really wanting reassurance god i wont ask for it i just need to vent i leave social interactions always ruminating the ways i was a bad person or too much or talked too much or was too over the top or this or that or bad or made people not like me and then also the moments i had intrusive thoughts and i feel like when i like someone i avoid them on purpose because i go im a lot i have so much baggage and their better off without me even if its just a date or flirting i find a way of convincing myself through ruminating and intrusive thoughts that its like well i think these things they deserve a purely good person and outside of ocd im a mess and theyd be dating someone who was always wondering her sexuality and who had perverted intrusive thoughts and i just feel bad for someone dating me sometimes i talk too much and i can take up all the conversation and i dont mean it its like if i have anxiety cracking jokes and being entertaining makes me feel useful and safe but sometimes i go ugh i didnt include people and then i go what if im a narcissist like why do i need this attention and validation so much and i go yeah i was too much i bet they all hate me even though i know they dont hate me but its like i go well i couldve been better at that when interacting so i get hard on myself and analyze all the things that wouldve made the moment the way it shouldve been like tonight ... this guy i think i like at my catering job sometimes we make prolonged eye contact and one time he asked to make me a drink and went out of his way to bring me wine when i never got back to the bar to get it from him at the end of the night ... of course in my mind i turned these small things into meaning way more than they do because of how lonely i am... anyway today i avoided him more than i used to and purposely didnt talk to him and i feel bad about it because its rude to do that even if the reason is because i like him oand i think because i was afraid to talk to him i was way too obnoxious and loud when talking to my friends at work and im just afraid i made a fool of myself and that he probably finds me annoying and weird because i was a little annoying and weird... and then i go you dont even know if you like him or you want to like him so just leave all crushes alone because youre not in a place to even flirt these schmucks deserve a normal girl with normal thoughts and with a normal history and future i would be ruining their life because im already ruining mine... like the thing is i hate ruminating over this stuff like i want to just have a cute moment or bad moment and let it go and say okay if something happens great if not great or like ill be fine either way but i know once i think to much about a certain infatuation i will ruin the chances of any potential ... in my mind alone i can play out all circumstsances until seeing that person becomes a way bigger thing than it should and then i go great does this make me a creep that i even over think this stuff because its not even about the person its more about a fantasy i make in my mind about them and then about me shitting on myself in regards to never deserving the fantasy ... hope that makes sense and people can relate 🤷‍♀️