I don’t know how to battle this. I don’t feel like I’m having “intrusive thoughts” like everyone else. I definitely have normal intrusive thoughts like with harm ocd and sexually intrusive thoughts, but with what I’m struggling with right now, it feels like I’m just always thinking about this stuff and it’s always there and when I’m “triggered” (which is by almost everything), I don’t have an intrusive thought I just get a bad feeling and then that leads me to look for the fears. I don’t know how to stop compulsions when I can’t identify an intrusive thought. Cause it’s like I just keep it there all the time and when I become aware of the absence of anxiety, I feel uneasy so I think I have to bring it back. And I’m always afraid I don’t have compulsions. I’m always afraid this isn’t OCD. My biggest obsession is that I don’t have OCD and if I don’t have OCD and I don’t have compulsions and I don’t feel anxious, then I am in denial and what I fear is going to come true. There is evidence that it’s just me. That I really do want it or even if I don’t want it, I’m just denying it because I’m afraid even though I have to do it. I hate when things say “your ocd isn’t aligned with your morals” or something like that. Cause I don’t know how to interpret that when it comes to what I’m afraid of. My primary doctor asked me “when you think of these things, do you think it’s rational or irrational?” and I want it to be completely irrational, but I know there’s a lot of people who would say it’s rational. I remember the first time the fear became real to me, it was a combination of two different fears and the one fear was probably an intrusive thought and maybe that’s what set everything off. But I got over that fear because the other fear seemed more realistic and plausible. But I can’t remember if that was an intrusive thought??? I know I’d been angry before and when my mom had asked me “what are you going to disown us?” and I had shouted back “maybe I will!”, but I didn’t mean it. Or maybe I did. I don’t know. Maybe I did mean it. My mind is always thinking of reasons why this is going to happen or why I have to do it and some of these reasons seem rational or valid idk anymore. I just don’t know how to fight this when I can’t tell what’s a compulsion or if I’m even doing compulsions. I can’t tell when an intrusive thought is intrusive or it’s just me bringing it up. I can’t tell anything anymore because it doesn’t feel like I’m having intrusive thoughts or that I even have OCD. I feel so alone cause no one’s thoughts are like this. I feel so alone cause no one really knows what’s going on in my head and how do I stop compulsions if everything and nothing feels like a compulsion?