- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Hey there. OCD has tried to tell me similar things about myself. I try and just remember that OCD has lied to me many times in the past so what makes this time any different? Also I will never get 100% certainty with anything in life and might not with this either. I just try and remember what my values are and stick to those. I also remind myself that I am human and I will make mistakes but I also practice self acceptance as well.
- Date posted
- 4y
That's true! So maybe.. It is ocd? I'm so glad you have are better at managing the OCD. I really appreciate your comment and I will try to remember this. It's just such a scary and attention grabbing thought! Thanks tori!!
- Date posted
- 4y
Maybe it is OCD and maybe it isnt. And maybe figuring out if it is or isnt is a compulsion. What is the harm in treating it as OCD even if you dont know if it is? Maybe you want attention and can move on with your life still? OCD is truly ridiculous. Its so hard to continue with our lives with all the strange insecurities. Sometimes I think "what if this person is just a fiction of my imagination", then im just supposed to think "maybe he is" and continue talking to this person. Maybe people cant hear me when Im talking. What if im invisible? What if everyone hates me. Yupyupyup. Maybe. Its dreadful. But you can do it.
- Date posted
- 4y
I was so glad to see you had posted on my notifications! For whatever reason, I thought you were a female this whole time ππbut now I see your emoji! So excuse any previous emojis like heart emojis, I use that for girls. Thabkngou! That's true... Just try to keep on moving with my life. Yes trying to accept the uncertainty honestly seems absurd to me sometimes. The 'maybe it is, maybe it isnt' doesn't really work for me, craving the doubt to go away. I suppose my craving for the doubt to go away is the problem.... It's all becoming clearer even as I type this comment π
- Date posted
- 4y
@ButterflyStar Haha lol. I am a woman and I always thought you thought of me that way. I do give a womanly "vibe" I think! But then one day someone referred to me as dude, and I couldnt understand what in the world for! But its definitely the emoji then! I crave chocolate something fierce... but its nothing against the craving for certainty! Having a hard time accepting that recovery means accepting "maybe I have no friend, maybe Im worthless" etc. Those are so painful uncertainties, but trying to find certainty and security hasnt work the past decades so trying to close in on the acceptance so I can get better! But it is definitely _absurd_. Maybe accepting the absurdity of ocd is a part of it.
- Date posted
- 4y
Asdfghj friend.. I'm going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out how to forgive someone.. Like what are the mental steps, how to correctly do it,what are the steps and order of it, what are the feelings that must be achieved. And I feel so far away from understanding that, that I think I cannot understand it and therefore sinning. π You're the person on this app who gets that part of me- doing things correctly and getting very distressed about it P. S merry Christmas I hope it was lovely ππ
- Date posted
- 4y
@ButterflyStar Its so strange but almost whenever you mention one of your struggles I relate. Obsessing over forgiveness: been there done that. Not for scrupolosity though, but probably perfectionism. "What IS forgiveness, what does it really mean!? Is it a feeling, should I get a feeling of letting go, all I feel is anxiety" etc etc. Whenever someone makes a mistake towards me I'll get caught up in how to move on. I guess the trick is just moving on. π BUT what if you havent really forgiven!? How do you know!? I'm sorry you're struggling. You can do it though. Let it be. Merry Christmas to you too! To be honest it's been OCD all day long. Christmas has very strict expectations for perfection. The "right" gifts, the "right" feelings from the gifts, the "right" "mood", the "... I could go on. How has it been for you? π Right now Im deep into a feeling of despair as the thoughts of how my life will always be miserable and everybody hates me is intruding. Jolly! π
- Date posted
- 4y
@asdfghj Thank you so much for replying! Yes all those things.. That's what I get caught up on too! And when I'm hurting trying to move on and rush through the feeling, so as to not FEEL the hurt/anxiety is one of my compulsions. I usually try to thought suppress or pray.. All of them are pointless because my emotions do leak out. Even if it's 2 hours later and I've been doing a compulsion for 1 hour, that hurt and anger rises again. And yet my compulsions are the only tool I know to get through it, albeit very unhelpful. So in therapy, she's trying to encourage me to feel the feelings (πanother set of words thy trip me up by the meanings and what does that really mean? π) I understand about Christmas! It is a lot of pressure to have a joyful Hallmark looking day isn't it.. But, this is just one Christmas out of many you will have, and thank fully, not all of them will be OCD at the forefront nor the main driving force. Sometimes when we are really overwhelmed all we can do it hold on and get through safely.. Like driving through some thick fog. It is scary, and you can't see the light or it getting better, but just driving through safely and slowly until the fog lessens. π«οΈπβ€οΈ Have you read about distress tolerance? There are some good YouTube videos on it. It's something I am learning about. Oh, and yes, I also frequently go down the rabbit hole of 'will I always be stuck like this?'