TW, sexual abuse I’m not sure if this is reassurance seeking I just every now and then feel raw and confused. I cant tell if it’s false memory on some part but when I was younger we used to have a family friend who would come around and I never realized it till I got older but he had a rather inappropriate connection with me in the things he said and then I came out to my family about when I realized he had molested me, rubbing my back under my shirt and then touching my breasts. I remember this pretty clearly I feel but every now and then I feel guilt? I can’t tell if it’s my ocd, I’m sure it is but it tells me I’m lying, that, that doesn’t qualify as molestation and that I falsely accused him when even if I asked him as a child I can’t quite remember... that’s still wrong and something an adult shouldn’t be doing as well as the other ways he interacted with me. It just confuses me, I start to get anxious and can’t figure out if I falsely accused him despite the memory of it being vivid and that not being an appropriate thing. It feels horrible every time it comes into my mind and I feel uncomfortable.

I’m so sorry for your struggle but believe that you are stronger than the average person because of it. You have lived through what no one should. You should feel honored being who you are every day. ?

It can be very diffilxult. There have been periods where I struggle to get out of my head and ‘control’ intimate encounters, develop an addiction, and then bad thoughts rise for a period and I’m either not interested or just sometimes sexually neutered. Having said that, a lot has had to be said for me being a whole lot more ‘able’ when I let the thoughts be there. VERY hard to do when it makes you feel like the perpetrator though, although I don’t fret I will become that. OCD can take my sex life hostage, making it a thing to perform in and ‘master’. It stay stuck regardless of success/failure/experience/mood. It just kills it. We had a second child recently so there was a bit of a break understandably for my partner, which is when these thoughts creep in. I feel a bit pathetic talking about how it affects me but.......I guess that’s how it’s manifested. I just wish I could be better at just letting go. I don’t know why I just can’t let go. It must be tough for your bf dianaaa. Seeing my busier everyday would have driven me to commit GBH or something by now. No way I could keep that inside. How does he cope? I’m going to a survivors group in January. I’ve dealt with this twice before and last time was a decade ago so I think another layer has arisen (maybe because my eldest is the same age I was - perhaps that was what triggered the OCD this time around). Thanks for listening I needed to offload. God I love everyone here. You’ve all been so instrumental to my healing

Isai I apologise as I hijacked your thread? Don’t take the guilt on yourself. Lay that shit where it firmly belongs. I know that is difficult to do though, guilt tends to manifest in some indirect way rather than a simple ‘it’s my fault I was taken advantage of’. I think a lot of people have guilt around telling and the impact it will have on other family members, or guilt that if they don’t say anything then they are to blame if someone else falls prey. A lot like ocd neither are true but both feel very real. But put yourself first here: you have been taken advantage of, and that needs healing. Anyone who puts that on you in any way is a coward and not fit for purpose. This is not, and will never be your fault.

Have you told anyone? OCD makes me and everyone doubt even the clearest things. But you know this is a real memory. What are your plans about what to do?

It is certainly inappropriate behaviour with a child. My condolences as I experienced violation as younger. Although it’s only the ocd themes around my last that bother me. The actual sexual abuse doesn’t bother me at all - which is fucked up i know

It’s just confusing and has me questioning myself it’s like my ocd or my head it’s trying to make me feel like I wasn’t justified in saying it was molestation and that I’m in the wrong for telling my family and that I’m lying.. idk if that’s normal I’ve been told that guilt is normal with sexual abuse victims but everything keeps telling me I’m lying and told for attention when it happened and makes me uncomfortable to think about.

Your boyfriend was molested too? See - it’s awful that it happens to anyone but boys get interfered with WAY more than the media would have you believe. Tell him he is a warrior - it’s been the biggest battle of my life. Especially when you parent yourself and it all comes back

My family knows, I’ve talked to my mom about it and my guilt and she of course told me I shouldn’t feel that way. I just hope I can move past this and find I’m not in the wrong no matter how much my head feels I am.

Yes it’s normal. But you have to push past it to be justified. I promise it will be better. Please do this. You can begin healing and the truth always lifts burdens off of your shoulders, always. Please don’t keep paying attention to the guilt and doubt, please tell someone. My boyfriend had to do the same and he doesn’t even have ocd.

Thank you for your words. I was the first one he ever told. Boys are stereotyped so much, ppl think they either don’t get molested or should be man enough to get over it but both of those are complete crap. I will tell him - it bothers me a lot bc it is his brother and nothing happened when we told anyone. And I see his brother a lot and he sees him every day. Terrible

It’s okay, we all need to vent sometimes. Yeah I just wish it wasn’t guilt in the sense of doing my abuser wrong or like I shouldn’t feel how I do. Thank you for talking with me.

Of course