I am so sad. I feel so hopeless. I am just so tired of picking myself up again. I want to recover. I've read so many books and gone to therapy. But I feel as hopeless as ever. I could just cry all day and not stand up. I worry that my OCD has turned into depression... I want to get better! But it is so frustrating!! Those feelings... I keep searching for a way to get rid of them, I can't endure them! I don't want to feel sad all the time...

I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m so fed up of the way my OCD makes me feel, plagued with thoughts that I hate my son, I don’t love my partner, I want to die, my life is pointless. I’m trying so hard, I’m doin ERP, I’m trying to carry on my life as normal but I just feel SO depressed. I am convinced that I am stuck like this forever now, clearly nothing is working and I’m just ready to give up 😢

I am so tired of struggling with this disorder. It’s officially chronic and so debilitating. I obsess over something new every single day. Yesterday it was the thought that I should never have children because of my HOCD, today it was how I’m never going to get married, the day before yesterday was all about never graduating and thinking I’m going to fail, before that it was obsessing over thinking someone abused me as a child or that my parents were narcissists, before that it was the death of my brother, before that it was my appearance and weight. It’s absolutely never ending and I have no consistency in my life. I feel so angry at my self today because yesterday was actually a good day for me and today it’s the absolute worst. I was completely unproductive and depressed. I’m so tired of this. I know I won’t even feel the same tomorrow. What will ever fix this? How do people actually heal from this disorder? No one in my life even understands what OCD is and my family truly doesn’t understand at all they think it’s weird I’m just labeling having thoughts and they don’t get how much it impacts my life. I’m incredibly tired and all I want is to be normal and live normally. I’ve been researching all day for almost 7 hours. It’s like I didn’t do it yesterday so it came back 10x worse today.

My new theme is existential ocd and I was doing okay-ish this week until I saw a tik tok last night about death and after death communication and it sent me on a downwards spiral of needing to constantly research and google what happens when we die again and honestly just makes me feel sad in general about it all because of the uncertainty. I feel so disconnected from everyone and I feel scared to even be alone. I have to work tommorow and feel like crying. Then my relationship ocd added with the already feeling disconnected from everyone makes me scared about what if I don't love my partner or like him and it makes me even more distressed. Im so tired of feeling like this, I've had different themes since I was 7 and I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm so sad. I had the worst mental breakdown in decemeber and I still don't think I've fully recovered. I'm on new antidepressants but I'm still sad. I feel I'll never enjoy anything because it'll always be clouded by ocd. This is honestly more of a vent post more than anything but ahh im so tired.