Anytime I am around black people the n-word keeps repeating itself in my head over and over. It’s so overbearing, it’s exhausting and the most insane part is that I’m a brown dude and I’m proud of it. It’s like I’ve got some internalized racism and I don’t know how to contend with it. I wish my inner voice were a better man.

I can be way too hard on myself and beat myself up over the smallest slip up in regards to OCD. Sometimes it can feel like I'm gaslighting myself on what was "so blatantly and obviously a moral atrocity in thought and intent", when 95% of the time I'm not even sure what my own intent with dealing with these thoughts is or why I do what I do. It makes me feel like some shameless beast for "daring to even entertain the thought of something so VILE!!!" When I just get so confused and scared on moral issues, like my mind is pulled down a rabbit hole I can't escape until the tricks are done on me and it's too late, i've accepted such ideas I hate until that hate and trying to not give in convince me "it might not be that bad". It feels like anything, even the most mundane things can trigger this. This cycle happens mainly because I feel like there's "no way to escape committing more 'attrocities' in thought or compulsion anyway"...and these cycles become the basis for more of these incidents. there a way to stop this? There have been multiple times where I called myself the R word, and even knowing it's a slur I still called myself that because "I'm nothing if not deserving of such scorn". Any attempt to stop the madness makes it worse and it's like all this I talked about is so convincing I dare not question it until after the fact. Please help.

I got obsessed again in researching crime and its relation to race and socioeconomic conditions. While looking up a bunch of opinions and statistics I came across one opinion in a subreddit for black men saying that crime is a good thing and seemed to encourage it because there’s no other way to get by. Not every black person would resort to crime obviously but the comment seemed to be supported by a lot of other people. I got a thought saying “this is why black people get a bad rep” and I immediately questioned my thinking. I really started thinking about the ethics of crime in general and how it may be acceptable in certain situations. Still I feel like crime should be avoided when it can, not encouraged. I feel terrible for having this thought and even more terrible that I agree with it if that makes sense. I feel like I’m being racist by having this perspective. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed an opinion on this because I’ve never faced these conditions before, but I’m trying really hard to understand.

I honestly don’t try to be up here a lot because it’s become a compulsion of mine. But I wanted to come up here because honestly I’m just so tired. I’ve seen so many disheartening comments about the color of my skin on TikTok like almost in every comment section regarding black people doing a crime. It’s to the point my people have started doing the same thing because of so many comments we get about our skin color on the daily. It’s to the point so many creators are getting exposed for being racist like just the other day Joey was caught being racist I honestly liked his content. Even other races don’t like us and of course there’s the trump supporters I really can’t be friends with people like that honestly and truly because they voted against my rights. But it’s to the point I have to think in the back of my head everytime I want to defend a white person or show support or even friend one it’s like I have to think do they even like you ? It brings me genuine tears that I have to think like this and I can’t be that little girl anymore that would be friends with everyone even then my white friends would tell me about their parents not wanting them to date black people but I was a kid so I wasn’t even listening Frl it’s all just sad man maybe in the next life it all won’t be so complicated.