I think I’m starting to realize that I didn’t handle my grandpa’s death right. He died back in March and it was obviously very traumatic for all of us. We weren’t even with him when he died since he lived in Ecuador and we are in the US. The last time I saw him was in September 2019. I remember when we left us at the airport he was the first first one to start crying that we were leaving. He was such a sweet and tender man. His death also greatly affected my OCD in that it solidified and intensified my existential OCD. Anyways we’re going back to Ecuador next month to spend Christmas with that side of the family and it’s going to be the first time with him not around. He also died in the house we’ll be staying at so I’m already feeling that it’s going to be a very emotional trip to step into that house and be there with him not there. It’s just making me realize I didn’t process his loss right or hid the pain away or something. I didn’t think it would bother me so much now but its hitting some raw and painful emotions tonight, like I want to cry. I saw that my church was offering a grief counseling seminar this Saturday and I was interested in going, maybe it could help. I don’t know if I’m being overalls dramatic or not but it’s hitting me. Just wanted to share and maybe someone has words of advice. Thanks

Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well! I lost my dad yesterday and me having ocd since I was 7, it just skyrocketed. Yesterday it was difficult for sure, but I didn’t have any intrusive thoughts about self harm. It all happened suddenly when I was half asleep (trying to sleep even though it was really hard), were I feel as if a switch turned on in my brain and out of nowhere I started feeling angry. I recognised at that moment that I was not angry but that’s what my brain was telling me. And that’s when I had an intrusive thought of harming my mom came to my mind and immediately after that came the thought of harming myself. And it stuck. I know grief can make these themes pop up, but what if this is all real and not ocd? I’m scared. I acknowledge I don’t have thoughts in my head of planning to harm myself, it’s just a feeling that this is going to happen. Now letting my thoughts out brings me relief, even sometimes this intrusive thoughts bring me relief (that is very scary), but ocd makes me so pessimistic, and that I’m doomed in life and the sad life my dad had will also be mine as well. There are moments where I feel hope and relief, but it doesn’t last for long. As if I’m so so sure that this is going to happen. And me having magical thinking ocd doesn’t help either. Grief is hard, sometimes I cry, other times I laugh with my friends and family, but those moments I laugh is when I get terrified ( I read people who have made up the decision to (you know) are happy and laugh. Anyways, I’ve talked to my mom about it, she’s super supportive of me restarting therapy and even though she’s struggling with grief, she’s always there to listen to me and give me all the comfort I need. But I informed her about the thoughts the moment the popped up. Just so that she knows and can save me because I don’t trust myself at all. Sorry for this huge rumble, but I’d really appreciate your advice. I’m scared and so not ready to start therapy (at one hand I don’t want to, it feels such a chore, but I know I need to get help). I’m very pessimistic at the moment and I feel no one can convince me that I’ll get better. I think my future life, and it brings me this warm nice feeling and then it is followed by the thought that this will never happen. And because I have magical thinking ocd, and my uni exams have just started, I had this feeling that this exam season will be endless and it’s never going to end. Guess what, I’m probably going to just take one exam out of three (my mind is like you see, this thought and feeling came true) and that’s where I get super pessimistic. Okay, I’ll shut up for now, please give me some advice on how you try to manage your thoughts and what to do for now. Take care ❤️

I had to say goodbye to my beagle early this morning and I’m severely struggling to cope with this as he helped me through some of my worst ocd flare up’s and it feels like I’m grieving him and the support I had for times like these. I’m at a loss. Looking for advice/coping? It feels so dramatic to be this sad and I haven’t stopped crying all day. This pain is unreal😔

It’s been a minute since I have been on here. I did get NOOCD therapist session a while back to verify if I really had OCD. I was told it sounded like I had “just right” OCD. Of course, temporary relief only with that confirmation which are two professional takes on my situation. You think that would be enough for my brain. If I detect even the slightest doubt in someone’s voice on my ADHD/OCD diagnosis then It messes with me. I lost my Dad last month. I was taking care of him the best I could but I replay events. HOWEVER, I am on Adderall and when it quiets my default brain network I handle life without crying. I think about what I am doing but as it wears off then I am back to thinking about everything I don’t want to think about. Adderall for me confuses me if it’s right. Especially, when so much of my life is still a disorganized mess. I think it’s making me kinda detached from people. I don’t know that I feel things the way I should be that’s healthy. What breaks through the Adderall in my mind is I default to questioning my diagnosis again. I use to not believe I had ADHD, then didn’t believe I had OCD. I fully accepted ADHD but now I am questioning if it’s actually all OCD after all and being medicated completely wrong. I notice this has gotten worse, plus I am doing this gathering of things. People gave me or I found a great deal on. All with the intention of listing on eBay YET nothings organized and when I sit down to list then nothing happens. I can’t get things in my environment or mind just right to list. I get hung up on photos not being good enough plus everything else with double checking my entries being right. Then I don’t list because I doubt it’s good enough. I had this problem before my Dad passed away but everything’s off the charts right now I guess. My mother called me a hoarder. I have accumulated things faster than my abilities to organize and sell them has occurred but at least it’s all in a shop and not my house. She’s always been the worst for my self esteem. I guess I am mainly just venting here. I am sure OCD would flare up worse after loss of a parent. I just feel like the wheels have come off and don’t know how to gain control.