- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Well in my childhood/teenage years I was a big tomboy and I guess I always wanted to be a guy just because they seemed to have better/easier lives. I also would take on male roles during imaginary play, I dressed boyish, I hated when I got my period I was embarrassed by it l, didn't want to wear a bra because it was uncomfortable, I hated wearing girly clothes or wearing my hair down, I was even bullied in school and some people called me a "dyke" or a man and that really upset me. However now, I enjoy being a female, I am a lot more girly by choice because it's comfortable, and looking back, I HATED who I was and the way I looked/dressed it makes me feel embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I would never get surgery or take hormones, I enjoy hetero relationships with men, i like dressing up now, it's like I'm a different person. But sometimes looking back, I freak myself out thinking what if it wasn't a phase and I'm just suppressing my "true self". Sometimes I also just feel "manly" in my mind the way I think or respond or act to things, and sometimes I feel like I have to try to be more feminine. I really don't see myself being a transgender or gender fluid person but because I have this "evidence" it freaks me out. And sometimes when I look at myself I wish I was prettier or had more feminine features like nicer sounding voice, mannerisms, etc. I just want this feeling to go away because it's causing me so much anxiety and depression
- Date posted
- 4y
You literally just described my exact situation. I've always liked being more masculine as a kid, but just recently I've learned I actually love being a girl. I've been wanting to dress girly now, and it genuinely brings me so much happiness. I wish I were more feminine too, like I wish my voice were higher, my hair was longer, etc. I'm straight, so when I think of being with a guy it makes me happy, but then my ocd gives me two stress pathways: either if I'm not straight, or if I only like them because I wanna be a man too. Both give me so much anxiety, then my ocd tells me I'm in denial, so I just kinda sit there, burnt out after having all of these unwanted thoughts. I just remind myself that it's my ocd, I would never try to stress myself out like that, or try to take myself from being someone I love.
- Date posted
- 4y
That's how I feel, and I recently went through a tough break up with a guy I was in love with so I'm sure that's not helping. Also if you don't mind me asking, you said in your previous comment that you don't know if you wanna be a girl anymore..so I'm a little confused. Are you a girl who's just more tomboyish/masculine or are you a girl that wants to be a guy? Do you think what I've described is ocd or actual transgender/gender identity issue? Sorry if that's reassurance seeking I just can't find many people who have experienced this so I'm trying to relate and get some clarity
- Date posted
- 4y
I'm sorry for the confusion! I'm just more of a tomboy girl, who is slowly becoming more girly. Personally I believe its ocd, whatever you want most is who you are☺ you said that you dont exactly like the idea of being trans or gender fluid, so I think its ocd. You arent seeking for reassurance! You just wanna know who you are and that perfectly okay. Regardless, I'm so sorry about your breakup. You're strong, and I'm always here to talk!
- Date posted
- 4y
I feel the exact same, it's so stressful. Just know that if it gives you a weird/bad feeling then it's just your OCD, and whatever you feel happiest as is who you are☺hope this helps❤
- Date posted
- 4y
It makes me feel very anxious and depressed but then my mind tells me it's because I'm in denial and haven't accepted it. Also, there's things in my past childhood and teenage years that would indicate "gender dysphoria" so that's makes me feel even worse. Is that something you can relate to?
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 yeah, I've always loved dressing more masculine, and this is a big trigger for my OCD, idk if I wanna be a girl anymore but the thought of being a boy makes me so anxious so I try to ignore it. I'm trying to combat it by continuing to dress more masculine, because I know who I am and I'm tired of my OCD getting in the way of everything I know about myself. Why does ocd have to determine who we are ya kno? It's so exhausting. If you're comfortable can you explain the gender dysmorphia you've experienced? I'd love to talk about it (:
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo *dysphoria
- Date posted
- 4y
With all of the things I've told you about my past would you say that's gender dysphoria or a phase? Because I just don't know and it's driving me crazy. And thank, I literally have no one to talk to because none of my family or friends can relate or understand and I feel like I'm being so annoying every time I try talking about it..and the one person I want most left me so I'm really struggling.
- Date posted
- 4y
Me too, my sister gets annoyed by me talking about it. What do you feel now? Do you like being a girl?
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo Yes I want to be a girl, I want to marry a man and have kids and live life as a woman. But I keep reading about late onset gender dysphoria and how people didn't realize they were Trans until their 30s, 40s and later and that's freaking me out. I am 27 years old and although I have a past of not being very girly I never felt like omg i need to get out of this body and into a male body..if that makes sense
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 SAMEMEE I WORRY ABOUT THE SAME THING WHAT. I think since you're planning your future, and you like being a girl, it's just your OCD tricking you ((:
- Date posted
- 4y
i’m struggling with tocd too! mine kind doesn’t just focus on transgender it also focuses on non binary. I used to tell myself that i had to love everything masculine, because if i leaned in to the feminine side it’d make me a gay. Of course, it was the internalized homophobia in me because plot twist! i’m gay😌. When my ocd episodes happened I couldn’t even recognize any part of myself. One time, I had a thought that said “This body wasn’t meant to be for a woman.” and my limbs felt dead, they felt like they weren’t mine and i was just a host of my body. But there’re days where I felt clearer and understand my issue is feeling not feminine enough and i so badly want to feel feminine, i always have. I’m not brave enough to do erp yet but meditation really helps.
