- Username
- a01
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Well in my childhood/teenage years I was a big tomboy and I guess I always wanted to be a guy just because they seemed to have better/easier lives. I also would take on male roles during imaginary play, I dressed boyish, I hated when I got my period I was embarrassed by it l, didn't want to wear a bra because it was uncomfortable, I hated wearing girly clothes or wearing my hair down, I was even bullied in school and some people called me a "dyke" or a man and that really upset me. However now, I enjoy being a female, I am a lot more girly by choice because it's comfortable, and looking back, I HATED who I was and the way I looked/dressed it makes me feel embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I would never get surgery or take hormones, I enjoy hetero relationships with men, i like dressing up now, it's like I'm a different person. But sometimes looking back, I freak myself out thinking what if it wasn't a phase and I'm just suppressing my "true self". Sometimes I also just feel "manly" in my mind the way I think or respond or act to things, and sometimes I feel like I have to try to be more feminine. I really don't see myself being a transgender or gender fluid person but because I have this "evidence" it freaks me out. And sometimes when I look at myself I wish I was prettier or had more feminine features like nicer sounding voice, mannerisms, etc. I just want this feeling to go away because it's causing me so much anxiety and depression
You literally just described my exact situation. I've always liked being more masculine as a kid, but just recently I've learned I actually love being a girl. I've been wanting to dress girly now, and it genuinely brings me so much happiness. I wish I were more feminine too, like I wish my voice were higher, my hair was longer, etc. I'm straight, so when I think of being with a guy it makes me happy, but then my ocd gives me two stress pathways: either if I'm not straight, or if I only like them because I wanna be a man too. Both give me so much anxiety, then my ocd tells me I'm in denial, so I just kinda sit there, burnt out after having all of these unwanted thoughts. I just remind myself that it's my ocd, I would never try to stress myself out like that, or try to take myself from being someone I love.
That's how I feel, and I recently went through a tough break up with a guy I was in love with so I'm sure that's not helping. Also if you don't mind me asking, you said in your previous comment that you don't know if you wanna be a girl anymore..so I'm a little confused. Are you a girl who's just more tomboyish/masculine or are you a girl that wants to be a guy? Do you think what I've described is ocd or actual transgender/gender identity issue? Sorry if that's reassurance seeking I just can't find many people who have experienced this so I'm trying to relate and get some clarity
I'm sorry for the confusion! I'm just more of a tomboy girl, who is slowly becoming more girly. Personally I believe its ocd, whatever you want most is who you are☺ you said that you dont exactly like the idea of being trans or gender fluid, so I think its ocd. You arent seeking for reassurance! You just wanna know who you are and that perfectly okay. Regardless, I'm so sorry about your breakup. You're strong, and I'm always here to talk!
I feel the exact same, it's so stressful. Just know that if it gives you a weird/bad feeling then it's just your OCD, and whatever you feel happiest as is who you are☺hope this helps❤
It makes me feel very anxious and depressed but then my mind tells me it's because I'm in denial and haven't accepted it. Also, there's things in my past childhood and teenage years that would indicate "gender dysphoria" so that's makes me feel even worse. Is that something you can relate to?
@a01 yeah, I've always loved dressing more masculine, and this is a big trigger for my OCD, idk if I wanna be a girl anymore but the thought of being a boy makes me so anxious so I try to ignore it. I'm trying to combat it by continuing to dress more masculine, because I know who I am and I'm tired of my OCD getting in the way of everything I know about myself. Why does ocd have to determine who we are ya kno? It's so exhausting. If you're comfortable can you explain the gender dysmorphia you've experienced? I'd love to talk about it (:
@Jo *dysphoria
With all of the things I've told you about my past would you say that's gender dysphoria or a phase? Because I just don't know and it's driving me crazy. And thank, I literally have no one to talk to because none of my family or friends can relate or understand and I feel like I'm being so annoying every time I try talking about it..and the one person I want most left me so I'm really struggling.
Me too, my sister gets annoyed by me talking about it. What do you feel now? Do you like being a girl?
