- Username
- ButterflyStar
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Hey there. OCD has tried to tell me similar things about myself. I try and just remember that OCD has lied to me many times in the past so what makes this time any different? Also I will never get 100% certainty with anything in life and might not with this either. I just try and remember what my values are and stick to those. I also remind myself that I am human and I will make mistakes but I also practice self acceptance as well.
That's true! So maybe.. It is ocd? I'm so glad you have are better at managing the OCD. I really appreciate your comment and I will try to remember this. It's just such a scary and attention grabbing thought! Thanks tori!!
Maybe it is OCD and maybe it isnt. And maybe figuring out if it is or isnt is a compulsion. What is the harm in treating it as OCD even if you dont know if it is? Maybe you want attention and can move on with your life still? OCD is truly ridiculous. Its so hard to continue with our lives with all the strange insecurities. Sometimes I think "what if this person is just a fiction of my imagination", then im just supposed to think "maybe he is" and continue talking to this person. Maybe people cant hear me when Im talking. What if im invisible? What if everyone hates me. Yupyupyup. Maybe. Its dreadful. But you can do it.
I was so glad to see you had posted on my notifications! For whatever reason, I thought you were a female this whole time ππbut now I see your emoji! So excuse any previous emojis like heart emojis, I use that for girls. Thabkngou! That's true... Just try to keep on moving with my life. Yes trying to accept the uncertainty honestly seems absurd to me sometimes. The 'maybe it is, maybe it isnt' doesn't really work for me, craving the doubt to go away. I suppose my craving for the doubt to go away is the problem.... It's all becoming clearer even as I type this comment π
@ButterflyStar Haha lol. I am a woman and I always thought you thought of me that way. I do give a womanly "vibe" I think! But then one day someone referred to me as dude, and I couldnt understand what in the world for! But its definitely the emoji then! I crave chocolate something fierce... but its nothing against the craving for certainty! Having a hard time accepting that recovery means accepting "maybe I have no friend, maybe Im worthless" etc. Those are so painful uncertainties, but trying to find certainty and security hasnt work the past decades so trying to close in on the acceptance so I can get better! But it is definitely _absurd_. Maybe accepting the absurdity of ocd is a part of it.
Asdfghj friend.. I'm going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out how to forgive someone.. Like what are the mental steps, how to correctly do it,what are the steps and order of it, what are the feelings that must be achieved. And I feel so far away from understanding that, that I think I cannot understand it and therefore sinning. π You're the person on this app who gets that part of me- doing things correctly and getting very distressed about it P. S merry Christmas I hope it was lovely ππ
@ButterflyStar Its so strange but almost whenever you mention one of your struggles I relate. Obsessing over forgiveness: been there done that. Not for scrupolosity though, but probably perfectionism. "What IS forgiveness, what does it really mean!? Is it a feeling, should I get a feeling of letting go, all I feel is anxiety" etc etc. Whenever someone makes a mistake towards me I'll get caught up in how to move on. I guess the trick is just moving on. π BUT what if you havent really forgiven!? How do you know!? I'm sorry you're struggling. You can do it though. Let it be. Merry Christmas to you too! To be honest it's been OCD all day long. Christmas has very strict expectations for perfection. The "right" gifts, the "right" feelings from the gifts, the "right" "mood", the "... I could go on. How has it been for you? π Right now Im deep into a feeling of despair as the thoughts of how my life will always be miserable and everybody hates me is intruding. Jolly! π
@asdfghj Thank you so much for replying! Yes all those things.. That's what I get caught up on too! And when I'm hurting trying to move on and rush through the feeling, so as to not FEEL the hurt/anxiety is one of my compulsions. I usually try to thought suppress or pray.. All of them are pointless because my emotions do leak out. Even if it's 2 hours later and I've been doing a compulsion for 1 hour, that hurt and anger rises again. And yet my compulsions are the only tool I know to get through it, albeit very unhelpful. So in therapy, she's trying to encourage me to feel the feelings (πanother set of words thy trip me up by the meanings and what does that really mean? π) I understand about Christmas! It is a lot of pressure to have a joyful Hallmark looking day isn't it.. But, this is just one Christmas out of many you will have, and thank fully, not all of them will be OCD at the forefront nor the main driving force. Sometimes when we are really overwhelmed all we can do it hold on and get through safely.. Like driving through some thick fog. It is scary, and you can't see the light or it getting better, but just driving through safely and slowly until the fog lessens. π«οΈπβ€οΈ Have you read about distress tolerance? There are some good YouTube videos on it. It's something I am learning about. Oh, and yes, I also frequently go down the rabbit hole of 'will I always be stuck like this?'. But, as humans, we are pretty terrible at predicting our own future, we won't always be like this. I heard on a podcast this, and it has always stuck with me "Instead of feeling hopeless about fearing will you always be like this with OCD, therefore feelings of depression because of this rumination.. Let's try to think 'What is better for my wellbeing today?' and work towards that.' that may be painting your nails, watching a show, asking for a cuddle from a loved one. It doesn't have to feel better or happier after doing those things (false pressure put on ourselves) but it's a win-win action towards yourself ππ. Thank you always for commenting bakc and sorry for the lengthy essay π
