Do you guys ever get false emotions? Like resentment, for example? Or blame? I feel guilty all the time, but lately I’ve been feeling resentment toward my family and it’s way worse than any guilt. It makes me feel like I’m alone and I can’t trust anyone and any comfort my family tries to give to me is tainted by these feelings.

My obsession centers around my relationship with my family. It started with politics and thinking they might be bad people, then once we discussed why they voted a certain way/why they’ve voted a certain way in the past and I felt a little better about it the thoughts shifted to toxicity like being afraid that my mother was a toxic parent, then it shifted back to politics again and the shift back to politics got really bad this time because I’m laser focused on one issue that I feel immensely guilty about if I don’t address it 100%. Then once I feel that immense guilt, I feel like I’m not allowed to experience any relief or joy which leads me to such complete despair that I start feeling resentment toward my family and I start thinking they’re responsible for this guilt I feel and yet, I still love them so much that I start feeling totally hopeless and alone and I want the pain to stop so that makes me think there’s no way out but suicide which THEN makes me feel guilty again because they’re doing their best and they love me so much and leaving would cause them pain beyond imagination. Then the resentment starts again with thoughts like “but what if they deserve it” “this is their fault” etc. Which makes me accept the hopelessness and thinking I have to die to stop it, but then I feel sad again and I wish for the anxiety and the fear to come back. And yes, it’s usually when they’re being kind and loving and expressing any joy. I’m sorry I know that’s a whole lot, I was just trying to explain the cycle. I don’t know how to treat the ocd when I feel so depressed and suicidal. Cause it interferes.

@MegB Wait... hang on this seems really similar to what I was growing through before my current theme hit. Does it also make you feel like you have to move out as soon as possible otherwise you’re never going to be happy? Because I used to long for my own place but it was never fuelled by these kind of thoughts until quarantine hit.

@MegB The thing about ocd is that the problem is always our ocd. It’s not the thing that’s triggering us. It’s our obsession. And without the obsession, those things wouldn’t be triggering at all. It’s okay to be mad and frustrated and resentful sometimes. But you should direct it at the true culprit: your ocd. I’m sure your family has flaws. All families do. But those flaws aren’t what’s causing your suffering. And if they were different, your ocd would simply latch onto other things about them. You should challenge yourself to do some erp with your family. Talk to them about something triggering on purpose and just listen and do nothing to try to figure out or reassure yourself that they’re good people. Lean into uncertainty and respond to intrusive thoughts with “maybe they’re bad. But maybe not. I don’t know with 100% certainty and I don’t need to know with any more certainty than I have in this moment.” And choose not to do any other compulsions.

@aurokoi Not exactly. Because I don’t want to leave. Well, I want to be able to move out and live on my own eventually, but the main obsession is the fear that I’m going to cut ties with them and never see them again. That I’m never going to get over certain things even though when you look at the big picture, I should be able to.

@pureolife That’s definitely a good idea for an exposure, cause usually we talk things out (me seeking reassurance) and I’m usually looking for the answers I want to make me feel better and I’m doing compulsions the whole time. As for the resentment, it’s not on purpose. I don’t want to blame them for anything. It’s just a feeling I get like my mind puts up these walls and then I feel uneasy and resentful. I truly hate it.