, you said in your previous comment that you don't know if you wanna be a girl anymore..so I'm a little confused. Are you a girl who's just more tomboyish/masculine or are you a girl that wants to be a guy? Do you think what I've described is ocd or actual transgender/gender identity issue? Sorry if that's reassurance seeking I just can't find many people who have experienced this so I'm trying to relate and get some clarity
I'm sorry for the confusion! I'm just more of a tomboy girl, who is slowly becoming more girly. Personally I believe its ocd, whatever you want most is who you are☺ you said that you dont exactly like the idea of being trans or gender fluid, so I think its ocd. You arent seeking for reassurance! You just wanna know who you are and that perfectly okay. Regardless, I'm so sorry about your breakup. You're strong, and I'm always here to talk!
I feel the exact same, it's so stressful. Just know that if it gives you a weird/bad feeling then it's just your OCD, and whatever you feel happiest as is who you are☺hope this helps❤
It makes me feel very anxious and depressed but then my mind tells me it's because I'm in denial and haven't accepted it. Also, there's things in my past childhood and teenage years that would indicate "gender dysphoria" so that's makes me feel even worse. Is that something you can relate to?
@a01 yeah, I've always loved dressing more masculine, and this is a big trigger for my OCD, idk if I wanna be a girl anymore but the thought of being a boy makes me so anxious so I try to ignore it. I'm trying to combat it by continuing to dress more masculine, because I know who I am and I'm tired of my OCD getting in the way of everything I know about myself. Why does ocd have to determine who we are ya kno? It's so exhausting. If you're comfortable can you explain the gender dysmorphia you've experienced? I'd love to talk about it (:
@Jo *dysphoria
With all of the things I've told you about my past would you say that's gender dysphoria or a phase? Because I just don't know and it's driving me crazy. And thank, I literally have no one to talk to because none of my family or friends can relate or understand and I feel like I'm being so annoying every time I try talking about it..and the one person I want most left me so I'm really struggling.
Me too, my sister gets annoyed by me talking about it. What do you feel now? Do you like being a girl?
@Jo Yes I want to be a girl, I want to marry a man and have kids and live life as a woman. But I keep reading about late onset gender dysphoria and how people didn't realize they were Trans until their 30s, 40s and later and that's freaking me out. I am 27 years old and although I have a past of not being very girly I never felt like omg i need to get out of this body and into a male body..if that makes sense
@a01 SAMEMEE I WORRY ABOUT THE SAME THING WHAT. I think since you're planning your future, and you like being a girl, it's just your OCD tricking you ((:
i’m struggling with tocd too! mine kind doesn’t just focus on transgender it also focuses on non binary. I used to tell myself that i had to love everything masculine, because if i leaned in to the feminine side it’d make me a gay. Of course, it was the internalized homophobia in me because plot twist! i’m gay😌. When my ocd episodes happened I couldn’t even recognize any part of myself. One time, I had a thought that said “This body wasn’t meant to be for a woman.” and my limbs felt dead, they felt like they weren’t mine and i was just a host of my body. But there’re days where I felt clearer and understand my issue is feeling not feminine enough and i so badly want to feel feminine, i always have. I’m not brave enough to do erp yet but meditation really helps.
I had internalized misogyny, where I'd obsess over being "not like other girls" so that boys would be attracted to me, hey and plot twist, I'm actually really girly now lmao😚 do you like the idea of being a girl? Do you still feel like you're just a host of a body?
Reading your comment triggered me lol because I also have been struggling with hocd and honestly I am very afraid that one day I'm going to realize I'm gay or transgender and I have absolutely nothing wrong with people who are but for myself I don't want that. It's extremely mentally and emotionally draining a lot of the time because it's like I don't know who I am anymore the most basic things and when I read about people who finally realized after years of questioning or anxiety or signs that they brushed off, that they really are gay or trans really gives me a lot of anxiety. And then my mind tells me that I'm just internalizing everything and just afraid of being rejected by my family and society. Ugh I can't take this
@a01 I'm so sorry I triggered you! I didnt mean to! I think like this a lot too, but those people know who they are, and they know they are in denial, you on the other hand my friend have OCD, and you have thoughts that give you anxiety while the ones in denial enjoy those thoughts. I have so much anxiety about my sexuality, so I know I'm not in denial. But when I was dealing with internalized misogyny, deep down I wanted to wear big poofy pink dresses and I wanted to wear makeup and all that jazz, and I enjoyed dressing up when no one was around. Having ocd is so much more different than being in denial ❤
@Jo I like the idea of being a young female? If that makes sense? I always think of the word “girl” as someone who’s a girly girl, to the point where I would feel weird calling a tomboy female a girl? I know that’s absolutely ridiculous but this theme of ocd is distorting my perception of gender. Ive always felt like I was somewhere in the middle of a girly girl and a tomboy, never at either ends of that scale. But yeah i’m doing better and I feel like myself in my body, even though idk what that means. Im just recognizing my thought process and anxiety and just letting it pass without engaging it, doesn’t always work but i’m trying.
