After I started doing ERP-excersises and trying to prevent doing compulsions all day long it feels like Im worse. I realise it feels that way beacuse I am more attentive to it all. While before I just didnt have or do anything in my life so the anxiety would shut up a little. And I was so deep in conpulsing I didnt really notice 6 hours passing. It was more annoyance and apathy that my llfe was empty. Now its just terror all the time. Everything is going off. But still I have done things I havent done in years! I have done things I never thought Id do. Small things, but still. But now at 2.22 am lying in bed not being able to sleep because my friends hate me, Im worried Im gonna kill myself by accident, Im should die if I dont get an A, maybe I shouldnt be with my boyfriend, and what if Im not even real!? Well then it just feels like maybe standing up to OCD isnt so smart. I wanna cry. But I dont know how. Havent been able to cry for a long time. Im scared and worried and I dont think I can do it anymore. I need to check! Need to confess! Need to figure out everything. Im so so tired.

Thank you for the advice. I mean I still do compulsions. But I have it in my mind all day that I should try not to. So its not on purpose to do to much. But it is too much. But at the same time it might just be tthe compulsions telling me. The anxiety do have a tendency to rise when we start ERP. And then it is kind of an obsession that I cant handle it. I mean that is what OCD would say. So the urge to kill myself is strong. But its just like any other ocd-thought. Its like my life is so narrow because of ocd so its not even like i did that much. Its just that i havent made dinner in a long time. And stuff like that. I didnt mean to make it sound like i have done so much. Im sorry Im rambling. Thankfully I have an appointment in 12 hours. Im just wondering so hard if calling the crisishotline is securityseeking. I mean i cant die from lying here obsessing about it. Ocd is ridiculous.

@asdfghj I know OCD sucks man:/ But hey at least you can recognize these are OCD thoughts, that is already a very positive thing. Glad you have professional help with you , I’m with my OCD therapist since last year and it’s been a ride )) I’m still very anxious but at least I have a better idea of my feelings

@lucas?? Yeah! And realising they are ocd-thoughts, (even though the doubt ofc is strong) is such a big step in the right direction. Earlier Id just think I had to along. Its defo a ride. We'll hang in there and do this!

@asdfghj I often feel like I'm caught up in doing compulsions and then feeling guilty for doing them and then feeling bad about myself when I do them. Its important to remember that you are not your ocd. If you are having a hard time it means that your ocd brain is just being kind of a fart. Its not your fault and its okay if you cant keep yourself from doing compulsions sometimes. You gotta give yourself some slack. You are trying and thats what counts and tomorrow you can have a fresh start. You arent a bad person if you do things that you wish you werent doing. At least thats what my therapist keeps telling me. Besr of luck! You got this! One step at a time we can do this