a01
- Date posted
- 4y
a01a01
- Date posted
- 4y
Well in my childhood/teenage years I was a big tomboy and I guess I always wanted to be a guy just because they seemed to have better/easier lives. I also would take on male roles during imaginary play, I dressed boyish, I hated when I got my period I was embarrassed by it l, didn't want to wear a bra because it was uncomfortable, I hated wearing girly clothes or wearing my hair down, I was even bullied in school and some people called me a "dyke" or a man and that really upset me. However now, I enjoy being a female, I am a lot more girly by choice because it's comfortable, and looking back, I HATED who I was and the way I looked/dressed it makes me feel embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I would never get surgery or take hormones, I enjoy hetero relationships with men, i like dressing up now, it's like I'm a different person. But sometimes looking back, I freak myself out thinking what if it wasn't a phase and I'm just suppressing my "true self". Sometimes I also just feel "manly" in my mind the way I think or respond or act to things, and sometimes I feel like I have to try to be more feminine. I really don't see myself being a transgender or gender fluid person but because I have this "evidence" it freaks me out. And sometimes when I look at myself I wish I was prettier or had more feminine features like nicer sounding voice, mannerisms, etc. I just want this feeling to go away because it's causing me so much anxiety and depression
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
You literally just described my exact situation. I've always liked being more masculine as a kid, but just recently I've learned I actually love being a girl. I've been wanting to dress girly now, and it genuinely brings me so much happiness. I wish I were more feminine too, like I wish my voice were higher, my hair was longer, etc. I'm straight, so when I think of being with a guy it makes me happy, but then my ocd gives me two stress pathways: either if I'm not straight, or if I only like them because I wanna be a man too. Both give me so much anxiety, then my ocd tells me I'm in denial, so I just kinda sit there, burnt out after having all of these unwanted thoughts. I just remind myself that it's my ocd, I would never try to stress myself out like that, or try to take myself from being someone I love.
a01a01
- Date posted
- 4y
That's how I feel, and I recently went through a tough break up with a guy I was in love with so I'm sure that's not helping. Also if you don't mind me asking, you said in your previous comment that you don't know if you wanna be a girl anymore..so I'm a little confused. Are you a girl who's just more tomboyish/masculine or are you a girl that wants to be a guy? Do you think what I've described is ocd or actual transgender/gender identity issue? Sorry if that's reassurance seeking I just can't find many people who have experienced this so I'm trying to relate and get some clarity
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
I'm sorry for the confusion! I'm just more of a tomboy girl, who is slowly becoming more girly. Personally I believe its ocd, whatever you want most is who you are☺ you said that you dont exactly like the idea of being trans or gender fluid, so I think its ocd. You arent seeking for reassurance! You just wanna know who you are and that perfectly okay. Regardless, I'm so sorry about your breakup. You're strong, and I'm always here to talk!
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
I feel the exact same, it's so stressful. Just know that if it gives you a weird/bad feeling then it's just your OCD, and whatever you feel happiest as is who you are☺hope this helps❤
a01a01
- Date posted
- 4y
It makes me feel very anxious and depressed but then my mind tells me it's because I'm in denial and haven't accepted it. Also, there's things in my past childhood and teenage years that would indicate "gender dysphoria" so that's makes me feel even worse. Is that something you can relate to?
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 yeah, I've always loved dressing more masculine, and this is a big trigger for my OCD, idk if I wanna be a girl anymore but the thought of being a boy makes me so anxious so I try to ignore it. I'm trying to combat it by continuing to dress more masculine, because I know who I am and I'm tired of my OCD getting in the way of everything I know about myself. Why does ocd have to determine who we are ya kno? It's so exhausting. If you're comfortable can you explain the gender dysmorphia you've experienced? I'd love to talk about it (:
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo *dysphoria
a01a01
- Date posted
- 4y
With all of the things I've told you about my past would you say that's gender dysphoria or a phase? Because I just don't know and it's driving me crazy. And thank, I literally have no one to talk to because none of my family or friends can relate or understand and I feel like I'm being so annoying every time I try talking about it..and the one person I want most left me so I'm really struggling.