@ButterflyStar I love your essay! πͺ Feel feelings omg! Its the worst. π I was stuck on that for a log time. Was misdiagnosed and thought that trauma had made me unable to feel. There may be some truth to it but now I just think its all the compulsions who take up all my time and counsciousness so I dont to feel. I have put "feel your feelings" on the shelf cause I truly believe focusing on it triggers the compulsions to do it "right". While if I focus on NOT doing compulsions feelings will come and go freely. It has turned out like that too. Never have I felt as much as when I have prevented compulsions and gotten through on the other side of the anxiety attack. And then with the accepting mindset. Anger ... I think often I get a lot more angry because I dont accept veing angry. It makes me "bad", anger is not allowed and ungrateful. I think if I just didnt place meaning in my feelings. It is. Then it would be easier. Thanks for the encouragement about Christmas. I truly hope not every Christmas will be terrible. But maybe. And maybe Ill learn to live with it. Havent read about distress tolerance. I will check it out! π The "it will be like this forever" is definitely an obsession with rumination/compulsions along with it. I also do the same. And lately Ive been asking "what would I do right now if I didnt have ocd/anxiety" and then I push myself to do it even if it makes me terribly anxious. Like now: Ill go read a book in stead of spending the next hour(s) figuring out why I am so lonely and such a loser. π I hope the forgiving issue us going well! ππ»
@asdfghj "Also do the same": ask what is better for my wellbeing right now. π so many typos some places I dont even understand. Will do an exposure and not fix it! π
@asdfghj Hey! Thank you so much for responding yesterday. I always look forward to your posts. It sounds like you're working so hard on the OCD. Well done π π Do you work with a therapist? Or by yourself? Wow, putting 'feeling your feelings' on the shelf is great! It's so awesome you came to the conclusions that doing that is what is actually helpful for you right now. And yes I guess you are right!! When you don't do the compulsions, thats exactly when you definitely will feel everything π©like a tidal wave. Yes I agree about anger. My therapist often talks about not judging our emotions or feelings, just observing them from a distanced manner. I get caught up in the meaning of these words and how this actually plays out mentally... I guess that goes back to some other things we discussed - not trying to do it perfectly // the 'right' way. You're not a loser, don't say that β€οΈyou really are such a help to me and someone I often look forward to hear back from because we deal with some similarities and offer great advice! Hope your day is going well π
@asdfghj Hahah I had to do that last night too!! And i misspelt a post of biblical scripture so I thought I was an awful person for it. Then I caught its ocd talking and refrained from giving it some compulsion cookies! π€£π
I have been talking semi-compulsively for 8-9 months about my life and life facts so that my neighbors could hear me. To this day I still don't know shit about it, so guess I have to move forward ππΌπ
I believe I have moral OCD and I reassurance seek about things because my brain genuinely cannot recognise if I should be upset/worried/ashamed about something or not. My brain just gets locked on one thought and cant get any real perspective. I read a post today on a OCD support group on fb where someone said "bad people often want reassurance to make them feel better about who they are/what they have done and get this reassurance online from people who dont know the full story about them". And it really triggered me because it made me think, am I not a good person? Is this really OCD? what if it's not and I am doing exactly what that person said? And that was so scary to me. I dont think I'm a bad person, I'll admit to making mistakes in the past like every other human on the planet but my intentions were never bad ones. And then I feel scared for even worrying about what that person said bc why would I worry after reading that? I feel like my brain just cant distinguish from reality and the reality that its created and its terrifying.
my biggest fear is what if i don't actually have ocd and get exposed as a fraud. im afraid i might have been living a lie the whole time. i keep thinking that im not as ill as others here. i feel like i don't deserve attention, it's like im unconsciously invalidating myself all the time and j can't help but think that im an impostor in disguise. that im just doing this for attention. that i just want to be mentally ill to feel like i fit in somewhere. when i show a new ocd symptom im afraid that oh im probably just copying something that i saw off this app here because i want to feel like i truly do have ocd. i know i most likely have it but im so stuck in this loop of doubt. my ocd isn't as severe as it was in the beginning so that makes me feel even more invalid and i have developed impostor syndrome over the years.
Has anyone else had OCD over a person?? In an ugly, anxious way?? Like obsessing over their appearance and what people think of them because you donβt want them to have any good??? I know that sounds awful and I FEEL awful, but I just canβt help it. Donβt know how it was triggered, but I think it usually starts when I think people are full of themselves/narcissistic... I just feel alone :(
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