I cut my “best friend” off of 11 years this week. I have given her chance after chance to get better and she continued to treat me like shit. So I feel free from that, however my other best friend of 11 years stopped being friends with both me and the toxic friend just because I was still friends with her. I’m 20 and go to a community college and it’s been very hard for me to make friends even before the pandemic. I haven’t had any other friends outside them since hs and my hs friends honestly weren’t great to me either (we distanced, all of us) and of course I’ve looked at myself and considered myself to be the problem and blamed myself but even my therapist doesn’t think that’s true... but anyways. I’m here. Lonely af. Officially no friends. And the sad thing is I don’t know when I will have any. It could be months or years from now and I’m so focused on school... I have no idea if I will ever be happy with someone (like a vest or close friend) or even be in a relationship. Anyways this is what I’m going through and I’m feeling very alone

I went online today playing a social game & couldn’t rlly talk to anyone. there was this one girl that started talking but then my wifi started acting up. it’s rlly hard to talk to ppl online bc it’s tiring having to put up with rude ass people. yeah, I can do in person but I also struggle with that too. the online friends I have don’t rlly talk much and I guess it makes sense bc everyone is busy with life but man. I’ve been feeling quite lonely as of late and idk how much I can hold on. it’s like I’m losing touch with the online ones. I don’t have any irl since 17 & I am tired. idk man I just wanna disappear and spawn in another world or jus be happy. I think I might quit my job and pursue a design job at home depot thru networking bc that’s a plan B I have. that’s if I can even land the job. I think I might take a break from college bc idek what I want atp. I feel like I’m slowly dying inside from this loneliness. I am trying everyday. this feeling is soooo ass

This isn't OCD related at all, not even a little, and I'm really sorry, but I feel so panicked and overwhelmed right now and I need an outlet. So basically, I have this friend and we met online shortly after Christmas, not irl. We got on really well. I felt like I could tell them anything. Whenever I felt sad (which was quite often) they would help so much by just being there for me. Sending cute and reassuring tiktoks to me. I felt like they were the nicest ever. I told them stuff other people might judge me for. They never judged me and they never seemed judgemental. I started noticing some things, like their reposts on Tiktok. I noticed years ago they reposted something very anti LGBTQ+. It hurt, I couldn't understand it. I asked them about it, and they didn't exactly seem like they did hate LGBTQ+ people. I moved on, still unsure. I found recently they reposted something else. I wasn't sure whether this was super offensive, but the tone of the original post FELT offensive. I have a strong moral compass, and these things got to me so much because I'm attached to this person. And then today, I find another thing they reposted, this time about immigration. It had a strong racist tone. I know now that I need to cut them off. I don't want people like that in my life. It's one thing having different views, but I firmly stand by the idea that you should agree with those around you about things like this. But I'm so distressed. I feel so attached to them. None of this seems like them at all. They seem like such a kind, non judgemental person. I would sit waiting for their text. I would feel so happy to hear from them. We text non stop. We have loads in common. They never judged me. I thought I finally found someone who actually wanted to be my friend, who actually liked me. I'm going to feel empty and numb, and I'm trying not to cry while writing this. Who will I have? Nobody to expect a text from. Nobody to ask about my day. Nobody to send me cute pictures to cheer me up. I actually feel like I'll never get past this. I feel so lonely all the time and they were there for me when no one else was. I feel so numb and I'm terrified. Sorry again that this isn't OCD related. I just didn't know what to do.

This past week I realized I have not friends. It makes me feel lonely. I’ve been homeschooled my whole life, so my only social life would be work or church. I don’t have a job right now due to medical reasons. But I feel like such a fucking loser right now. The voices of my family and myself are making me feel horrible. “You couldn’t even kill yourself right.” Is what my brother said. He told me I need to grow up and realize that nobody gives a fuck. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Am I really just a sensitive piece of shit? Am I just being dramatic? I feel so lost right now. I can’t stop comparing myself to others who seem to be doing so well. It’s not like I haven’t been searching for a job. They’ve all turned me down. I’ve gotten help and I know my resume is great. Maybe my dad is right that it’s really just how I am. People are hired because of the way they are. I am not outgoing or friendly or approachable and it makes me hate myself so much. I know I can’t kill myself. I can’t put that financial and emotional burden on my family. I’m already enough of a burden as it is. I know that I’m “never a burden,” but the truth is I am. My mom even admitted that I was the most burden of a child and it makes me feel so guilty. I wish they didn’t love me. It’s so selfish and horrible to say that. I know there’s someone out there who deserves my life and family more than I do. I deserve punishment and failure. But I want an answer. It’s impossible to know the future. Am I right? Am I really destined for failure? If only I got that answer I’d be relieved. It’s not the ideal answer, but it’s still an answer. I don’t have to try anymore. It’s fucking tiring. I know I’m not alone. I just don’t know anymore. Maybe I need to realize that this is real life and life’s not fair.