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
Me too, my sister gets annoyed by me talking about it. What do you feel now? Do you like being a girl?
a01a01
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo Yes I want to be a girl, I want to marry a man and have kids and live life as a woman. But I keep reading about late onset gender dysphoria and how people didn't realize they were Trans until their 30s, 40s and later and that's freaking me out. I am 27 years old and although I have a past of not being very girly I never felt like omg i need to get out of this body and into a male body..if that makes sense
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 SAMEMEE I WORRY ABOUT THE SAME THING WHAT. I think since you're planning your future, and you like being a girl, it's just your OCD tricking you ((:
north__north__
- Date posted
- 4y
i’m struggling with tocd too! mine kind doesn’t just focus on transgender it also focuses on non binary. I used to tell myself that i had to love everything masculine, because if i leaned in to the feminine side it’d make me a gay. Of course, it was the internalized homophobia in me because plot twist! i’m gay😌. When my ocd episodes happened I couldn’t even recognize any part of myself. One time, I had a thought that said “This body wasn’t meant to be for a woman.” and my limbs felt dead, they felt like they weren’t mine and i was just a host of my body. But there’re days where I felt clearer and understand my issue is feeling not feminine enough and i so badly want to feel feminine, i always have. I’m not brave enough to do erp yet but meditation really helps.
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
I had internalized misogyny, where I'd obsess over being "not like other girls" so that boys would be attracted to me, hey and plot twist, I'm actually really girly now lmao😚 do you like the idea of being a girl? Do you still feel like you're just a host of a body?
a01a01
- Date posted
- 4y
Reading your comment triggered me lol because I also have been struggling with hocd and honestly I am very afraid that one day I'm going to realize I'm gay or transgender and I have absolutely nothing wrong with people who are but for myself I don't want that. It's extremely mentally and emotionally draining a lot of the time because it's like I don't know who I am anymore the most basic things and when I read about people who finally realized after years of questioning or anxiety or signs that they brushed off, that they really are gay or trans really gives me a lot of anxiety. And then my mind tells me that I'm just internalizing everything and just afraid of being rejected by my family and society. Ugh I can't take this
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 I'm so sorry I triggered you! I didnt mean to! I think like this a lot too, but those people know who they are, and they know they are in denial, you on the other hand my friend have OCD, and you have thoughts that give you anxiety while the ones in denial enjoy those thoughts. I have so much anxiety about my sexuality, so I know I'm not in denial. But when I was dealing with internalized misogyny, deep down I wanted to wear big poofy pink dresses and I wanted to wear makeup and all that jazz, and I enjoyed dressing up when no one was around. Having ocd is so much more different than being in denial ❤
north__north__
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo I like the idea of being a young female? If that makes sense? I always think of the word “girl” as someone who’s a girly girl, to the point where I would feel weird calling a tomboy female a girl? I know that’s absolutely ridiculous but this theme of ocd is distorting my perception of gender. Ive always felt like I was somewhere in the middle of a girly girl and a tomboy, never at either ends of that scale. But yeah i’m doing better and I feel like myself in my body, even though idk what that means. Im just recognizing my thought process and anxiety and just letting it pass without engaging it, doesn’t always work but i’m trying.
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
@north__ Hey, and you're doing good! It's the only way you can improve on your OCD! I know what you mean with the girl thing, I think that's just how society has rubbed off on us. I just remember that whatever brings me happiness or comfort is what I want, and whatever makes me feel weird or gives me anxiety is not ((:
a01a01
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo Sorry your post didn't trigger me the other one did lol but I guess you're right. I guess I also think that my anxiety could be caused by me being in denial (I hate my brain) lol because I have proof and evidence of things in my life that would show that I am/could be trans, bi, etc. And maybe my anxiety is caused by guilt or shame...which I really pray that's not the case and I am just a straight non trans girl!
