My OCD started when my grandfather died when I was 16. I was traumatized. Nobody knew what OCD was in my family so it was extremely difficult. I was scared, still is because it can be consuming. It is the most difficult thing that I've experience to this day. The truth is I know, I know the intrusive thoughts, I know all about OCD but I just cant stop it. The intrusive thoughts are a bitch.

I don’t even know where to start because there’s so much going on in my head and it feels like there’s so much evidence for every thought. Like my ocd feels like it doesn’t just have one specific theme it’s honestly every theme and it just switches throughout the day depending on the thoughts I have. This started all about a month ago, this whole ocd flare up. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd for about 3 years now and looking back on my childhood, I feel like I’ve had it for probably my entire life. My grandpa just recently died back in February and I feel like this whole ocd spiral is a result of dealing with grief especially because it didn’t even hit me for the whole month of April for some reason and things felt “normal”. But since this ocd flare up has started I’ve been constantly reviewing and revisiting my past, all my childhood memories and so many of them are terrifying which is weird because I never had a traumatic event hppen to me as a child. I feel like it’s always been “self-inflicted” trauma if that makes sense? My mind is telling me so many things related to so many topics like maybe I liked my family member as a kid and have just hid it to fit in with society? That my anxiety as a kid has caught up with me and I’m turning into a psychopath? That I’ve always been a creep and enjoyed looking at peoples privates or chests, etc but just ignored or allowed the thought this whole time. Also before this whole flare up I remember always feeling on autopilot and not really alive like everything I did I just felt numb about it. Which aids my ocd to tell me that these feelings are real and the thoughts are true and that I’m “waking up” or realizing or something. I haven’t felt such intense anxiety and distress since I was a kid and I didn’t even understand my own thoughts. It’s like I’m either hyper aware or totally unaware of what’s going on around me and it gets me thinking about my existence, personality, what my role in life is and like genuinely what I’m even doing in the moment like what’s the reason behind everything. I’m constantly questioning my intentions because I don’t know if they’re true or not and it’s like my ocd doesn’t even allow me to consider the thought it just jumps to conclusion. Like telling me I’m guilty before proven innocent. It honestly feels like so much at once to even simply call it ocd or anxiety because it feels like a crisis and any moment I could spiral and breakdown completely. Going to school everyday feeling like anytbing could trigger a panic attack at any moment makes me feel like I can’t be left alone with my thoughts. And like overall since I got down this rabbit hole, my first obsession was harm to myself, then it was harm to others specifically my family, then it was being a pervert or pedo, or being attracted or someone or something I shouldn’t be, which then makes me question my existence and who I am along with also being hyper aware of my facial movements like my eyebrows, nose, etc. Like why does ocd have to involve itself in every aspect of my life? It feels like there’s always something wrong that I need to fix.

I've been struggling about OCD for a long time and I've only been made aware of it now. It's the cause of all my worrying, compulsions, and all the times I feel unpeaceful. When I first learnt about it I felt really relieved. My kind of "obsession" are intrusive thoughts that contradict my faith and values. I've spent years fighting these thoughts and doing compulsions of seeking reassurance from verses or praying and such or saying "no I don't!!" when they happen. I try to ignore them anduse cognitive defusion but sometimes it just breaks my peace. Another obsession I have is having images in my head about touching dirty things like the rust in my bathroom. A compulsions I have regarding that is imagining myself being anywhere BUT the bathroom but it doesn't stop. Now that I know, I'll try and find a way to heal, and figure it out with myself and God (because I can't rely on my parents, they're not the open-minded kind regarding mental health)

Last year, I started to get HOCD, and I didn’t know what was going on. And then a couple weeks later, my Auntie died from cancer. I couldn’t be there for her, because my mind was wrapped compulsions. And a couple of months later, I started to get Religious OCD. And I’ve been trying to do proper treatment for my OCD recovery with an other app, and 3 weeks later. I discovered that my grandmother had cancer. And yesterday, I found out that history repeat itself, because she died the following year of my Auntie’s death. First my Auntie, and now my Grandma. Why I do have OCD at times like this? Why do they have to die? Why couldn’t I be there for them? Who else is going to be next? I never wanted my Auntie or Grandmother to gone, and I never wanted OCD to get in the way. Now I really need to seek professional help with license therapists here, but I don’t know how much it’s going to cost. I know that it’s going to be expensive per session, but I do really need help.