Does anyone else think 'Maybe I'm talking because deep down I want attention. And I want the attention all on me.' this terrifies me because what if its the truth? I then worry when I speak I'm only speaking to get attention. I don't know if this is ocd or its the truth! And if it's the truth then I am scared I am a selfish, self absorbed person craving attention for others because I don't like myself. And that's when I worry it is true, that I look to others to like me so I will feel better. These thoughts have popped up the last 3 weeks and I'm so worried 😔😔tired and worried and scared

That's true! So maybe.. It is ocd? I'm so glad you have are better at managing the OCD. I really appreciate your comment and I will try to remember this. It's just such a scary and attention grabbing thought! Thanks tori!!

I was so glad to see you had posted on my notifications! For whatever reason, I thought you were a female this whole time 😂😂but now I see your emoji! So excuse any previous emojis like heart emojis, I use that for girls. Thabkngou! That's true... Just try to keep on moving with my life. Yes trying to accept the uncertainty honestly seems absurd to me sometimes. The 'maybe it is, maybe it isnt' doesn't really work for me, craving the doubt to go away. I suppose my craving for the doubt to go away is the problem.... It's all becoming clearer even as I type this comment 😅

@ButterflyStar Haha lol. I am a woman and I always thought you thought of me that way. I do give a womanly "vibe" I think! But then one day someone referred to me as dude, and I couldnt understand what in the world for! But its definitely the emoji then! I crave chocolate something fierce... but its nothing against the craving for certainty! Having a hard time accepting that recovery means accepting "maybe I have no friend, maybe Im worthless" etc. Those are so painful uncertainties, but trying to find certainty and security hasnt work the past decades so trying to close in on the acceptance so I can get better! But it is definitely _absurd_. Maybe accepting the absurdity of ocd is a part of it.

Asdfghj friend.. I'm going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out how to forgive someone.. Like what are the mental steps, how to correctly do it,what are the steps and order of it, what are the feelings that must be achieved. And I feel so far away from understanding that, that I think I cannot understand it and therefore sinning. 😔 You're the person on this app who gets that part of me- doing things correctly and getting very distressed about it P. S merry Christmas I hope it was lovely 😊🎄

@ButterflyStar Its so strange but almost whenever you mention one of your struggles I relate. Obsessing over forgiveness: been there done that. Not for scrupolosity though, but probably perfectionism. "What IS forgiveness, what does it really mean!? Is it a feeling, should I get a feeling of letting go, all I feel is anxiety" etc etc. Whenever someone makes a mistake towards me I'll get caught up in how to move on. I guess the trick is just moving on. 😅 BUT what if you havent really forgiven!? How do you know!? I'm sorry you're struggling. You can do it though. Let it be. Merry Christmas to you too! To be honest it's been OCD all day long. Christmas has very strict expectations for perfection. The "right" gifts, the "right" feelings from the gifts, the "right" "mood", the "... I could go on. How has it been for you? 😊 Right now Im deep into a feeling of despair as the thoughts of how my life will always be miserable and everybody hates me is intruding. Jolly! 😆

@asdfghj Thank you so much for replying! Yes all those things.. That's what I get caught up on too! And when I'm hurting trying to move on and rush through the feeling, so as to not FEEL the hurt/anxiety is one of my compulsions. I usually try to thought suppress or pray.. All of them are pointless because my emotions do leak out. Even if it's 2 hours later and I've been doing a compulsion for 1 hour, that hurt and anger rises again. And yet my compulsions are the only tool I know to get through it, albeit very unhelpful. So in therapy, she's trying to encourage me to feel the feelings (🙄another set of words thy trip me up by the meanings and what does that really mean? 😂) I understand about Christmas! It is a lot of pressure to have a joyful Hallmark looking day isn't it.. But, this is just one Christmas out of many you will have, and thank fully, not all of them will be OCD at the forefront nor the main driving force. Sometimes when we are really overwhelmed all we can do it hold on and get through safely.. Like driving through some thick fog. It is scary, and you can't see the light or it getting better, but just driving through safely and slowly until the fog lessens. 🌫️🚘❤️ Have you read about distress tolerance? There are some good YouTube videos on it. It's something I am learning about. Oh, and yes, I also frequently go down the rabbit hole of 'will I always be stuck like this?'. But, as humans, we are pretty terrible at predicting our own future, we won't always be like this. I heard on a podcast this, and it has always stuck with me "Instead of feeling hopeless about fearing will you always be like this with OCD, therefore feelings of depression because of this rumination.. Let's try to think 'What is better for my wellbeing today?' and work towards that.' that may be painting your nails, watching a show, asking for a cuddle from a loved one. It doesn't have to feel better or happier after doing those things (false pressure put on ourselves) but it's a win-win action towards yourself 😊👍. Thank you always for commenting bakc and sorry for the lengthy essay 😅

@ButterflyStar I love your essay! 💪 Feel feelings omg! Its the worst. 😅 I was stuck on that for a log time. Was misdiagnosed and thought that trauma had made me unable to feel. There may be some truth to it but now I just think its all the compulsions who take up all my time and counsciousness so I dont to feel. I have put "feel your feelings" on the shelf cause I truly believe focusing on it triggers the compulsions to do it "right". While if I focus on NOT doing compulsions feelings will come and go freely. It has turned out like that too. Never have I felt as much as when I have prevented compulsions and gotten through on the other side of the anxiety attack. And then with the accepting mindset. Anger ... I think often I get a lot more angry because I dont accept veing angry. It makes me "bad", anger is not allowed and ungrateful. I think if I just didnt place meaning in my feelings. It is. Then it would be easier. Thanks for the encouragement about Christmas. I truly hope not every Christmas will be terrible. But maybe. And maybe Ill learn to live with it. Havent read about distress tolerance. I will check it out! 👍 The "it will be like this forever" is definitely an obsession with rumination/compulsions along with it. I also do the same. And lately Ive been asking "what would I do right now if I didnt have ocd/anxiety" and then I push myself to do it even if it makes me terribly anxious. Like now: Ill go read a book in stead of spending the next hour(s) figuring out why I am so lonely and such a loser. 😅 I hope the forgiving issue us going well! 🖖🏻

@asdfghj "Also do the same": ask what is better for my wellbeing right now. 😅 so many typos some places I dont even understand. Will do an exposure and not fix it! 😋

@asdfghj Hey! Thank you so much for responding yesterday. I always look forward to your posts. It sounds like you're working so hard on the OCD. Well done 😊 🌟 Do you work with a therapist? Or by yourself? Wow, putting 'feeling your feelings' on the shelf is great! It's so awesome you came to the conclusions that doing that is what is actually helpful for you right now. And yes I guess you are right!! When you don't do the compulsions, thats exactly when you definitely will feel everything 😩like a tidal wave. Yes I agree about anger. My therapist often talks about not judging our emotions or feelings, just observing them from a distanced manner. I get caught up in the meaning of these words and how this actually plays out mentally... I guess that goes back to some other things we discussed - not trying to do it perfectly // the 'right' way. You're not a loser, don't say that ❤️you really are such a help to me and someone I often look forward to hear back from because we deal with some similarities and offer great advice! Hope your day is going well 😊

@asdfghj Hahah I had to do that last night too!! And i misspelt a post of biblical scripture so I thought I was an awful person for it. Then I caught its ocd talking and refrained from giving it some compulsion cookies! 🤣👍