I've been writing a lot here, but as long as it doesn't bother anyone it helps me a little, kinda like journaling my process. I've been stuck with my abuser because of lockdown, and my triggers are when i hear sounds or just anything related to it. I have been trying to expose myself to the constant noises, like i will hear footsteps and doors all the time and i think i need to get used to it. But as this is my biggest trigger it's difficult. If i hear other people it literally doesn't bother me at all...but i'm stuck with this high difficulty level. Today it was bad so i put on headphone with music, i really just had to escape because i couldn't handle it anymore. But right then, they turned on their aroma diffusor which they haven't used in years and i felt like i had no escape from the sensory triggers, it got so bad i ran outside. I know that i can do this, i HAVE to, but sometimes i feel like i have no place to retreat to when it gets this bad and i can't control this at all. I need to take some breaths inbetween and i can't do it, going through endless anxiety spikes. I'll try to think of something and try again tomorrow.

Oh my god that sounds awful! And to have ocd on top of this situation is absolutely terrible. I’m so sorry. If you have ANY way out of this situation, anyone else you can stay with, even temporarily, please do. I know if can feel hard and awkward and inconvenient and vulnerable to ask for this help, but you should not be stuck with an abuser. Now or ever. In terms of what to do during these episodes: taking a break is perfectly acceptable. In this case it’s not avoidance because you know you’re coming back. It’s just a break. Also, I have an exercise I can share: when you’re triggered with something, feel where it is in your body (maybe it’s in your stomach, your chest, your head, your throat, etc) and feel that sensation for a few seconds. Describe it to yourself (maybe it’s hot, or tight, or tingly.) Then look around the room. Find an object that’s neutral, that makes you feel nothing, and focus on that. Once the triggering feeling returns, acknowledge it again where it is and how it feels, then look around the room again until you find something else neutral. And repeat. You can also do this with your body: say the trigger is stuck in your chest, scan your body for somewhere it’s not. Maybe your hip feels neutral. Focus on that. When the trigger returns, acknowledge it and scan for another neutral part. This can help you broaden your awareness of more feelings than JUST the trigger. The more you focus on the trigger and only the trigger, the larger it gets. But if we can slowly incorporate more feelings, we can get just a little more balance. And that can help you breath easier. It won’t get rid of it, and that’s not the goal. The goal is to make space for other feelings too. The goal is to see and feel other things, neutral things, so your world can get a little bigger and less scary.

Thank you a lot for your kind reply! :) I have friends and family, but they don't believe in ocd so my only other option is staying on the streets which i did for a while. But this is all very depressing and hard on me and i try to not dwell on this aspect. Also i have been doing okay so far, it's just some days like today when i literally freak out from anxiety spikes because i feel like i can't retreat. I've been outside jogging for 10 minutes and i'll try to make some time for other things that calm me down from anxiety or just endure, like what you described. I've never tried this before so i look forward to testing it. Again thank you so much. Staying positive is key for me :)