- Username
- JohnS
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Yeah, it’s annoying that I got free from one and now on to the next. And my brain just I guess sexualizes everything when I know I don’t want too. Or plan too. If that makes sense
Hi john! Good to see you, I’ve been wondering how you’ve been. As always, I can relate. I’ve been doing moderately well as well, however, my ocd has been manifesting in this exact way. Every diaper change or bath seems to trigger a new obsession. I am hyper aware of where my hands are as welll and super concerned about my intention behind every wipe, etc. This week I was bathing my daughter and lately I’ve just been avoiding washing her butt or vagina for fear I would over analyze. I decided to not avoid and I went In to clean those areas and instantly was worried I lingered too long down there or spent unnecessary time/ did I unnecessary movement down there. Also this week, my daughter had an explosive bowel movement, and she was throwing a fit as I was changing her. It was everywhere! I was cleaning her up and mid clean I thought “wow this is weird you aren’t triggered” and then all of a sudden, I was 🙃 of course. She had a bit up on the top of her private area, so I swiftly wiped it off and my brain went into panic mode about why I chose to wipe her in that fashion. Last night, we were playing outside and I picked my daughter up and was tipping her upside down. I was holding her legs, and then after she was right side up I had her cradled in my arms, head in the crook of my arm. She started writhing around trying t to get out of my arms and I was holding her upper thigh area to try and get out of my arms. She was starting to throw a fit and to prevent her from falling I was holding her upper thigh Area. She was wiggling and writhing around and changing positions, and my hands were as well trying to prevent her from falling to the ground. But I had the thought/ urge that I could/should/needed to hold her in a way where my hand would be between her legs, grasping her diaper. I always avoid that area, I don’t wanna give my brain anymore opportunity to run wild, it is this exact manuever that what sparked this whole ocd episode for me. So I didn’t do it, (at least I don’t think I did)-but the urge was strong to. And this is the current thing that I’m obsessing over. Why did I have the urge to hold her that way? I almost did it, I was so close to just doing it. I didn’t, but why did I feel like I wanted to? The fact that I had the urge and wasn’t completely terrified by it, terrifies me. Another incident occurred last week where again my daughter was throwing a fit while I was changing her. She kept standing up on the changing table and would not lay down and let me wipe her. It was getting everywhere and she was trying to step in it. She was naked, and kept locking her knees and wouldn’t lay down. Diaper changes are always high anxiety for me, I just want to get them over with so when things like this happen I get super flustered and anxious. I was losing my patience so I took some deep breaths, but she was really testing me. So when she finally let me wipe her, I started freaking out that I wiped her too roughly or maliciously out of my frustration of the whole situation. I also was worried that I used her defiance as an excuse to handle her uneccessarily or roughly while she was naked. I’ve been able to move forward from all of these bothersome scenarios, aside from the urge that occurred last night, because it felt so real. But I swear it’s like the second I stop obsessing over one thing, a brand new one will present itself the next diaper change. It’s so exhausting and relentless. I just wanted to commiserate with you and let you know my ocd has been manifesting in this exact way and latching onto any and every movement that could be deemed questionable in my mind.
Yeah it’s incrediblly annoying. I mean the fact is the thoughts were there, and my sons butt did move cuz I had to wipe hard to get the crap off and I did have that thought and I did wipe again because I needed too. Like I knew it would move again. I just can’t tell if what I did was malicious. I mean I don’t or seek any self gratification and would never maliciously hurt my kids or anyone. But the thought was there. So not sure if I’m just fearful of those situations, so I’m hyper sensitive and than it manifests.
I think that’s what it is. The hyper awareness thing. Most people would not over analyze these things. It’s like the whole thing of whatever you tell your brain not to do/think of, it’s gonna of course do it by default. Or like if you start thinking about a tingling in your hand, you’re gonna feel a tingle in your hand. The mind is a very powerful thing.
It does. I can totally relate! I hate it. The second I get over one, another one immediately latches.
Yeah this I’m just struggling with because I instantly knew in that moment that this would spike me. Like butts jiggle, it’s funny. I’m not trying to get any real gratification out of any of this. How would one deal with that? Just let it be, call it what it is - a weird/intrusive moment and move on?
That happens to me a lot too. I will be super aware of everything and I will know for a fact my ocd is gonna grab onto anything and everything it can, yet there is still no preventing it from happening.
How are you feeling today?
@Freemeofocd Hello, good evening have you been able to recover from this form of OCD?
There was a post on the forum of parents with ocd creating a discord maybe joining that would be comforting
I feel like my head is so messed up. I tell myself, you wouldn't do the things you think about and fear, you have morals. But then I question if my morals are strong enough? Or if my morals have changed at all? I never used to question things like this until my ocd really flared up in the beginning of September, and it's sort of been hell since. Questioning myself, questioning my morals, questioning my intentions, feelings, everything. My main obsession right now is if I find the thoughts enjoyable or not. I feel constantly uncomfortable, uneasy, and anxious. Whenever I see kids in real life I feel fine, I know I'm not attracted to them. But when I'm in my head and the thoughts pop up I question everything and worry that I enjoy them, even though I don't feel bad about kids for the most part in real life? The thoughts are never usually even explicit, it's just like, do you see children in a sexual i ed way? Did you imagine that child in a sexual used way? And I bounce back and forth between being like "no, I'm fine, I know I'm not a pedophile, I find the thought of pedophilia disgusting," and "constant anxiety worrying that I am one and that I only feel anxiety all the time because deep down I know I'm a bad person." Does anyone else share any experiences similar to mine or have any words of wisdom?
Is it possible to act on a thought but not have its intention? Like when I changed my baby girl, the thoughts kept telling me to wipe her in a specific area over and over again, I even had thoughts that were agreeing with the others like “yeah I do but I can’t” “yeah I like it” yadda yadda. I wiped her again over and over as the thoughts said but does that mean I had that intention? Or did my thoughts make me believe I did when I had a mental breakdown over it after and even now. Uncertainty is the worst because I feel like I committed an evil thing but I can’t remember my intentions because I’m an idiot and when I panicked while I grabbed her clean diaper to put back on her I forcibly made myself forget it. So I’m just wondering if that’s even possible. To wipe again out of impulse of thinking it not because of the thoughts’ intention. I’m not like that this I know because I can bathe and change them just fine today. However I’m more mindful now to hurry when change or bathe them so I don’t get in my head again. I’m just wondering here. Because I still havent let the event go and it was months ago. I had a brief period where I let it go and felt fine but it always comes back. I’m a good man with a good heart and big one at that. Especially for my baby girls. So let me know if this is even possible. I’m losing my sanity.
Lately my ocd is latching onto my children. In my opinion, for me, this is the most painful and most debilitating theme of ocd. My daughter asked me to help her wash and rinse the shampoo from her hair while she was in the shower because she has thick hair and sometimes she has trouble shampooing and rinsing it all out. A normal, common task for me. At some point I caught a glimpse of her private area and my ocd immediately tried to make me believe I looked intentionally. I know I didn’t and I know I do not think of her or any child in that way but now my ocd has me questioning myself. I was just doing what I always do so I don’t remember at what point I saw it. Was I reaching for and looking down for the shampoo when I saw it or was I reaching up to her hair and saw it as I looked up? Did I look due to just normal human tendency to look where we know we’re not supposed to and if that’s the case does that make me horrible? I’m driving myself insane trying to prove I do NOT feel or think that way about her. I don’t want to live if this is how my brain works. Ocd is evil and this is the hardest kind of intrusive thought to get past. 😩
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