Anyone else get really ashamed and guilty and just overall begin to feel dirty after watching certain porn? :/ It’s nothing illegal it’s just taboo and feels wrong. But I can’t always climax off vanilla stuff anymore (which scares me a lot). I think I’m just going to stop watching it entirely.

Yeah I agree! And I’m deffo gonna take a break. The shame is the hardest part I believe. For me it was like step-dad and daughter stuff and it’s just gross honestly. I don’t wanna wire the sexual part of my brain away from standard loving sex

@garden Yeah, I got a friend that worried about the same type of stuff you do. Me and her are like identical when it comes to OCD. She had discovered the whole step dad and step daughter thing at a really young age and the shame really gets to her when it shouldn't in the long run. You're gonna be alright. Don't let the shame get to you, for other people have seen these kind of things in the sense of fantasies. It's so powerful to see you say that you don't want pornography to merge into your natural sex life. Pornography is not natural like intimacy is. It's a producer. Things like these are exactly why I quit going onto those sites. My only trouble now is quitting softcore content and masturbating in general I guess. Trying to find better things to do with my time

when you say they want something different from what their used to what does that mean?

@holley This is what porn escalation is. From what Garden said, she didn't get the same kick as she did with vanilla porn, which I suppose is referring to casual sex with a man and a woman. Because she isn't getting the same thrill as she did with the casual porn, she may want something different to only get more of a rush with that particular thing. Kind of like your fantasy with lesbian porn even though you don't have an attraction to girls and wouldn't act on such. That's kind of how it works and that's basically what a lot of people including myself go through with watching porn. They essential want something more taboo, which means something they aren't used to watching or have never seen before under the category of porn.

@BigGip09 i know that i turned to lesbian porn for years because i was curious and now i get more aroused by those thoughts and things. i feel compelled by my ocd to act on it even though it doesn’t make me happy i’ve cried over it twice today.

@holley Yeah my OCD would want me to watch porn but I don't and haven't ever since I devoted to quit. Ever since I was thrown the true information on what it was behind the scenes. It's pretty disgusting overall but they don't care. It may make you happy in the moment but you feel like garbage after acting on it and it makes you break down. I'm not saying I won't want to watch things that are arousing to me but it's just not gonna be porn or on a porn site because it just doesn't turn me on anymore and you'll never know the full consent of the videos. And I don't want such fantasies to escalate again like it did when I was younger

@BigGip09 but why do i always cry and feel bad after fantasizing about that stuff ? like if it’s so arousing why do i do that? i stopped watching porn but still get urges to masturbate and watch it :/ and the arousal to it feels more intense than if i think of my boyfriend 😭

@holley Maybe that's just your OCD and you reacting to it. I didn't know you had a boyfriend, I'm sorry these thoughts are giving you that much distress. It arouses you because that's something that is intended to be sexual, so it's okay if you get groinals or feel aroused by the anxiety. Because of OCD, I've been confusing anxiety with true arousal since they have a lot in common. Masturbating is a pretty big compulsion of mine and I feel like I do it more for the reason just to do it rather than to get an orgasm. It's one or the other. You're not alone at all, I've felt this and thought I was alone. It's so reliving to see people talking about what porn does to their OCD and how it can affect people. This is one of the many things people are always ignorant or misinformed by

@BigGip09 i never really get anxious when i fantasize which is why i don’t think it’s a groinal at all. it genuinely feels like arousal 100%. but the reality kicks in after and i break down, sometimes for even hours. ESPECIALLY after i do it when i’m having sex with my boyfriend. it makes me feel so bad. i haven’t had a lesbian fantasy in a couple of weeks

@holley OCD loves to do that shit. It likes to kick in the second you're at a peak in how you feel, usually occuring with sexual activity. It's the worst. I usually don't have genuine sexual thoughts unless I'm aroused enough to do so, so usually they don't appear. What usually does cause me to ruminate is grey areas in my mistakes and the things I used to do in terms of intent. Have you talked to your boyfriend about this by any chance? I think that could help you a lot, to have a partner to talk about sexual things with.

@BigGip09 yes i do talk to him about it. it’s not much help i still question if i’m bisexual because it’s not a groinal it’s arousal and it arouses me more and my brain wants me to break up with him and go have sex with a girl. i think if i actually wanted to do that i wouldn’t care about being with him but that’s not what i desire. i know bisexuality doesn’t work that way, you don’t have to experiment with the same sex in order to know you like it or not which causes me to worry.

@holley That right there should be the answer to your worrying: If you didn't actually care about these problems and these thoughts, you would have already acted on them with no regrets. The fact that you care this much shows that you wouldn't do that and you aren't a bad person. Try sitting with those thoughts with uncertainty. Even with an answer you feel it isn't much help in order to move on from this whole thing. Let the thoughts come and go. It's natural for people to have homosexual thoughts whether they like it or not. I know I have them. I shouldn't be ashamed of things I can't control in my head.

@BigGip09 that really helped me a lot! do have discord or something we could dm on?

I’m sorry. I know a lot of girls watch lesbian porn even with boyfriends but with OCD it’s hard to accept that :(

@garden exactly just like a lot of girls find lesbian fantasies hot i feel like les porn and fantasies are pretty much the same i has an addiction to that type of porn so i know where all of that fantasy stuff orignates. the arousal to that stuff is more intense but causes distress after i finish so i’m trying not to read too much into it

@holley Honestly I think it’s just something different and taboo to you hence your brain finds it ‘sexier’ and stuff. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything about you or your sexuality.

@garden i just don’t want to be bisexual i’m really breaking down right now over it. but i think that’s probably true my brain is just taking what happens with the fantasy and makes me believe i want to act on it. i just feel like it means something about my sexual orientation. i know it probably doesn’t, given i was addicted to it for so many years.