My therapist told me she didn't want me to do a certain exposure task I asked her if I should do. However, I forgot to ask her if she wanted to me "test it out" instead. Now, I'm worrying that even though she didn't want me to do it for exposure, what if she wanted me to "test it out".

For a couple days I was doing okay. I accepted that my therapist probably just wanted me to drop the rope and move on, but then this new detail popped in. I feel like everything is caving in, like layers folding in on layers. I think I'm going insane and I'm really scared. Thank you for the contact info. I appreciate it

So you're saying "test it out" would mean exposure?

@OCD1994 I'm looking at it as like a test out rather than an exposure

@OCD1994 Like testing out would differ from exposure.

@OCD1994 What is testing it out? What would you do differently than doing an ERP exposure?

@OCD1994 Just giving it a different name or?

@Scoggy I've heard that testing out your reaction, like to see if a picture or something bothers you, can be a compulsion.

@OCD1994 But maybe if you weren't testing your reaction but instead testing doing something that'd make you anxious, it could be an exposure.

@OCD1994 Sure, that can be a checking compulsion. I don't think there's any value to doing something which makes you anxious unless you're going to do response prevention about it, though. Like, either you're going to do compulsions because of it, and that actually makes OCD worse by reinforcing the link between the trigger and compulsions, or you don't do compulsions, and that IS response prevention. Which you say she told you not to do- probably because she doesn't think you can successfully do response prevention right now. There's no way she was suggesting you do an exposure without doing response prevention, as that makes OCD worse.

@Scoggy Wait, what are you saying she didn't tell me to do? She said she didn't want me to an exposure because it was over the top, but I think she still wants me to resist compulsions the best I can. Sorry if I made that confusing. But yeah, I agree, there's no point in doing exposure unless you're also going to do response prevention.

@OCD1994 Yeah, if she didn't want you to do an exposure and response prevention, then she definitely didn't mean you should do the exposure and then not do response prevention either, as doing that makes it worse. You weren't able to tell me how this idea of "testing it out" is different to ERP and I'm not clear on what you mean by it. I don't think you're clear on what you mean by it either. What would that look like?

@Scoggy Well, I guess when my therapist said she didn't want me to lather my TV in soap for an exposure, I accepted this. But now I'm worrying if she'd want me to "test it out" as an exercise of some sort. Maybe I'm stuck in semantics, because reading now they do seem like the same thing.

@OCD1994 Yeah I'm struggling to see any kind of difference. "Testing it out" = doing it. At that point, you either do compulsions, which makes OCD worse, or you do response prevention. Seeing as she specifically told you she doesn't want you to do response prevention using that exposure, and doing it without preventing compulsions makes OCD worse, it seems extremely unlikely that she intended you to do the behaviour.

@Scoggy Yeah, she told me she wouldn't want me to smear soap across my TV as an exposure, so I take it she'd never want me to do it all.

@OCD1994 Also I'm sorry I've forgotten a bit but are you the guy with OCD about the idea that you need to do all sorts of weird and uncomfortable or inconvenient things which pop into your head in order to be treating OCD correctly, because you feel like finding those things weird and uncomfortable or inconvenient is a sign that there's a problem and you need to make yourself not dislike the idea? I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling but also great that you're going at it with a therapist. Your particular OCD has always seemed to me like it's mostly pure O and that the best strategy is to both behave normally and resist the urges to compulsive delve into analysis about whether you should be doing these 'exposures' and about whether you're doing the right thing. It's a tricky one, as what may kinda seem on the surface like it would be an exposure is actually something you feel compelled to do in order to act 'correctly' and get better, i.e. they're actually compulsions. It's quite meta. I really think that for you the best exposure is to behave normally and think about normal things. It seems like you're doing mental compulsions here by trying to analyse whether you understood correctly that she doesn't want you to lather your TV in soap, in case you're making a mistake. I'd say don't do it, spend as little time as possible wondering about it, and wait until your next scheduled appointment to give in to the urge to get that clarification-reassurance that you're doing the right thing (or not at all if possible!).

@Scoggy Yes, that was me. It's really tricky because I may have the initial thought like "You've smeared soap all over your TV", but then it goes over to "okay,now what do we do about this therapy wise?"

@Scoggy I agree with you. I think the answer is to do nothing and keep on living, but this theme has been the hardest to overcome.

@OCD1994 Given the fact that acting normally is usually a good exposure just in itself for OCD, I think it will be good enough to successfully treat yours without having to go into that concern about doing the right thing which then can spiral into rumination. I was personally able to recover from a bestiality theme by acting normal and not allowing myself the compulsions of ruminating/remembering/imagining which were keeping the theme going. It was before I knew I had OCD, I never did 'exposures' in the sense of finding ways to expose myself to the discomfort, and I didn't need to due to the fact that the theme was always popping into my head on a daily basis and making me feel so guilty and uncomfortable and making me want to obsess about it. I think response prevention is by far the most important part of treatment, rather than exposure. After all like you said we want to be able to live our lives normally. So acting normally and then refusing to obsess about whatever comes into our head that wants our attention (e.g. "what if you're into bestiality" or "you could rub soap on the TV as an exposure" or "what if I'm not treating my OCD correctly"), should lead us to being much better at acting normal and doing normal things and thinking about normal things-- and that's the goal. But yeah, I can assure you that at least for me I've been able to totally get rid of a theme just by doing what I ought to normally be doing and thinking about what I should normally be thinking about. Treating the whole topic like it's not worth my time or my thinking-time. It was very effective. :)