- Date posted
- 4y
I had internalized misogyny, where I'd obsess over being "not like other girls" so that boys would be attracted to me, hey and plot twist, I'm actually really girly now lmao😚 do you like the idea of being a girl? Do you still feel like you're just a host of a body?
- Date posted
- 4y
Reading your comment triggered me lol because I also have been struggling with hocd and honestly I am very afraid that one day I'm going to realize I'm gay or transgender and I have absolutely nothing wrong with people who are but for myself I don't want that. It's extremely mentally and emotionally draining a lot of the time because it's like I don't know who I am anymore the most basic things and when I read about people who finally realized after years of questioning or anxiety or signs that they brushed off, that they really are gay or trans really gives me a lot of anxiety. And then my mind tells me that I'm just internalizing everything and just afraid of being rejected by my family and society. Ugh I can't take this
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 I'm so sorry I triggered you! I didnt mean to! I think like this a lot too, but those people know who they are, and they know they are in denial, you on the other hand my friend have OCD, and you have thoughts that give you anxiety while the ones in denial enjoy those thoughts. I have so much anxiety about my sexuality, so I know I'm not in denial. But when I was dealing with internalized misogyny, deep down I wanted to wear big poofy pink dresses and I wanted to wear makeup and all that jazz, and I enjoyed dressing up when no one was around. Having ocd is so much more different than being in denial ❤
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo I like the idea of being a young female? If that makes sense? I always think of the word “girl” as someone who’s a girly girl, to the point where I would feel weird calling a tomboy female a girl? I know that’s absolutely ridiculous but this theme of ocd is distorting my perception of gender. Ive always felt like I was somewhere in the middle of a girly girl and a tomboy, never at either ends of that scale. But yeah i’m doing better and I feel like myself in my body, even though idk what that means. Im just recognizing my thought process and anxiety and just letting it pass without engaging it, doesn’t always work but i’m trying.
- Date posted
- 4y
@north__ Hey, and you're doing good! It's the only way you can improve on your OCD! I know what you mean with the girl thing, I think that's just how society has rubbed off on us. I just remember that whatever brings me happiness or comfort is what I want, and whatever makes me feel weird or gives me anxiety is not ((:
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo Sorry your post didn't trigger me the other one did lol but I guess you're right. I guess I also think that my anxiety could be caused by me being in denial (I hate my brain) lol because I have proof and evidence of things in my life that would show that I am/could be trans, bi, etc. And maybe my anxiety is caused by guilt or shame...which I really pray that's not the case and I am just a straight non trans girl!
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 That's exactly what I pray for, I know what you mean by having 'evidence.' It feels like my own brain is working against me, I'm so happy with my gender and sexuality but my ocd always questions and challenges that :/
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo Yeah for sure..my mind is always playing that what if game or but...xyz it's so so exhausting I just want to be normal. I'm pretty sure it's my anxiety and ocd that pushed my bf to leave me i hate myself
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 i have “evidence” too, and it’s almost convincing. It fueled my ocd in ways that almost made me lose my life. But eventually this dread and anxiety will pass, i hope you do better:)
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo the last thing is so true! that’s my mentality to deal with this for now, baby steps
- Date posted
- 4y
@a01 Hey, if he couldn't handle the fact that you have ocd, then you deserve better. Please dont dislike yourself, from talking to you in this thread you seem like wonderful person. I wish I could be normal too, it feels so repetitive and its exhausting. Everything happens for a reason, and we'll get through this🤗
- Date posted
- 4y
@north__ I'm so glad you're here today! Thank you for hanging on, we love you so much and you mean so so much to us (: it will pass, you will make it out of this a stronger and happier person. Itll be so worth it in the end! We're here for you just hang in there❤
- Date posted
- 4y
@north__ Yep, ugh it gets so overwhelming. Good luck with those steps😚
- Date posted
- 4y
@Jo the same goes to you, we’ll get through this!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???
- Date posted
- 17w
I cant afford therapy which is why i’m not diagnosed with ocd. The first time i had heard what ocd was truly abt was 6 years ago when i overthinking my sexual identity and it fit. Additionally, i struggle with debilitating health anxiety and when i was in a rlt i was extremely anxious that i might not love my partner. This is the third year i experience distress around my sexuality but this year it feels real. And it could also explain my rlt anxiety. Comphet is a concept that really scares me. I dont want to be with a girl. I would rather die than discover i was lesbian. I cant accept uncertainty cz i dont want to be homosexual. Chat GPT told me it wasnt ocd + the thoughts dont distress me anymore. I experience 3 intense weeks of anxiety prior to now. Maybe its internalized homophobia. Maybe its comphet. I do find women to be attractive but i dont wanna be with them. Maybe i’m in denial. Idk anything anymore. I’m remembering times where i would find an actress attractive and try to shift my focus towards the man cz it would make me anxious. I’m not well at all.
- Date posted
- 15w
I think when people are saying OCD is egodystonic is really triggering me and I was just wondering if this has happened to anyone else? I’m going through a really bad relapse and right now I’m trying to figure out if my thoughts are truly egodystonic, like I how do I know I won’t act on them, how can I trust my emotions and everything. I feel really confused and I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore or how I carry on with life because it’s so long and I’m so unsure of everything that’s going on in my head. Like how do I know that this is OCD and true desires/urges. I’m so confused.
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond