I am not sure if OCD is what I have, I struggle to open up completely, even to a therapist in fear they will not understand me. But basically, I catastrophise the past constantly. With 'what if's'. A friend i confided in suggests it might be becuase of a traumatic event I experienced 8 years ago, I still think back to what happened to me. basically my body's reaction was to freeze rather than fight back. I've always had a hard time dealing with this because I thought I would fight back. When I think back to it I think 'what if I did fight back, would I be a different (happier) person' or ' what if I fought back and could have stopped it'. Now, my mind is always in the past. I have been trying to make sense to why that happened to me, so I do a lot of 'what if I did....' and think of extreme scenarios and convince my self that maybe i did do that to explain the traumatic event. I can add so much depth into my what if scenarios that I can convince myself its true. I once believed I did something one time when I had alochol and the next day when I mentioned it to my friend she said that never happened. But I have it in my thoughts like its a true memory. How do you know if a thought is just a thought? Or if all the 'what if's' are true? On my good days I realise how irrational I am being and know I have a clear conscious and am a good person. I dont even think about the what if scenarios I usually have in my mind . But on the bad days I'm so convinced and feel so guilty that I've done something so bad that I deserve all of this. Can anyone relate? Does anyone know if this is a form of OCD?

Oh love, PTSD and OCD together is just the worst, I've been exactly where you are. Self blame and not being able to make sense of what happened and feeling like it was your responsibility for not escalating or stopping it, is really really normal. I really don't suggest going over the memory again and again to look for details and try to understand it better, it really does make you more and more confused. I went through what you're going through alone plus the guilt of 'betraying' the person by talking about it, without having anyone I trusted and that messed me up so I really suggest making sure you have safety and support to talk about it confidentially, you'll be amazed how many people feel the same ways after this stuff happens. Our memories are also super vulnerable to suggestion because they don't get made and stored properly during a trauma so it's not your fault that you have gaps and confusion but I really don't suggest trying to get closure via getting confidence about every single detail, so on those bad days instead of ruminating on the guilt and memories and rehashing, I think it could be good to do your best to give yourself some kindness knowing that it will pass. And it'll happen less and less if you're able to leave it alone. It's awful because it feels like something you NEED a clear answer on but it's possible to live a really fulfilled and happy life without being absolutely certain about everything.

Thank you. Yeah I feel like all I do is entertain these thoughts. I have been trying to let it go, and the good days are increasing! So thats a good sign

It could be OCD, But it seems like a huge rumination problem. The issue in your head only exists because you entertain it is what it seems like. You have to let go.