Hello. I am still trying to figure out if I have OCD or not. 4 weeks ago I had a random bout of what felt like paranoia, intrusive thought/image that really really scared and disturbed me. I never have had something like that before. At the time I had been put on meds benzos which I had been on for a couple weeks just for bedtime but also zoloft I had just started for anxiety and dealing with grief. I have posted in here before but I’m just curious I have since learned that people get intrusive thoughts often but it’s more like people with OCD that they get stuck and we dwell on them and spend time trying to analyze and figure out and also feel anxiety or emotion from them. I have spent 4 weeks being afraid of this and thought that it made me a bad person or that I might do the things that popped into my head which seemingly came out of nowhere. I’m 36 and never had this. Always have been positive and though I have dealt with some health anxiety off and on and been a little bit of a worry type of thinker it has been nothing like this. I have been unable to focus on hardly anything else and I have been trying to find out why it happened? It seemed so intense it literally is opposite of who I am or thought I was but has made me question so many things and have doubts of my own character and just be overall scared it will happen. Has anyone experienced an onset of this from a medicine adversely like an antidepressant or a benzo before? I thought maybe I was going through interdose withdrawal from the benzo or perhaps since I had just stated the zoloft it was a negative side effect? Regardless of the reason it has bothered me for weeks and interfering with my life and normal thought processes. Since then it seemed like the specific thought/image I had morphed a little into all different scenarios and I don’t understand. Maybe that’s my anxious mind exploring the thought and consequences of it? Catasrophizing? Either way it’s just so bothersome and I just don’t get it. I thought it could be OCD because I googled thoughts and found out all this information. I have been seeing a therapist before this even happened for anxiety and CBT. But now I’m just so confused? Anyone else have this type of experience? I feel like I’m just over analyzing this and ruminating on this and it’s been far too long. I want to just let go of this and start living my life again, but it felt so intense and the images can pop back in now intermittently. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still trying to figure it out or what? I should say since the initial thought/image happened I since stopped zoloft and tapered the benzo since I had been on the benzo for a few weeks and those aren’t good to stay on. In some ways I have felt better than before and made progress from a lot of the anxiety and mild depression I was having due to a sudden loss. But in other ways this worry about these thoughts have completely consumed my thought process. I listen to podcasts all day about learning about intrusive thoughts and tips, read this community posts, just searching for answers. I realize that maybe my compulsion. I also find it’s all I can talk about and looking for comfort and reassurance. Which I realize now may be a compulsion. I just wonder is this how my mind is now? Does anyone relate at all?

pureolife

Date posted: 4y

The only person who can diagnose you is an ocd specialist. But this is a good test for a general idea: https://ocdla.com/pure-obsessional-ocd-test You should set up a consultation. It sounds to me like you’re engaging in a lot of mental compulsions and ocd may be a proper diagnosis for you.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Thanks. I did set up an appointment just isn’t until like another week and a half unfortunately.

Anon4

Date posted: 4y

This sounds like OCD, but I can’t be certain. Have you discussed this with your therapist? If you don’t mind me asking, what was the initial thought/image? OCD can be about anything and everything, but there are common themes, so it may be easier to identify by understanding what the thoughts are about.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

It was weird. My spouse was telling me about a tool and I got afraid of it suddenly and suddenly pictured what it could do to someone and thought what if I go crazy and do that and then it started changing into like if I’m crazy and would I hurt someone? It seemed to be specific to like hurting with objects or fear of doing that with like a knife or something. It was very strange Since then I’ve had a hard time forgetting it and worrying that I might be capable of things like that. So I started avoiding being around people and just withdrawing a bit and feeling guilty and shameful. I’ve been trying to do that less since learning more about it but before all of this anxiety and the thoughts I was like a very kind loving positive and just really compassionate person. I feel like I lost that and a bit of my innocence is gone

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I also must say emphsize at the time it happened I was very anxious and dealing with insomnia and probably depression from grief so I had a lot against me and medications on board sort of messing with me. I tried accepting it was just because of all of that but I think it’s because the thoughts sort of continued further into those weeks and got all distorted and just made up all these stories with them I thought 1. I must be going crazy or something and I’m missing the right way to treat or diagnose myself? 2. Is this how I’ve always been? 3. Am I really someone that could do that, I just don’t get it all.

Anon4

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous Yeah, that sounds like Harm OCD. That’s an extremely common theme. You said you stopped Zoloft, correct? Your best options are going to be ERP or SSRI’s or both. Most OCD specialists will say ERP is the best method, but you have to understand the goal of ERP is to get rid of the compulsions because the thought is not the problem (everyone has intrusive thoughts).

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@Anon4 Yeah I get that it’s just how do you not feel threatened by thoughts like that? Or feel terrible for thinking it. Or fear it won’t happen? You know? That’s what I’m dealing with. I did stop the zoloft yes it was only about 7 days on it. I really felt it triggered this but can’t be sure. Either that or interdose withdrawal with Ativan. I’ve been off of them both for almost a month. Hoping also my brain can heal more from the benzos as I know that can make your brain more excitable meaning to be more anxious in general.

Anon4

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous You learn coping skills for the fear. Part of that is understanding a thought is just a thought. It doesn’t mean anything about you. As you learn to sit with the anxiety and the uncomfortable feelings, you will eventually start feeling less threatened by the thoughts.

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