Anytime I am around black people the n-word keeps repeating itself in my head over and over. It’s so overbearing, it’s exhausting and the most insane part is that I’m a brown dude and I’m proud of it. It’s like I’ve got some internalized racism and I don’t know how to contend with it. I wish my inner voice were a better man.

kortliz

Date posted: 5y

It’s not you or anything to do with who you are. Your mind knows that that’s important to you and your OCD is using it to get to you. It isn’t you it’s your OCD.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Yeah I appreciate you saying that. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate my mind from myself

alissaa

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5y

This happens to me too. It’s because racism is so opposite of who I am, so my OCD attacks it. Since the thought of it is distressing, it continues to pop up. It doesn’t mean you have internalized racism. OCD is egodystonic. Thoughts are just randomness that your brain produces. YOU are the one who gets to decide which thoughts align with your values. Practice acceptance around having the word pop up in your head. Acceptance does not mean we like it or want it to be there, but that we are no longer fighting against it and trying to prove that it isn’t how we really feel. Over time, the less attention you pay to it the less your brain will send you the thought

alissaa

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5y

The underlying fear here, I’m assuming, is that you’re a bad, racist person. Another way to approach this from an ERP standpoint would be to write a script talking about how you are racist, how that would make you feel, how it would affect your relationships with others, etc. Really dive deep into the root of the fear. Reread the script a few times a day, and sit with the anxiety that it produces without reassuring youself that you’re not racist. You’ve got this :) and not to give you reassurance- but I’m certain you’re not racist. If you were, you wouldn’t question the thoughts or find them distressing. Hope this helps!

Taxandria

Date posted: 5y

I think everyone is a tiny bit racist because it's human nature to look for ourselves in everything and everyone. It's part of a survival mechanism. If you group with people who look like you do or act or think etc like you do, there's a better chance of protection and survival. I don't think we need to condemn this aspect. It sounds like you're very aware and your conscience and will know who you are and what you want. The rest of the thoughts are clutter. You don't have any bad racism inside you. You are taking things from the environment and media etc. and your mind is making stew with it all. It spits out ideas and words here and there. They mean nothing. It's not who you really are. You have proven who you are simply by saying that the thought is not one you agree with. It's your brain messing with you. Let it pass like a leaf on a river. It will soon stop when it realizes it has no power over you.

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