🎄Good morning everyone! If you have Scrupolosity OCD, Moral OCD or Existential OCD I would love to help you! I can share with you my story and testimony. I hope it offers hope!! And to make you feel less alone. I am here to chat and would love to offer any help I can with this daily suffering. I am posting this every day till Christmas. Even if it helps one person it is so worth it! Thank you to everyone so far that has been in contact with me. Its been so great to talk together. 🎄

I'm so sorry it's been tough for you Mary. My story is quite personal so I send it through email. Do you have an email address I can send it to please? I hope it brings you comfort Thank you

@ButterflyStar maryhinchliffe01@gmail.com

I'm so sorry Heather. I totally understand and have been there. Things can change for you and get the help you need 😊!! Have you been diagnosed with OCD? And are you in treatment? I have my story written out and it's quite personal sso I send it via email. Do you have an email address I could send it to? Only if you wish 😊I hope it brings encouragement!! And help to you!

@ButterflyStar Heathermtravis@hotmail.com

@ButterflyStar Yes, I recovered from harm OCD through ERP 5 years ago but because of many stressors in my life, the existential fears caught me off guard and now I am in a infinite loop of OCD thoughts.

@Heather Wow well done for your recovery 5 years ago! I know it seems just as scary and horrible, and it IS, but your recovery is proof that it is able to do it. 😊It might not be anything like your previous recovery but it is great proof. Did you enjoy working with that therapist 5 years ago?

Thank you I will send you my story and look forward to hearing back from you. Its so tough, and you are stronger from battling with this!!

@ButterflyStar Thank you so much for your story, one part that is related to mine is when you started to judge others, my ocd is the exact opposite, I'm not very social and don't go to parties and all that, the obsessive thoughts i have is on that, judgement of others doing such, i hate myself for it and have tried everything to stop the thoughts cause they don't even make sense to me, but that's ocd i guess, the things that seem senseless to you are the things that would break you down the most and would be the hardest episodes, I'll keep on fighting as you are also, we'll definitely get better soon, I'm sure of that.

@Mark Yes I understand. Do you feel bad for your judgements? I feel bad for mine too. But then I read that it's the OCD giving us intrusive thoughts... Even though they feel like our own thoughts. I guess the whole idea is to not give thoughts so much weight.. That they are just thoughts. But this is so hard 😣😖😖 Thank you, yes we keep going, hour by hour

@ButterflyStar I feel extremely bad, i did everything, i got a one day free therapy session with a professional therapist, i narrated my ordeal to her, and the disgust she looked at me with I'll never forget, i thought a therapist would understand, but she helped me in a way though and this is the fact that it was her who let me know what ocd was, i never knew prior to that there was something called ocd... But then if she knew why the disgust i always wondered, i tried to explain time and Time again i hate the thoughts and will do anything to get rid of them, but it was obvious she didn't understand... Since then I've been doing the little i can, like challenge the irrational thoughts to stop it, they haven't gone, but at least those suicidal thoughts i once started to have, have began to reduce and I'm getting more motivation everyday to pick myself up and fight again.

@Mark Wow it seems like you've gone through a really hard time. And yet you are positive and hopefully for your future. I'm so sorry you had a bad experience with a therapist. I had 3 bad experiences with therapists too! I was so desperate for help... Its the worst, like you are already on the ground crawling for your life and someone comes and stands on you. That's what it feels like. I am sure it is very tough, I'm not sure I know what country you live in? Have you thought about engaging in therapy? Obviously with a different therapist. Depending on your country I can send you some helpful resources too😊

@ButterflyStar Unfortunately mental health is still being enlightened in my country, I'm from Africa, Nigeria, the fact that no one talks about it or don't know it an actual illness makes it hard to talk to someone cause you could be seen as someone who is weak and it also makes ir hard to get a therapist in terms of finances, most are expensive, cause we have very few therapist over here , but for now i Don't think i would be able to narrate to anyone for now except under these circumstances of this app, where I'm more or less anonymous, in truth i can't even narrate it to actually depict what i feel everyday, cause the thoughts built in my head and the things i feel, i don't even know how to put in words and narrate for another to understand, in truth i don't think anyone other than myself can understand, I'm starting to come to terms with that, when i even said some of it to the therapist i felt stupid, cause the thoughts don't even make sense for me, and i can't believe I'm being so overwhelmed having high anxiety and panic cause of them. And you're right being already down and feeling bad about my condition, I don't want someone to judge me again, it just makes it worse and makes one want to give up, that's why for now i just love the terms of narrating in somewhat anonymous mode.

@ButterflyStar Really i appreciate that you are even thinking about helping, you may not understand but it means alot to me.

