I fucking swear!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know why my own fucking mother wants my dick to come out by looking at me the whole time I’m trying to watch a fucking football game and thinking about in a sexual way. Like I already fucking know my body responds to people looking at me in a sexual way when I’m not looking at them. Like fucking shit. My mind shakes and shakes it’s head like I try to calm down but I can’t my mind. I really need help with this whole arousal shit for like fucking fucking more than 2 and a half years I’ve been dealing with this arousal shit and I’m just so fucking tired and fed up cuz I don’t know what I should do. My mind is t thinking about nothing I’m trying to focus to what’s in front of me but yet for some reason I have a arousal feeling that affects my daily living, it affect me having a job, and on top of that I have weird thoughts that pop up when I see a fucking chick. Like I’m so fucking tired of this shit. My fucking therapist don’t respond to shit. They don’t tell me what I should be doing or not fucking doing and I’m like fucking over this shit. I’m getting fucking tired of feeling shit and not knowing what to do to not feel shit. Like I do everything I would do on a daily I don’t avoid it but my body and mind are not working together anymore or at least not the way it should be working and I’m just so fucking tired and just idk anymore man. There’s got to be a therapist in this world who can help me with this shit cuz I’m fucking tired of this shit. I do all ERP’s possible and I’m just lost like what am I supposed to do anymore. Fuck man!!!! I want to walkout out my house and just go for a fucking walk and shit and I just don’t know what to do anymore if this is anxiety then why is it always the same bullshit every fucking day. I fucking swear man. I’m just tired and done with this shit. I mean fuck man. Like I shouldn’t be more comfortable in public places to where nobody knows me then places to where they know damn well if they looked at me in a sexual way is going to trigger me and I’m just so fucking tired like leave me the fuck alone already. I literally want to fucking cuss my mom out again and tell her to stop and start beating peoples asses when they start doing this shit to me cuz I know when it’s happening to me in purpose and I’m tired of playing dumb as if it doesn’t affect me cuz it does so or later I’m a just fuck a motherfucker up real fucking talk.

It’s not a fucking exposure she just doesn’t understand that I have HOCD and it scares her so she thinks if she can get me hard that it proves I’m straight and shit and I’m just grossed out by my mom doing it to me and shit cuz it’s not natural. And it’s also hard already since I have weird thoughts that pop up when I see a chick. Like I’ve done pictures with chicks before and see the stupid shit come out and I see the negative ones that come out to of like the chick pushing me off or telling me I’m still gay and so on and so forth I’m not a fucking idiot I’ve been through enough of this negative shit that comes in my fucking head. I’ve had the worst days that no one else has had to endure and it still didn’t get me to think I was gay. Nothing will ever make me gay. If I’m asexual then fucking cool cuz I’m not going to be dealing with women and there dumb ass shit. Yes I know I get hard thinking about women when I can actually think about having sex with them all this shit is just so fucking stupid and I’m just like what the fuck do I got to do to stop with this arousal shit. Like enough is fucking enough. My own fucking therapist’s never give me the reassurance I need. I literately can’t get a good job cuz of this shit. I just quit my job cuz I’m tired of nothing changing. Everything just stays the fucking same and I’m like what do I have to do to change it then? I’m unsure of what I need to do to change this. I can see the thoughts in my head and when I don’t have thoughts in my head and can feel when someone else is looking at me in a sexual way. It causes me to pay attention to that then what I’m seeing in front of me. That’s something I can’t change and I should be able to change that. Like any normal person could feel when someone is looking at them staring at them and would tell them to fucking stop and that’s how I want to be with my mom everytime she does it. It just fucking pisses me off. My therapist keeps trying to tell me she’s not but I’m not a fucking idiot my body and head don’t react for no fucking reason and it just pisses me off when my therapist tried to tell me she isn’t or all this other bull shit it just makes me more angry and pissed it doesn’t help me at all. I’m just fed up with not knowing what to do to get better and I’m just needing to know what I need to do to get better without any sort of set income. Like I want to get better but no one can give me a fucking answer on how to get better.

