I’ve been dealing with OCD since I was 17 I believe. I still remember when it started. It was also weird too because when I opened up about it I mentioned that if I was to do something bad then why do people trust me to watch there kids? I literally looked at my friend and said you trust me with your kids I mean why would you trust me with your kids? It was something like that. But I wasn’t exactly have thoughts about children when it started my brother would pop in my head and then it bothered me that my little brother was across the room from me (I had two brothers one living with my no and I, one that lived in a special home) so then my ocd got bad and I started over cleaning things to the point I was starting to ruin things. So now I’m 22 almost 23 still dealing with thoughts and feelings of POCD and many other things like incest for example. But as time when on the more this problem began to seem real the worse my thoughts got over time. I don’t know why they got worse but they did and it became more real and I was trying to open up about it. I have a lot but the looks I get when I try talking to people about things or the replies I get aren’t always nice. It’s kind of a bummer. I have a son now. Ever since I’ve had him it seems like my thoughts and feelings are always directed towards him at least a lot of the times maybe not always because I know I have thoughts that don’t include him. I struggle with my bond with him. I see other moms so excited posted about how there kids are the love of their love and they are so proud and seem like there in joyful tears or something over their kids walking and crawling and all those small steps but me... I don’t always feel it. I get very small moments sometimes of joy and happiness and all those great things I thought were supposed to be there but aren’t. I’m doing the best I can to make things better but it’s not easy. I’ve got to the point where I barely get anything do. There so much I wanted but couldn’t accomplish. It was either too overwhelming or I just simply didn’t want to do it. I’m lazy. I almost never seem happy. I felt like I stopped caring about people. I just felt like I didn’t care. Before I had him I went through this dark phase where I was so stuck and my mind was going Grey/pitch black. I knew people were there and loved me but I felt like there wasn’t a single person I wanted to go to so I just sat there in pitch black almost in my head where everything is pretty much gone and the only thing there is you.. I want to say it was crippling. I don’t think I have panic attacks I did have a thought that maybe I did have them and didn’t know but the first experience I ever had that I feel like was an attack is when I dated someone mixed. He was nice and sweet but something wasn’t right and I was trying to tell him that so we split and I freaked out because I don’t do well with ends it seems like. Ends of romantic relationships I guess. So I was literally freaking out thinking I was racist and that I was gonna go to hell and I think possible I may have thought god hated me and this dread went on for like a week. I thought about going to a hospital twice within like 3 days but I couldn’t fall back I had to keep going because of work.