Anytime I am around black people the n-word keeps repeating itself in my head over and over. It’s so overbearing, it’s exhausting and the most insane part is that I’m a brown dude and I’m proud of it. It’s like I’ve got some internalized racism and I don’t know how to contend with it. I wish my inner voice were a better man.

Everyday I wake up, all my mind makes me think of is the stuff I’ve done in the past, like all day I’m in a constant cycle of judging who I used to be and it hurts so so much. I wish I never thought to do those things, I wish I had been more mature than how I was before, it’s really lowering my self worth and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this miserable before, like last summer was the worst because I was dealing with this shit, I about almost ended my life over it, and I thought it would get better, which it did, but it didn’t last but for a while. As soon as it became 2025 I was going through it again, having constant cycles of “I’m a good person” to “I’m the worst person imaginable” and I’m so sick of it because I just want to feel like the good person l like to imagine myself to be, but I can’t because of shit I did in the past that I obsess over. I’ve cried and screamed so much over it and it seems like it will never leave me.

Today I've let myself go down a huge rabbit hole regarding this phrase and it's stressing me out. Sometimes, yes, it is that deep. But other times, it really isn't. I keep finding myself torn between these two ideals. I've been seeing all these videos regarding the rise of anti-intellectualism and the anti-woke mob, all that. These videos make me extremely worried about cancel culture and moral guilt, and they had me rethinking every morally wrong, gross, questionable thing or thought I ever had. I saw many comments saying that yes everything is that deep and it feels like my mind is on constant security and asking myself "what would the internet think about the things I've thought of or may have done?" On one hand, I feel like if I say "it's not that deep", I feel like a hypocrite or a bad person or an idiot. But on the other hand if I say "it is that deep", my OCD begins to spiral and analyze everything about myself. It's not healthy to overanalyze everything but it's also not healthy to ignore bad things. It's very stressful Does anyone relate to this?

I’m so stressed, my mind is always telling me to recheck my messages that I sent because what if I said something racist, inappropriate or mean to the person I was messaging. Or what if I post something inappropriate or rude, the only way I can somewhat cope is by logging out of my socials every night. But even that is a long progress. Like I have to make sure to read every message I sent and that it’s safe for me to leave it for the night. And if it doesn’t feel right I have to log back in over and over until it looks and feels good to me. I’m so exhausted lol:,)