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we would never kick you off. whether this is ocd or not, you deserve compassion and validation. ive seen many of your posts and comments and i wish i could help, but the only thing you could probably do now is listen to your therapist i suppose. do they think it's ocd? im very sorry to hear that you're going through such hard times. suicidal thoughts are terrible. hang in there
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Thank you. I appreciate your comment. My therapist is kind, but she doesn’t seem to really understand what I’ve been telling her. I’m looking for a regular therapist now in the hopes that they can help me figure it out. Thank you for responding.
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@MegB i hope that goes well for you. you're welcome <3
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Åhh I've felt like that at times, when things are really rough it's comforting in some weird way to wallow in my fantasies about not having to exist. OCD can easily cause depression, no way you would be kicked off for talking about feeling really low, the best I can do is just to say that I've felt like that and a big part of it is chemical- you won't feel like that forever, it's just your perspective at this moment and it will pass and you'll feel neutral and even happy and positive about life again.
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No no I mean this really isn’t ocd. I HAVE ocd, but this particular thing is not that. Which is why I’m so low. Knowing something is ocd doesn’t necessarily make life easier, but pretending the thing was ocd made things more bearable cause it felt like there was a future, there was a plan, etc. Now that I know this particular thing isn’t Ocd, I am completely broken and genuinely have felt whatever inner peace I had before is now gone. I’ve never struggled harder to get through a day than today.
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@MegB Ok so I have to bear in mind here the possibility that it's your OCD and compulsions convincing you that this thing is real and you've lost touch with what's accurate, as that's happened to most of us at some point. But even if it isn't. You have a future. I don't care what the thing is, I don't even care if you've discovered that you're a pedophile or something, there is always a future. Life isn't so black and white that one thing being bad gets to take your future away from you, there is absolutely a grey area to be found here. What sometimes helps me is this thing you can Google called a "life grid", where you grid up your life into all different parts of it, like friends, family, job, money, hobbies/interests, community/giving to others, education, relationship, sex life, etc. You can fill in every part of the grid with where you're at now, and where you'd like to be, including things that you can do/start today. Even if one part of the grid is going wrong, you have all of the others. Very few situations can take multiple of those things away from you. Even if it feels like this thing affects all of them, I'm very confident there are multiple ways in which it doesn't/doesn't have to.
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@Scoggy I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but this isn’t something like I must be a murderer or something like that. It’s a little more complicated than that and it’s definitely not ocd. It’s a very long and weird situation to explain, but I’m trying really hard to stay. I have an appointment with my old talk therapist today and I’ll see if that helps at all. I wish it was ocd, because thinking it might be ocd for awhile is what helped me stay sane. But I know it’s not. There’s just something off in my brain right now. Thank you for your kind response.
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