@Jo Yes I want to be a girl, I want to marry a man and have kids and live life as a woman. But I keep reading about late onset gender dysphoria and how people didn't realize they were Trans until their 30s, 40s and later and that's freaking me out. I am 27 years old and although I have a past of not being very girly I never felt like omg i need to get out of this body and into a male body..if that makes sense
@a01 SAMEMEE I WORRY ABOUT THE SAME THING WHAT. I think since you're planning your future, and you like being a girl, it's just your OCD tricking you ((:
i’m struggling with tocd too! mine kind doesn’t just focus on transgender it also focuses on non binary. I used to tell myself that i had to love everything masculine, because if i leaned in to the feminine side it’d make me a gay. Of course, it was the internalized homophobia in me because plot twist! i’m gay😌. When my ocd episodes happened I couldn’t even recognize any part of myself. One time, I had a thought that said “This body wasn’t meant to be for a woman.” and my limbs felt dead, they felt like they weren’t mine and i was just a host of my body. But there’re days where I felt clearer and understand my issue is feeling not feminine enough and i so badly want to feel feminine, i always have. I’m not brave enough to do erp yet but meditation really helps.
I had internalized misogyny, where I'd obsess over being "not like other girls" so that boys would be attracted to me, hey and plot twist, I'm actually really girly now lmao😚 do you like the idea of being a girl? Do you still feel like you're just a host of a body?
Reading your comment triggered me lol because I also have been struggling with hocd and honestly I am very afraid that one day I'm going to realize I'm gay or transgender and I have absolutely nothing wrong with people who are but for myself I don't want that. It's extremely mentally and emotionally draining a lot of the time because it's like I don't know who I am anymore the most basic things and when I read about people who finally realized after years of questioning or anxiety or signs that they brushed off, that they really are gay or trans really gives me a lot of anxiety. And then my mind tells me that I'm just internalizing everything and just afraid of being rejected by my family and society. Ugh I can't take this
@a01 I'm so sorry I triggered you! I didnt mean to! I think like this a lot too, but those people know who they are, and they know they are in denial, you on the other hand my friend have OCD, and you have thoughts that give you anxiety while the ones in denial enjoy those thoughts. I have so much anxiety about my sexuality, so I know I'm not in denial. But when I was dealing with internalized misogyny, deep down I wanted to wear big poofy pink dresses and I wanted to wear makeup and all that jazz, and I enjoyed dressing up when no one was around. Having ocd is so much more different than being in denial ❤
@Jo I like the idea of being a young female? If that makes sense? I always think of the word “girl” as someone who’s a girly girl, to the point where I would feel weird calling a tomboy female a girl? I know that’s absolutely ridiculous but this theme of ocd is distorting my perception of gender. Ive always felt like I was somewhere in the middle of a girly girl and a tomboy, never at either ends of that scale. But yeah i’m doing better and I feel like myself in my body, even though idk what that means. Im just recognizing my thought process and anxiety and just letting it pass without engaging it, doesn’t always work but i’m trying.
@north__ Hey, and you're doing good! It's the only way you can improve on your OCD! I know what you mean with the girl thing, I think that's just how society has rubbed off on us. I just remember that whatever brings me happiness or comfort is what I want, and whatever makes me feel weird or gives me anxiety is not ((:
@Jo Sorry your post didn't trigger me the other one did lol but I guess you're right. I guess I also think that my anxiety could be caused by me being in denial (I hate my brain) lol because I have proof and evidence of things in my life that would show that I am/could be trans, bi, etc. And maybe my anxiety is caused by guilt or shame...which I really pray that's not the case and I am just a straight non trans girl!
