Ocd is such a crazy disorder. It has so many things that come along with it. False memories, low self esteem, depression, immense amounts of guilt, ticks, and so much more. It’s like constantly fighting a battle with yourself within the 4 walls of your brain. I’m quite literally living in fear and guilt. I’m scared I’ll be like this forever. I want to be happy and normal. Why me? Why us? No one understands how this affects us except for us. I know my friends and family try to be understanding, but they just don’t get it. It’s not as easy as just “chilling out”. I cannot control this bullshit. I am so uncertain about what my future looks like. This life feels fake. It feels like I’m just existing. Covering up the awfulness I feel. Just burying it because I really can’t think my way through it. Ocd has taken so fucking much from me. It’s taken my relationship, my sanity, some of my freedom, some of my personality, my physical body, and so much more. I can’t even do or watch some things now in fear of me being triggered. Progress is happening slowly but I am not patient. I’m sorry this is so long. I just need to rant. This disorder is so fucking hard to handle. I want to live again, but a lot of me is just so fucking tired of fighting. Part of me wants to just give in to the OCD and let it consume me. Just lay in bed all day and be guilt ridden and upset. Because that seems easier than constantly being at war with yourself. I am also just so fucking angry. Why me!!! Why??? I don’t understand. I’m glad my mindset has changed, but is this really what the fuck it would take for me to change? And now that I’m a changed person, can my past fucking STOP haunting me??? My ocd is such a liar. It tells me shit that’s not even true but yet I still believe it. I’m honestly just at the point where I need this shit gone. It’s been entirely too long of just simply existing.