NSFW Scared it’s not ocd because it started when I was 12 initially and wondered why I was turned on by like the porn my dad had and female porn but I was boy crazy and had a boyfriend. That freaked me out and then I started obsessing about liking girls. It went away and came back when I had my first serious boyfriend who I was crazy about. Then I was scared we couldn’t be together bc I was gay. It just feels so real every day. And now I can’t stop wondering if I’m turned on by girls from my school and it’s disgusting me because I feel afraid I am - not that being gay is disgusting it’s just these intense thoughts

I’ve liked danced on girls and kissed my friends as a joke but no I don’t really feel anything. And even girls I was friends with it didn’t feel like that

@wellwellwell I genuinely just want to stay with my husband and have good sex with him but my anxiety is crippling and it’s so hard to do this

@wellwellwell This just makes me doubt I even like men

@wellwellwell If you enjoy sex with your husband then i think you like men, but there's a possibility you're asexual if you don't feel any sexual enjoyment. There's a lot of sexualities but if you are happy with your husband then i think it's all the ocd making you feel this way and not you actually feeling unhappy with either gender. Try to separate you from your ocd, you are still you with or without the ocd. The ocd is just extra, but you know what you like in every other aspect of your life. Your favorite color, favorite movie, favorite item of clothing or shoes. You know your likes and dislikes, but your ocd is making you doubt this specific one. What did you like before you noticed your ocd? Don't let go of the person you used to be, just adapt to a version of that person who now has ocd. I know you can do it, it will be hard though and it could be hard for a long time, but there's people who can help you get through it, especially professionals!

@earthtoshyann I don’t enjoy sex but I’ve had severe HOCD since we got together so I’m never relaxed or able to enjoy it

@wellwellwell And I’m not turned on by shirtless boys so this all sucks. I can’t relax with him and I’m not turned on just by seeing him naked so I feel like crying

@wellwellwell I just don’t know if this is conclusive proof I don’t like men when I desperately want to

If I liked girls I probably would’ve felt something for someone but what if I just have been hiding it. I would think sexy dances on girls would make me feel something but it didn’t nor did seeing my friends in swimsuits or changing

have you suffered with hocd?

@wellwellwell @earthtoshyann thank you for talking to me. I appreciate your advice and sorry if I keep adding things on I just get so afraid sometimes that people on here are judging me or truly think I’m gay

have you suffered from hocd?

@wellwellwell Sorry I replied so late, but i promise it's just your ocd, if you actually watched a girl change you would have felt something if you were attracted to girls. It's not something you can effectively hide, especially from yourself. So i promise it's just the ocd making it seem that way.

@earthtoshyann Lol I know and now my ocd is like maybe you did??? Hahah that is the crux of this illness, there’s always something else. What’s your theme?

Oh gosh that’s got to rough right now. I’ve had ocd since I was 7, so I feel your pain. It’s a long haul

@wellwellwell Yeah it's extra difficult right now, this pandemic has made touching anything at all hard now, before it was mainly just the normal stuff but now it's everything

@earthtoshyann I hope you’re able to stay strong and make it out okay! I believe in you!!

Yeah, but again, we all have different stories and I’m not saying that I think this means something I’m just saying it worries me because ocd likes to worry. I also put a trigger warning!! Sorry to trigger but remember that it’s an arbitrary thing. Being 12 really means nothing. Being fascinated by my dad’s porn as a kid really means nothing. It’s ocd.

@wellwellwell Also please keep in mind I’m just looking for help with my ocd, not posting to trigger anyone, so I put the trigger warning

@wellwellwell you’re right, i’m sorry. I was just saying I understand your panic. For me, it starting at 12 is very worrisome.

@missbluesky Sorry I totally misunderstood! I just don’t want anyone to feel worse so please don’t apologize to me. I know how much this sucks. You’re doing amazing!