@swolejaboy I completely understand your frustration. With OCD your therapist is not going to tell you your okay or you going to be fine. Because you need to get there on your own. To get a better handle on OCD you need to be able to accept uncertainty. That is the only way to get through this. Also you must sit with your anxiety as well. Breathe through it until it gets comfortable enough for you to move on.

@Connie101 Well it’s been 2 yrs basically and I haven’t got there on my own. So I’m just fucking pissed about not knowing what I should be doing to get better. It’s been 2 yrs and I don’t know anymore. I’m not thinking about killing myself im not thinking anything really. It’s like I just can’t get anxiety but I can’t figure out what to do to get better. I have weird thoughts that pop up for women so ok look at pictures of women for 45 to 60 mins and let the thoughts come out. I still have the HOCD crap so looking at pictures of women is also a compulsion. So I’m stuck. That’s where I’m at and I feel like if I’m stuck shouldn’t a therapist try to unstuck me just a little bit. I don’t know what to do when I’m stuck. I don’t know enough about therapy to unstuck myself.

@swolejaboy Yes and no. But if you feel as if your therapist is not helping and its not working. Then maybe you should seek to find another therapist. Which complety understandable. I just don't want you to give up hope that things will get better. I know it doesn't seem like they will. I was depressed from 2015 to 2018. It wasn't until fall 2018 I got out of that episode. During those 4 years I had no friends, no therapist, my family give me no support. All I did was stay home all day and plus I was homeschooled. Out of those 4 year I probably went outside 3 months worth. If that makes sense. So I get it I'm not in the same situation but I understand. Just don't lose hope

Good idea!

I don’t have that luxury. I’m triggered different periods of the whole day. I can feel arousals from 50 to 100 feet away. My neighbors are in on what my mom does and my older brother since he’s gay and thinks HOCD is a scham and what I’m bout to say next is a compulsion but I don’t care cuz I’m trying to make a point. Compared to my brother who has had relations with a dude or dudes I don’t really ask him about it. I’ve never had relations with a dude and don’t plan to. I can face a gay guy face to face and be like whatever. I even without knowing a dude was gay at the fucking OCD game changer event came and directed me to the right group I should be in and my balls just came in but it still wasn’t enough to get me over the top. The only time I can feel an arousal for a dude is when I’m in the car driving or being driven by my mom or taking a Lyft. I have no issues facing a dude unless the thoughts are to much but I watch to much sports to let it get real bad like how it was back in the day. I get irritated when a chick for instance someone like my mom or the therapist that was trying to do the same thing while being in the circle of the group I was at for this event was trying to look at me in a sexual way. The therapist at the group who was attractive who was doing it irritated me cuz nothing was actually going to come of it cuz we weren’t going to exchange numbers and we weren’t going to go out so I just don’t like it when it’s not fucking natural. All this fake ass shit is bull shit. I want to get an erection for a chick who isn’t doing it in purpose and I just happen to get one for her cuz I find her attractive and I can go out with her. When my mother does it I’m like fuck this shit. I hate it. It disgusts me. Especially when I’m trying to do something. She would do it to me when I’m trying to talk with her and I’m like fucking bitch stop that shit or I’m fucking leaving. Like I get so fucking irritated with it. I don’t give a fuck if she’s a chick. She is my fucking mom and I’m not going to deal with that shit from her.

Improved on what don’t tell me you e dealt with this shit cuz you haven’t so don’t fucking tell me you have. You’ve probably dealt with some other shit but not the same bull shit I’m dealing with.

@swolejaboy That's not very fair of you to say. You don't know his story. I get that you are upset but dismiss someone's struggle because you feel they don't get you.

@Connie101 All I was stating was his story wasn’t like mine and even though his OCD was very debilitating his OCD is different from mine so I don’t want to hear someone tell me that they have the same shit as mine. Yes it’s all OCD but that doesn’t mean it’s the same themes.

@swolejaboy Very true but you still don't know his story. I have hope for you that it will get better

Nobody knows how bad someone’s condition is, unless it’s your own. OCD severity levels vary. How you perceive the way it’s affecting you can be different than someone else.