I’m a be honest I have an issue with people who are coming on here as therapists but are acting like people with real problems with their OCD. Like I get it it’s comforting to know someone else is dealing with the same issue as you and your not some weirdo all alone with this issue. These in my opinions are also compulsions cuz we’re looking for some sort of reassurance that we aren’t alone. Being alone is ok. Having OCD is ok. Someone who suffers from OCD who isn’t a therapist can be strong mentally and still suffer like me. Just cuz I have a strong sense of OCD does not mean I’m strong willed enough to get out of my head without actually a therapist going through the steps with me to get out of my head. I have shaken at public places but my thought isn’t to give up after the fact that I was shaking like I was having a seizure my thought after that is to get mad and do it again. That’s my reaction. My reaction is to do it again and again until I stop shaking. If I don’t agree with something that isn’t acceptable to me I do it again. For instance my therapist in January of 2019 did some sort of therapy to see the core of my beliefs I haven’t been told what it’s actually been called but anyways I got out of my head about a certain topic and it made me confused but I myself was the one that said something in my head that got me back in my head and have anxiety. Up until May of 2020 I had always relied on agreeing with my thoughts to lower my anxiety and thoughts but ever since May of 2020 I had no longer agree with thoughts and let the thoughts come I do sometimes get myself caught in controlled thinking but for the most part I let my thoughts come and go on their own. Last week I meditated and after the meditation my mind and anxiety had lowered to the point that I was accepting that I was gay and instead of doing what I did last time and all the other times of me saying something in my head I stood my ground and let my mind for however long it can last being out of my head and not having anxiety and it lasted for a minute to where my mind was like wait.. that means I’ll have to start liking guys and and sucking dick and was feeling gross not to the point that it was horrible but just gross to where my face was making gross expressions and I found myself having anxiety again and the words dude/dick coming out and again I did not do anything to get myself anxiety after the fact. The reason I got anxiety again cuz there is no reassurance or basis of me ever having been gay which is why I got back to having anxiety cuz my mind couldn’t on its own find something strong enough to keep me believing I was gay there just wasn’t strong enough evidence to keep me out of my mind believing I was gay. Which is why I have been adamant to my therapist’s to throw everything and anything and let’s see what happens since I have now for 5 months not been in a agreeing mode and I just let the thoughts come. I have been constantly underestimated by my therapists and it sucks cuz I know my heart I know my will power I know how hard I work to be me again and what I would do to get better to start living the life I want. I need a therapist who matches my mental strength and is willing to throw the kitchen sink at me cuz I can take it. The flow of tears that have happened twice in the past 2 yrs was of me finding out that having a child or children is something close to my heart and when I was at the OCD gamechangers event when the host Chrissy Hodges started to cry about how debilitating her HOCD was I felt the same flow of tears as me learning I wanted kids. I won’t be defeated and I need a therapist to understand that.