I'm really really scared that I might be transgender I don't know if it's ocd or denial can anyone please help

You literally just described my exact situation. I've always liked being more masculine as a kid, but just recently I've learned I actually love being a girl. I've been wanting to dress girly now, and it genuinely brings me so much happiness. I wish I were more feminine too, like I wish my voice were higher, my hair was longer, etc. I'm straight, so when I think of being with a guy it makes me happy, but then my ocd gives me two stress pathways: either if I'm not straight, or if I only like them because I wanna be a man too. Both give me so much anxiety, then my ocd tells me I'm in denial, so I just kinda sit there, burnt out after having all of these unwanted thoughts. I just remind myself that it's my ocd, I would never try to stress myself out like that, or try to take myself from being someone I love.

I'm sorry for the confusion! I'm just more of a tomboy girl, who is slowly becoming more girly. Personally I believe its ocd, whatever you want most is who you are☺ you said that you dont exactly like the idea of being trans or gender fluid, so I think its ocd. You arent seeking for reassurance! You just wanna know who you are and that perfectly okay. Regardless, I'm so sorry about your breakup. You're strong, and I'm always here to talk!

It makes me feel very anxious and depressed but then my mind tells me it's because I'm in denial and haven't accepted it. Also, there's things in my past childhood and teenage years that would indicate "gender dysphoria" so that's makes me feel even worse. Is that something you can relate to?

@a01 yeah, I've always loved dressing more masculine, and this is a big trigger for my OCD, idk if I wanna be a girl anymore but the thought of being a boy makes me so anxious so I try to ignore it. I'm trying to combat it by continuing to dress more masculine, because I know who I am and I'm tired of my OCD getting in the way of everything I know about myself. Why does ocd have to determine who we are ya kno? It's so exhausting. If you're comfortable can you explain the gender dysmorphia you've experienced? I'd love to talk about it (:

@Jo *dysphoria

Me too, my sister gets annoyed by me talking about it. What do you feel now? Do you like being a girl?

@Jo Yes I want to be a girl, I want to marry a man and have kids and live life as a woman. But I keep reading about late onset gender dysphoria and how people didn't realize they were Trans until their 30s, 40s and later and that's freaking me out. I am 27 years old and although I have a past of not being very girly I never felt like omg i need to get out of this body and into a male body..if that makes sense

@a01 SAMEMEE I WORRY ABOUT THE SAME THING WHAT. I think since you're planning your future, and you like being a girl, it's just your OCD tricking you ((:

I had internalized misogyny, where I'd obsess over being "not like other girls" so that boys would be attracted to me, hey and plot twist, I'm actually really girly now lmao😚 do you like the idea of being a girl? Do you still feel like you're just a host of a body?

Reading your comment triggered me lol because I also have been struggling with hocd and honestly I am very afraid that one day I'm going to realize I'm gay or transgender and I have absolutely nothing wrong with people who are but for myself I don't want that. It's extremely mentally and emotionally draining a lot of the time because it's like I don't know who I am anymore the most basic things and when I read about people who finally realized after years of questioning or anxiety or signs that they brushed off, that they really are gay or trans really gives me a lot of anxiety. And then my mind tells me that I'm just internalizing everything and just afraid of being rejected by my family and society. Ugh I can't take this

@a01 I'm so sorry I triggered you! I didnt mean to! I think like this a lot too, but those people know who they are, and they know they are in denial, you on the other hand my friend have OCD, and you have thoughts that give you anxiety while the ones in denial enjoy those thoughts. I have so much anxiety about my sexuality, so I know I'm not in denial. But when I was dealing with internalized misogyny, deep down I wanted to wear big poofy pink dresses and I wanted to wear makeup and all that jazz, and I enjoyed dressing up when no one was around. Having ocd is so much more different than being in denial ❤

@Jo I like the idea of being a young female? If that makes sense? I always think of the word “girl” as someone who’s a girly girl, to the point where I would feel weird calling a tomboy female a girl? I know that’s absolutely ridiculous but this theme of ocd is distorting my perception of gender. Ive always felt like I was somewhere in the middle of a girly girl and a tomboy, never at either ends of that scale. But yeah i’m doing better and I feel like myself in my body, even though idk what that means. Im just recognizing my thought process and anxiety and just letting it pass without engaging it, doesn’t always work but i’m trying.

@north__ Hey, and you're doing good! It's the only way you can improve on your OCD! I know what you mean with the girl thing, I think that's just how society has rubbed off on us. I just remember that whatever brings me happiness or comfort is what I want, and whatever makes me feel weird or gives me anxiety is not ((:

@Jo Sorry your post didn't trigger me the other one did lol but I guess you're right. I guess I also think that my anxiety could be caused by me being in denial (I hate my brain) lol because I have proof and evidence of things in my life that would show that I am/could be trans, bi, etc. And maybe my anxiety is caused by guilt or shame...which I really pray that's not the case and I am just a straight non trans girl!

@a01 That's exactly what I pray for, I know what you mean by having 'evidence.' It feels like my own brain is working against me, I'm so happy with my gender and sexuality but my ocd always questions and challenges that :/

@Jo Yeah for sure..my mind is always playing that what if game or but...xyz it's so so exhausting I just want to be normal. I'm pretty sure it's my anxiety and ocd that pushed my bf to leave me i hate myself

@a01 i have “evidence” too, and it’s almost convincing. It fueled my ocd in ways that almost made me lose my life. But eventually this dread and anxiety will pass, i hope you do better:)

@Jo the last thing is so true! that’s my mentality to deal with this for now, baby steps

@a01 Hey, if he couldn't handle the fact that you have ocd, then you deserve better. Please dont dislike yourself, from talking to you in this thread you seem like wonderful person. I wish I could be normal too, it feels so repetitive and its exhausting. Everything happens for a reason, and we'll get through this🤗

@north__ I'm so glad you're here today! Thank you for hanging on, we love you so much and you mean so so much to us (: it will pass, you will make it out of this a stronger and happier person. Itll be so worth it in the end! We're here for you just hang in there❤

@north__ Yep, ugh it gets so overwhelming. Good luck with those steps😚

@Jo the same goes to you, we’ll get through this!