@a01 That's exactly what I pray for, I know what you mean by having 'evidence.' It feels like my own brain is working against me, I'm so happy with my gender and sexuality but my ocd always questions and challenges that :/
@Jo Yeah for sure..my mind is always playing that what if game or but...xyz it's so so exhausting I just want to be normal. I'm pretty sure it's my anxiety and ocd that pushed my bf to leave me i hate myself
@a01 i have “evidence” too, and it’s almost convincing. It fueled my ocd in ways that almost made me lose my life. But eventually this dread and anxiety will pass, i hope you do better:)
@Jo the last thing is so true! that’s my mentality to deal with this for now, baby steps
@a01 Hey, if he couldn't handle the fact that you have ocd, then you deserve better. Please dont dislike yourself, from talking to you in this thread you seem like wonderful person. I wish I could be normal too, it feels so repetitive and its exhausting. Everything happens for a reason, and we'll get through this🤗
@north__ I'm so glad you're here today! Thank you for hanging on, we love you so much and you mean so so much to us (: it will pass, you will make it out of this a stronger and happier person. Itll be so worth it in the end! We're here for you just hang in there❤
@north__ Yep, ugh it gets so overwhelming. Good luck with those steps😚
@Jo the same goes to you, we’ll get through this!
TW: GENDER OCD Okay, I posted a lil while ago about SO-OCD, but I have recently been suffering Gender OCD too. And unlike SO-OCD, this one is blowing a hole through my heart. I have never once questioned my gender. I’ve helped my trans and NB friends come out, and never once thought about my gender. But ever since my SO-OCD started and then died down, the thoughts about my gender cropped up. They range from two thoughts: I’m nonbinary, or I’m a gay trans dude in denial. And the latter one freaks me out so much, because I love reading queer media (I’m bi, and so many of my fave book series focus on gay couples), and my brain uses that as an excuse that I like it because I actually AM a gay guy. The thought is paralyzingly, and I can’t even begin to think of a way to overcome it like SO-OCD because the thought of me ‘accepting’ it as true scares the hell out of me. I can’t enjoy my favourite books anymore, or my favourite TV shows/movies. Anything with a gay couple makes my brain think I want to literally be one of them, when before I could just enjoy it for what it was, a story with queer characters. My connection to my gender is something I’ve always held dear to me, and the thought of being pulled from it is heartbreaking, and also makes me feel extremely guilty because I support trans rights so much, so why am I so scared of being trans/NB? How do I even begin to get over this when the idea of accepting the thought terrifies me? How do I begin to convince the anxiety that just because I enjoyed reading/watching something doesn’t mean I actually want it to happen in real life?
So basically I’ve been dealing with obsessing thoughts about my sexuality and gender orientation. Although the majority of my thoughts are about my gender. It’s really freaking me out! I had a really bad issue with this when I was a freshman in high school. The thoughts became much less intense and I was able to live my life although I still got anxious about it from time to time. Now I’m in college and I recently began another very intense and distressing obsession about whether or not I’m attracted to girls or whether or not I’m transgender. It’s been six months of never ending anxious thoughts that really bother me. I want to be girl (which I am now) and date boys but I have these thoughts that what if I liked girls or wanted to be a boy and that causes me sooo much anxiety. I just worry so much because I sometimes have thoughts that I am uncomfortable being a woman and with feminine things even though I really like traditionally girly things and have all my life. There was never an ounce of evidence in my childhood but I’ve heard that some people don’t find out until they’re older and they sometimes don’t have any evidence from childhood so this doesn’t reassure me. Anyways, sometimes I have thoughts that it would make sense if I were a boy and that would be more like me even though I don’t want it to be and have never really felt like that. Lastly, I get really anxious because although I’ve felt much better with these obsessive thoughts over the past few years, it still came around once in a while. Why wouldn’t it go away? If I weren’t transgender, wouldn’t it have gone away? I just need some help. I don’t know what’s happening to me? I get scared because I just want to be me but sometimes it feels like it could be wrong and I can’t tell if it’s just my anxiety or what?
I've been struggling with my gender identity since about 2018 and have reached the point where I am currently on hormones. For a little bit I thought I was a woman but as time has gone on I've settled more into nonbinary as an identity. Now that I am on hormones, I'm noticing that some changes are positive in my mind and some give me a pretty decent amount of distress and doubt. I then discovered that TOCD is a thing and it's kind of thrown me for a loop since I already know I have OCD. I already had doubts but now I'm like, "Could I just be lying to myself and I actually have TOCD?", "Is this just a transphobic diagnosis that keeps people from living as they want?", "Is it possible for me to have TOCD and still be trans/nonbinary?". I'm going to have to talk to my therapist about it but in the meantime I would love some help understanding this whole issue. Thank you.
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