@north__ Hey, and you're doing good! It's the only way you can improve on your OCD! I know what you mean with the girl thing, I think that's just how society has rubbed off on us. I just remember that whatever brings me happiness or comfort is what I want, and whatever makes me feel weird or gives me anxiety is not ((:
@Jo Sorry your post didn't trigger me the other one did lol but I guess you're right. I guess I also think that my anxiety could be caused by me being in denial (I hate my brain) lol because I have proof and evidence of things in my life that would show that I am/could be trans, bi, etc. And maybe my anxiety is caused by guilt or shame...which I really pray that's not the case and I am just a straight non trans girl!
@a01 That's exactly what I pray for, I know what you mean by having 'evidence.' It feels like my own brain is working against me, I'm so happy with my gender and sexuality but my ocd always questions and challenges that :/
@Jo Yeah for sure..my mind is always playing that what if game or but...xyz it's so so exhausting I just want to be normal. I'm pretty sure it's my anxiety and ocd that pushed my bf to leave me i hate myself
@a01 i have “evidence” too, and it’s almost convincing. It fueled my ocd in ways that almost made me lose my life. But eventually this dread and anxiety will pass, i hope you do better:)
@Jo the last thing is so true! that’s my mentality to deal with this for now, baby steps
@a01 Hey, if he couldn't handle the fact that you have ocd, then you deserve better. Please dont dislike yourself, from talking to you in this thread you seem like wonderful person. I wish I could be normal too, it feels so repetitive and its exhausting. Everything happens for a reason, and we'll get through this🤗
@north__ I'm so glad you're here today! Thank you for hanging on, we love you so much and you mean so so much to us (: it will pass, you will make it out of this a stronger and happier person. Itll be so worth it in the end! We're here for you just hang in there❤
@north__ Yep, ugh it gets so overwhelming. Good luck with those steps😚
@Jo the same goes to you, we’ll get through this!
Someone please help me . I’m so tired of this gender identity thing . I did a compulsion and googled gender dysphoria symptoms and I had a panic attack . One of the articles said that sometimes children with gender dysphoria say that they are bi to suppress that they are trans and I remember when I was little I did think that I liked girls once but then I got older and realized I don’t but now I just don’t know . I took a self assessment test to see if I have gender dysphoria and it says that I don’t but then idk if I was lying or not and when I see articles on symptoms of people with trans ocd I know it sound just like me and that being a man dosnt align with who I am but then I feel like I’m lying about that too . Then it’s what if I’m non bianary ? What if I get used to the thoughts and I start to actually be comfortable as a boy ? I feel like I can’t do anything , I can’t be a mom , I can’t be a gf , I can’t be a friend a daughter and can’t do anything . I feel defeated and sad . I don’t want to be trans but it feels like I have no choice and I can’t take that I will never know if this is ocd or who I really am and it’s starting to feel like this is who I am and it makes me sad . No one around me understands and I feel like I’m putting to much on my friends and family with all of this. I just want it to stop
TW*** Im at a loss of words now, i think I just realized Im transgender last night and had a massive panic attack. I googled tocd when i already had a feeling that its not tocd and ended up reading someones post who transitioned from a boy to a girl and many other comments about how they were in denial and I was able to relate to quite many things there, it sent me into an attack, ive literally never felt something like that before, my whole body shook, knees felt weak and couldnt focus, went to sleep and had dreams, everything in the dream was relating to transgender and woke up with anxiety and feel completely broken down and hollow inside, I can barely talk, my face looks like an empty void and droopy. I dont know what to do, I feel extreme shame and embarassment, my whole life flashed before me and how this would affect my family and my life. It really feels like this is the real me, and now I feel like Ive never actually felt like a proper man because I didnt know what It felt like and I was just acting to be a man and theres alot of proof that came with with it. I dont know what im going to do guys, this really cant be happening man. Someone help please please
i keep thinking that I’m using tocd as an excuse to avoid the truth that I might be a boy. I never thought that I felt this way at least not when I was younger and I thought I was normal and like any other girl. But now I keep remembering so much stuff from my childhood and it feels true and it was just something I didn’t know about until I guess I’ve gained the knowledge to understand how I felt? I’m not really sure I’m always confused and I feel like my head is going to explode, but I don’t feel like a girl anymore and I don’t feel connected to my body in the way I once was. Everything that I held as a value seems to be turning into something so morally against my character or something. I used to constantly feel like though that I was still finding myself or something as in like what I wanted to do career wise and how I wanted to dress like my aesthetic but I never felt like I was in the wrong body or that I wanted to be a boy. I of course had moments where the typical girl thing would be that boys lives are so much easier but I never wanted to be a boy or was envious of their gender. I love or I guess loved being a girl and didn’t want to change that. I’m not sexually attracted to women I really don’t want to be with a woman and I don’t want to be that masculine figure in a relationship or in any other area and life but I can’t help but think that this is my true self but I just don’t want to be a boy I loved being a girl and wearing makeup and dressing up and doing girl things but now all of a sudden it’s like I want to do every manly thing in existence idk but I know those things I don’t enjoy. I don’t know I’m so confused and can’t help but feel like I’m using ocd as an excuse and lying to myself and then when I remind myself it is ocd it just feels wrong idk maybe this is who I am and to be honest I just want to cry but even then I can’t tell if that’s real or not and that I’m crying because I still want to be a girl or just crying to cry idk
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