I wanna post about how I feel but then I feel sad and guilty that no one responds.

@tired I might consider adding you later on. Lately it's been having to do with bad things I saw online: OCD and my anxiety took away an activity that I found tolerable and acceptable years ago, and that activity was masturbating. All of us humans do it and it's not a bad thing. Humans and animals do it as a way to learn with what helps with our living bodies. Idk if it's PTSD or OCD but I do know that it's something I didn't want to see. Like pretty much all of us who has used the internet we've seen things we did not want to see in the heat of the moment and that includes me. Throughout most of my sessions I accessed safe sites to use to spend my time doing what I wanted to do. But there were a few times where I felt I came across something too disturbing/illegal on those safe sites or pretty much regular videos on YouTube of minors that were sexualized by people in the comments or the uploader themselves when at that time I only intended to watch 18 year old girls there. I feel horrible that I didn't report any of the videos but I did report what was genuine CP on Instagram that happened a few nights ago. These incidents made me no longer want to enjoy the activity even after I decided to quit pornography for my long term livelihood. I just got so sick of the risk of running into something way too inappropriate. For a while I sat with the fear of having all of this blamed on me when I didn't want to see it and definitely didn't keep it to myself. I've been seeking reassurance and certainty for so long and it makes my head hurt sometimes

@tired OCD sure is twisting a lot of things about it and I know I didn't want to see it. I almost broke down witnessing what I did and I hated it. I just don't want to be put on a crazy list because of it. Occasionally I use softcore porn which I guarantee has attractive women in it which I love, but now OCD is trying to ruin how I see children when I know I'm not attracted to them. I never will be. Maybe you're right when you say it's happened to other people. I remember during the first accident there were comments that has very angry people talking about how messed up the video was. Even though it might have been fake and was on a legal site, I agree with their anger. OCD basically twists every single thing I try to say, do, or avoid from the topic. But thank you.. seriously thank you for being here with me tonight, understanding what it's like, and knowing how the OCD works. I also hear that a lot of people on here that use TikTok get triggered by posts that they see and can't help but see. I'm sorry it happened to you too. I'm bookmarking this. Also I've seen that viewing it by accident or a couple times isn't as bad as someone hoarding that kind of sick stuff. It's awful. I hope I never run into it ever again. But most of all, I wish to forget it completely.

@tired You're absolutely right. Evil people wouldn't worry about it. In fact they would continue to do what they do in which they know is flat out bad. There are some things that have good in them but evil people don't focus on the good. Only themselves and what makes them feel better. Kind of a selfish manner. I also talked with a friend about seeing fucked up shit on the internet and they have and didn't want to see. At a point you get desensitized by most things but it's still fucked up nonetheless. Even on sites I thought I trusted I could find potentially horrible content. Probably off screen content we don't even know we came across! And just as I come to such a conclusion, OCD will demand more, want more, and feed much more than what I can handle. So this will be the last time I ever compulsively bring it up to myself. Thank you so much for this! You're such a fantastic person. Thanks for being here for me. Thanks for everything honestly.

@tired Man, the best thing about getting help is having a support group that knows EXACTLY how you feel. Like, 100%. I feel an entire mood change for tonight. It feels amazing. I feel like I can relate to others more. I even asked family members if they ever seen screwed up things online and they've came across it. I even remember a time my own mother has. We all come across things we don't want to see at any given time. Whether we're working, browsing through videos, trying to find something pleasuring, a news video (which unfortunately LiveLeaks is a thing) etc! I even heard that my favorite streamer of mine got a donation through the screen and it unfortunately played a gif of a woman doing something inappropriate with a horse. It just happens! You have a great night too!!

I hope it's not making you feel forced