. But, as humans, we are pretty terrible at predicting our own future, we won't always be like this. I heard on a podcast this, and it has always stuck with me "Instead of feeling hopeless about fearing will you always be like this with OCD, therefore feelings of depression because of this rumination.. Let's try to think 'What is better for my wellbeing today?' and work towards that.' that may be painting your nails, watching a show, asking for a cuddle from a loved one. It doesn't have to feel better or happier after doing those things (false pressure put on ourselves) but it's a win-win action towards yourself ππ. Thank you always for commenting bakc and sorry for the lengthy essay π
- Date posted
- 4y
@ButterflyStar I love your essay! πͺ Feel feelings omg! Its the worst. π I was stuck on that for a log time. Was misdiagnosed and thought that trauma had made me unable to feel. There may be some truth to it but now I just think its all the compulsions who take up all my time and counsciousness so I dont to feel. I have put "feel your feelings" on the shelf cause I truly believe focusing on it triggers the compulsions to do it "right". While if I focus on NOT doing compulsions feelings will come and go freely. It has turned out like that too. Never have I felt as much as when I have prevented compulsions and gotten through on the other side of the anxiety attack. And then with the accepting mindset. Anger ... I think often I get a lot more angry because I dont accept veing angry. It makes me "bad", anger is not allowed and ungrateful. I think if I just didnt place meaning in my feelings. It is. Then it would be easier. Thanks for the encouragement about Christmas. I truly hope not every Christmas will be terrible. But maybe. And maybe Ill learn to live with it. Havent read about distress tolerance. I will check it out! π The "it will be like this forever" is definitely an obsession with rumination/compulsions along with it. I also do the same. And lately Ive been asking "what would I do right now if I didnt have ocd/anxiety" and then I push myself to do it even if it makes me terribly anxious. Like now: Ill go read a book in stead of spending the next hour(s) figuring out why I am so lonely and such a loser. π I hope the forgiving issue us going well! ππ»
- Date posted
- 4y
@asdfghj "Also do the same": ask what is better for my wellbeing right now. π so many typos some places I dont even understand. Will do an exposure and not fix it! π
- Date posted
- 4y
@asdfghj Hey! Thank you so much for responding yesterday. I always look forward to your posts. It sounds like you're working so hard on the OCD. Well done π π Do you work with a therapist? Or by yourself? Wow, putting 'feeling your feelings' on the shelf is great! It's so awesome you came to the conclusions that doing that is what is actually helpful for you right now. And yes I guess you are right!! When you don't do the compulsions, thats exactly when you definitely will feel everything π©like a tidal wave. Yes I agree about anger. My therapist often talks about not judging our emotions or feelings, just observing them from a distanced manner. I get caught up in the meaning of these words and how this actually plays out mentally... I guess that goes back to some other things we discussed - not trying to do it perfectly // the 'right' way. You're not a loser, don't say that β€οΈyou really are such a help to me and someone I often look forward to hear back from because we deal with some similarities and offer great advice! Hope your day is going well π
- Date posted
- 4y
@asdfghj Hahah I had to do that last night too!! And i misspelt a post of biblical scripture so I thought I was an awful person for it. Then I caught its ocd talking and refrained from giving it some compulsion cookies! π€£π
- Date posted
- 4y
I have been talking semi-compulsively for 8-9 months about my life and life facts so that my neighbors could hear me. To this day I still don't know shit about it, so guess I have to move forward ππΌπ
Related posts
- Date posted
- 19w
I feel like a lot of my fears are actually just centered around what other people think of me because I'm scared of being abandoned and no one loving me anymore. I don't actually feel like my fears are about being a good person. And then when I have this thought it makes me feel even worse because many people here genuinely seem to be scared of being a bad person. I feel like an actual bad person who's more concerned with appearances than anything else :(. I keep having these thoughts like what kind of person am I when I'm alone and with my thoughts. And then I get scared to be alone.