@Mark Oh you are from Nigeria. How far my friend 😊 I understand mental health is not accepted or widely considered in other countries than the west. I am so sorry, but, God made no mistake when He made you and He chose you to be born in Nigeria, not a western country with all the mental health and counselling awareness. This can be very tough, as people in other countries need help just as anyone else. To give you hope, I know someone who lives on the Isle of White (tiny island) where the mental health provision is terrible. So she has had to turn to self help with her ocd, and she is almost recovered!she is so inspiring to me. Unfortunately due to where she lives, she has HAD to self help through the Internet and books. So maybe, I can help you with the Internet side. Nigeria is close to UK time zone, so you could easily join some support groups that hold online support groups. It has been a huge benefit for me. You can join as many as you want! So you could be involved in two or three calls per week. Click here to sign up and see all available groups: https://ocdaction.org.uk/i-need-support/ocd-action-skype-phone-zoom-support-groups/ I attend Tuesday 7pm zoom call for 'General /Pure O' and Thursday 11am 'Pure O'. I have as I have said Scrupolosity and moral ocd, so it doesn't really matter, once we start talking you realise the language of ocd and you benefit from each other regardless what 'topics' or themes your ocd revolves around. Also if you can Google 'OCD Stories podcast' and pick one that stands out to you, that has been helpful for me. YouTube search: IOCDF, and click on the channel - International ocd foundation. They do amazing podcast and videos that are very informative and sharing each others experiences. I can recommend you some books if amazon is available to you? And if it is not available I can try send you some books to Nigeria, depending on how much that would cost for shipping. I truly understand when you say you cannot express the pain and suffering, the thoughts and mental torment. I feel like this too. But through your words, I know what you mean!! You are not alone. God will help you, I don't know if you are a Christian, but it was through the depths of my OCD where I found Christ. He reached down to me in my misery, and helped me. Day by day. Not overnight like a crazy miracle... But real life recovery. Because I am a Christian does not mean I am not a human.. I suffer too.

@ButterflyStar Wow, thank you so much, I'll sign up immediately on the link and search those podcast... As for my religion You may not love to read this, and i hope you don't hate me, but I'm an atheist for now, these are some of the few things i needed to do to cope, cause my mental disorders didn't start with OCD, it started with panic disorder, that was 2yrs ago, and due to the fact i didn't get therapy cause of circumstances, it developed into both panic disorder and ocd which is my condition now, and that's why I'm trying my best now to fight this, the therapist i met who told me about OCD also told me if i didn't start medication or get help, it could develop again and I'll start having schizophrenia, which is a major disorder... Why i had to stop believing in God?, My panic disorder started as a result of me trying to not offend God, each time i committed a sin, i felt as though he wouldn't forgive me, i would be afraid, but after asking for forgiveness i would feel relieved again that he's with me, but a day came when i offended him, felt fear and worry, i asked for forgiveness but never felt relieved, that was the onset of my mental disorders, i begged and begged, i thought he would some day forgive me and all would go away, but it never happened, then i decided to accept my condition and realize it was my fight and no help was Coming from above and that was when i made the decision to not bother myself about a supernatural power anymore, i don't hate God or anything, but that decision really lifted a lot of weight of my shoulder cause i didn't have to try to live up to the rules of a God, and i didn't have to hope for a miracle, hoping only made things worse, but the decision made me more relaxed and follow my own values not because of a God or anything else but because of myself only and that's why for now i can't go back to Christianity. And I really respect the fact you do believe in a God, it's amazing, with all the hurdles you're very positive... I'm sure your help would do alot for me thanks honestly, i was lucky to meet you here.🙂

@Mark Thank you for being so open and honest. Of course I don't hate you for what you have shared. I truly understand, with so much suffering and especially OCD of Scrupolosity our image of God is so contorted. We don't get to enjoy our relationship as others do, because our relationship with God is skewed by OCD. A good analogy that I think of is that I wear OCD glasses to look at the world, and through these glasses things are skewed.. The need for certainty is massive and overwhelming. I understand your feelings and decisions. I will still pray for you and to know Jesus in a new way, not entangled by fear and impossible pressure. I too, deal with these impossible pressures and standards. But it's not Christianity or God that wants me like this, it's the OCD.. My mother used to tell me, please if this is causing you so much harm, just stop believing! Aka walk away from Christianity. But deep within my soul, I could not turn away from knowing it is true. This is really off topic but I love jollof rice 🤣🤣👍👍

@Mark Also I TOTALLY relate to the hope deferred in hoping for healing... It makes it so disappointing and disheartening. I used to pray for a miracle so much, I would go up every service for prayer I would attend healing services.. And nothing.... It broke my heart. But I realised, this is going to take time. It is God's will to do this His way, not my way... I think the health and wealth, prosperity false teachings in Christianity are so damaging, to all those who suffer at the hands of it.

@ButterflyStar Lol😂😂 you just threw me away with right now, that's amazing, it's nice to know you love it, no worries if we ever get to meet I'll cook jollof rice for you in appreciation for your help 👌😊... And it nice that you try to understand, I'm not really comfortable sharing all these, but today you made me feel so joyful that i did.

@ButterflyStar Yes you're right, I've also realized this, things may not happen in a miraculous way as we have sometimes been thought. I hope more get to realize cause I've seen It cause so much issues, to be honest today has been one of my best post mental disorder days 😅 and that's cause of you, take care and stay safe👍

@Mark I'm so glad the jollof made you lol. It is.. Amazing 👍👍👌👌!! I am so happy today was a better day. Even just a little bit 😊. I know it is so hard to share the pain of our hearts.. Thank you for sharing. And also to listen to me.