If I feel dishonest with myself, and I am not perfect, my life isn't worth living. And that's why I've got OCD.

@soup It's hard to believe that, but thanks.

I'm not in therapy and don't have access to it. I tried convincing myself OCD was right which lead me to here - I feel like I want my OCD to ne right but at the same time cannot accept it because my intuition won't let me, but also when I start to feel like I was pre-OCD it doesn't bring relief or joy anymore, because it feels like I don't want that and that's depressing.

@ｆｅｎｎａ Bless you, that sounds difficult You seem to be stuck in how you ‘should be feeling’ like when you said you dont feel releif when you have a good day ect, but there really is no should feel, it comes in time. Me for example, When I am happy I find myself worrying about how long until my OCD comes back and cant enjoy it, but this is all part of the OCD and therefore we can deal with it. You cannot control how you feel, however you can control how you react to how you feel - now I am still trying to come to terms with this bit because my silly 17 yr old brain can’t work it out properly, however it totally makes sense and I think once we accept that we can start to work on ‘Ok, I feel like this, I can’t control that... but I can control how I counter it’ and I think thats really important to pulling through it I see you can’t get acsess to therapy, where abouts are you? Is it a money issue?? I also always if you just want to talk to a counceller recomend ‘the mix’ for under 25s Also, don’t convince yourself OCD is right, because it isnt, it is a glitch that shouldnt be but is, so OCD is wrong, tell it I don’t care what you say, you arent important to me. But don’t sit and think about it for agesss I find working is helping me, physical work. Its hard and exhausting but I am volenteering at a equine centre and not only does it feel great to be helping someone for free, but I am doing hard work and its difficult to sit and let yourself go down the overthinking hole when theres tasks to do, sure youll still get thoughts, we cant stop that, but we can control how we respond to them, I ususally treat it like an annoying little demon, when my OCD says ‘youre gonna get depressed and die’ i say ‘youre a liar, now fek off and let me work’ and thats it, I dont spend ages figuring out why its wrong or trying to accept it, i just let it happen, tell it I am not listening (often outloud because it just feels like im making it a reality by saying it as OCD is in the head but it cant talk, I can talk, so its kinda distunguishing me vs OCD) Now I know its hard to say just dont think about the intrusive thoughts when they happen, it really is, I often find myself arguing about them still, it takes a bit of practice, but rome wasnt made in a day. You can do this, i promice you we can all beat OCD back into the hole it crawled out of ❤️

@PositivityPowah Yeah you're right. I just am concerned that I don't want to feel the same as I used to. I feel like I cannot. I hate myself for being gay again, probably because I've been replaying memories and stuff. (I'm gay with SO-OCD, to clarify). Because at this point OCD seems more rational which is dumb, but the only reliable thing that would tell me I'm gay is my intuition, but it also gets screwed by OCD from time to time. And yes, that's a great way to put it. I'm in a relatively small town at the moment so there is no therapists here. I don't know what The Mix is,could you elaborate? I do that as much as possible until my intuition reassures me. My intuition has gotten pretty intrusive over the years. Immersing in work is very helpful too, but I don't have much energy for it or the time unfortunately. Thank you so much for the words, it means a lot.

@ｆｅｎｎａ Ah I understand, I was feeling similar for a while, but I remembered OCD is an illness, yknow what that means? Its not you, just a disease that you can work to squash. I would stop worrying about how you feel or want to feel, that will come in time, the more you worry and get upset about the fact you dont feel the way you want, the more upset about it you will be OCD is the opposite of rational, it used to be called doubting disease, its the wildest and randomest thing, don’t trust a thing it tells you The mix is a online therapy type thing where you can talk to councellers via email, or on the 1-2-1 chat, they also have crisis helplines and texting and it is free. They probably won’t be qualified with OCD, but if you explain what it is they will probably have a basic understanding of it already and help you figure things out, especially with how you are feeling, i think it would help I understand OCD is very energy draining, maybe try something that works the brain out, are you interested in languages? You coukd try learning a new one on duolingo, or there are these little colouring books i think they are called de stress colouring books or mindfulness colouring books which are awesome. Also, look after yourself, take that relaxing bath, wear the nice clothes, eat your favorite meal, learn to be kind to yourself and you will be thanking yourself later, you do deserve to feel good logically there is no reason you wouldnt deserve to feel good, its just OCD trying to pull you down