- Date posted
- 14w
Whenever anyone starts to feel like their thoughts are less triggering or they feel a moment of happiness/ relief OCD tells you that you want the thoughts back or you actually like having the thoughts and maybe thats just the person I really am? I feel like im going insaneπ’
- Date posted
- 11w
Hey, so idk if I have ocd, I would like to think Iβm a very self aware person but I donβt wanna self diagnose at all, lmk what you guys think. So pretty much my whole life since I was young I remember having irrational fears im sure it was all trauma induced but when I was a kid I thought my father was poisoning me until I asked him, he started crying and was so shocked that I could ever even think that, my parents broke up when I was legit fresh out the womb, mom worked two jobs and disciplined me, dad let me do whatever on the weekends and got me snacks so I was obsessed with him so obsessed that it was mandatory for me to kiss his picture 20x everyday before school. Growing up I always felt followed by cameras or like someone out there was recording me waiting for me to do something embarrassing to expose me in front of the whole world and my life was over π€£π€£ I thought my abusive ex bf was stalking me through my I phone camera after we broke up and it would truly stress me out, it made me believe that it was the reason he never reached out again bc I probably looked ugly in the camera he was stalking me through. If I fall out with a friend Ill over analyze everything to see if I did anything wrong and god forbid while Iβm self reflecting I realize I did something wrong I feel like an evil person, verbatim the people I fall out with is bc theyβve done me wrong in some way and it has to b something hurtful or repeated mistakes for me to really stay away for good, so Iβll beat myself up for making mistakes with another person whoβs made the same amount of mistakes if not more and in most cases I always fall short, and this when I question if itβs ocd or Iβm just to self aware and see the ugly in me bc Iβm not perfect and itβs just makes me feel so unsettled but again thatβs a normal feeling and the next step is to forgive yourself and do better moving forward, not obsess over it like your trying to convince yourself youβre a good person. Iβm also hot tempered and will say hurtful things when Iβm mad Iβm definitely a crash out in the way, you push my bottoms way too many times and I will shred you, and Iβll say things ik will hurt you and thatβs just so low, then the anger goes away and I have to face the guilt, which makes my βocdβ 100x worse, it almost feels like I have to do everything right to not trigger it yet again I donβt have the self control to do it all right, I actually have a lot bpd tendencies again not diagnosing but Iβm just trying to understand my brain. I worry about dying, getting a terminal illness. uti turning into kidney infection then into cancer kind of thing, knowing that life in general can b tragic is so scary to me, like what will be my story? What will be my life experience?. I believe that people see right through me and discuss it amongst each other, I always tell myself I am not that important but I canβt seem to shake it off sometimes. When I would break up with my ex I would have pre written paragraphs ready to b send if he ever decided to reach back and I would do this to make sure I didnβt forget a single thought, that every point i felt I need to prove was there, and that bothers me bc do I want win an argument or fix the issue. All of these feelings make me feel so pathetic and embarrassed people move on with their lives and Iβm still stuck on something that happened 3 yrs ago. Then Iβll get manic get a tattoo, change my hair, go out clubbing do what I can to b the sexy young girl that I am and it helps in the moment but it worsens my mental after the euphoria is gone. Iβm currently staying home, not going out, have only 1 friend so I feel like ocd progressively got worse now, I donβt remember it getting this bad in a while. lmk what you guys think donβt judge or think Iβm embarrassing Iβm actually so cool and if have to convince you Iβm cool I will LMFAOO no but fr help
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