Okay so I kinda need to vent and would appreciate it if anyone could read this and provide insight or discussion. I’ve been having a great day, and I’m so grateful for that. It was a good self-care day, and a day for some self reflection. It’s almost like I feel guilty for having a good day, though. My OCD was sexual orientation OCD which turned into relationship OCD with my boyfriend I love so dearly and before this flavored up I had no doubts that he was the man I was meant to be with. After watching some videos and reading articles and becoming more educated with ROCD, though, I see that love is not who youre “meant to be with”, it’s more an active choice. I just feel stressed out because I broke up with him because of how stressed out I was about the SO-OCD and I just literally felt like breaking up with him was my only option, like it was the only thing I could control in my life in that moment. Now I’ve been going through therapy through NOCD and it’s been helpful! My symptoms have been super manageable and I’m so grateful for the work my therapist made me put in in order to get here. Then ROCD started to develop more as I realized I broke up with him for no REAL reason other than thinking it was gonna solve whatever crisis I was going through at the time. I still love him very much and want to be with him, but now I feel like my mind is in this constant state of “what if’s”, like what if I fall out of love, what if I don’t really love him, what if I’m just faking this, what if I cheat on him, yadayadayada. But since I had a better day today, I feel guilty. Like okay yeah so I must be faking it. Or I’m LOOKING for problems. I just feel like I’m not worthy of this life I’ve always wanted and I really want to learn how to feel worthy. I have always believed everyone deserves happiness and the life they dream of, yet here I am thinking I don’t. I guess what I’m trying to say is OCD sucks. I’m sad and feel depressed and lost, and like many of you, I would have never guessed I would have this illness. But I’m gonna keep fighting, even on days that feel like there’s no use. I hope you guys are doing well so far in this new year and if you aren’t you have the power to push through this and achieve the life you deserve. 💖💖.

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Date posted: 4y

After being directly told its ocd (not officially diagnosed on paper) by my trusted psychiatrist I still have never accepted its ocd and question if it is almost everyday. It is so common. Even writing this makes me feel like a fraud. So, I dont suffer from ROCD but here is my take on love: I choose to love my boyfriend every Day by trying to respect him and be supportive of him. It is an active choice. I dont question I love him because to me I make that choice. There are days I feel tired or feel like I am unsure or even sometimes my mind goes to thoughts of a potential break up (my bpd traits makes me catastrophize and think my relationship is ruined or I ruined it sometimes) but I know I love him even then. I might be so mad I dont feel like trying for a while but I still love him because the bond is always there even if it doesnt feel like I love him the same as when I am not mad. It is like a tree we have grown together. We water it little by little everyday and our love becomes stronger. The tree is always there but sometimes you dont feel like watering it and sometimes you might not remember or see the tree for sometime but its still there. I am almost always conscious of that tree. I didnt get love struck when I first saw him and didnt have the irresistible intense feeling at the start and I am OK with it because I love him more than I have ever loved anyone in the sense of work I have put in the relationship. It is a deeper bond for me than merely feeling in love.

Delanie

Date posted: 4y

That’s very sweet to hear 🥲 I’m so glad you have that special person in your life. ❤️

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Date posted: 4y

@Delanie Same for you and I can tell you love him!

Delanie

Date posted: 4y

@Alma I do, very much! And I relate to you in that way that it’s something you actively work on. But I find myself having this internal pressure to feel a way because I “should”, you know. But thanks 😊

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Date posted: 4y

@Delanie I don't obsess over it but having other subtypes I completely understand the need to control what you feel and how much you feel it. Hope you can get some relief.

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Date posted: 4y

@Delanie I also have great days but it always comes back at some point so try to cherish it and be productive today.

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