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 That's exactly what I pray for, I know what you mean by having 'evidence.' It feels like my own brain is working against me, I'm so happy with my gender and sexuality but my ocd always questions and challenges that :/
a01a01
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo Yeah for sure..my mind is always playing that what if game or but...xyz it's so so exhausting I just want to be normal. I'm pretty sure it's my anxiety and ocd that pushed my bf to leave me i hate myself
north__north__
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 i have “evidence” too, and it’s almost convincing. It fueled my ocd in ways that almost made me lose my life. But eventually this dread and anxiety will pass, i hope you do better:)
north__north__
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo the last thing is so true! that’s my mentality to deal with this for now, baby steps
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 Hey, if he couldn't handle the fact that you have ocd, then you deserve better. Please dont dislike yourself, from talking to you in this thread you seem like wonderful person. I wish I could be normal too, it feels so repetitive and its exhausting. Everything happens for a reason, and we'll get through this🤗
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
@north__ I'm so glad you're here today! Thank you for hanging on, we love you so much and you mean so so much to us (: it will pass, you will make it out of this a stronger and happier person. Itll be so worth it in the end! We're here for you just hang in there❤
JoJo
- Date posted
- 4y
@north__ Yep, ugh it gets so overwhelming. Good luck with those steps😚
north__north__
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo the same goes to you, we’ll get through this!
Related posts
aubreyvm
- Date posted
- 21w
TOCD
This is so extremely difficult, i’ve never experienced having thoughts of being a different gender. i’ve always been comfortable being a girl. i’ve always been a girly girl. this all started a couple months ago and it’s increasingly getting worse. i’ve had times where i didn’t like my body but i always thought i could just go to the gym and fix it, never did i think i wanted to be a man. ever since these thoughts started i hate looking at myself in the mirror, i hate looking at my body, i’m aware of my breasts all day everyday, i can’t look at pictures/ videos of myself. from the moment i wake up to the second i go to sleep i have these thoughts. i’m in a panic EVERYDAY. i don’t want to be trans but my thoughts are convincing me i do. i’ve never bat an eye when someone calls me a girl but now it’s like i’m aware of it which i hate. i hate that i’m having these thoughts & it’s convincing me that i want them & that i have to just come out and change. i want to be able to go back to being comfortable as a girl. this has left me feeling so hopeless and depressed, i can’t help but cry every day. has anyone else felt like their whole world was turned upside down?
shinsset
- Date posted
- 17w
tocd + proof + advice on how to tell people?
I cant do anything anymore without my brain dregdging up proof from my past that I was actually trans and didn't know it, and it all seems so plausible. like I said in my last post its unearthing memories that I didn't even know I have. ik this is just ocd tricking me but I feel like I need to review every moment thoroughly bc I have questioned my gender in the past but always concluded that'd I'd happier as a girl (which is true). everything feels so real and it feels like I am just super in denial. also, how do I tell people about this? I made the mistake of confessing to a teacher on a note and only a couple friends of mine understand the thoughts I get, but I don't tell them everything. however its very hard for me to do basic responsibilities like school work and I always end up overwhelmed, so I'm thinking I may need accomdations. I need to get in touch with my counselor but i'm unsure how to explain all of this to her, being that I don't have a diagnosis....also I feel like I can't talk about this with the majority of my friends because gender ocd is rare to have (increasing my doubts) and, at least school-wise, i'm in very accepting environment for lgbtq and I'm afraid they're just gonna tell me to accept myself. I'm scared of doing erp for this because what if I like it (also cant afford therapy). ive also felt very apprehensive around some of my trans friends and classmates because my brain is going crazy asking "what if you're like them?" and I feel so bad and transphobic for these thoughts. i'm genuinely so tired. one of my closest friends died last year, but my father pointed out that my recent mood has been even worse than it was during that time. i tend to bottle up my emotions a lot, so everyone's just telling me to "let it go" and tell people, but if I do that I feel like i'll end up confessing. i'm so tired and lost.
anonymous123...
- Date posted
- 13w
soocd elle warren
trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.
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