I wish I had OCD so bad so that none of my feelings were my true feelings and so that none of my thoughts were my true thoughts. My therapist thinks it’s OCD, but I know it’s not. Anxiety? Not there. Compulsions? Not there. Intrusive thoughts? No, because there is a natural progression of thoughts. They don’t just pop out of nowhere. I honestly can’t handle the way I apparently feel. I can’t handle knowing that I don’t love anyone and never have. I can’t handle that I have this supportive and loving family who I just want around because I need them to love ME. I can’t handle that I’m this selfish person who has pushed her mother into a depressive episode because her own daughter doesn’t love her. I don’t want to leave, because I don’t know how to live my life without my family. And if I’ve never loved anyone, I never will love anyone. And what is life without love? I can’t handle all of this guilt, but letting go of it leads to me leaving my family and they don’t deserve that!!! What did they do to deserve a daughter who doesn’t love them and who leaves them because...well I don’t even really know why exactly. I’m just someone who lacks the ability to love, but needs everyone to love ME. I can’t handle that. It’s too sad. I want to go back to when I was ignorant to this. I don’t think I can live like this. And I’m sorry for posting on an ocd forum about it, but no one understands.

She diagnosed me with ocd when I was 12 years old, because I had an intrusive thought about hurting my dog and I thought that meant I was a murderer and I couldn’t live anymore. But at the time I had no anxiety, no compulsions, and the intrusive thoughts didn’t keep coming I just thought having that thought meant I was a bad person, because I didn’t know everyone got intrusive thoughts. I just reconnected with this therapist, because I’ve always felt comfortable with her and I’ve been really struggling trying to understand why I have this idea or urge or whatever it is to leave my family. It’s not like a thought that just swoops in and shocks me. It’s just this feeling like something is wrong and I’m running out of time. There are reasons it started, namely my family and I had different political views. But then when we talked those things out i should have been able to move past it with understanding. But then i started thinking all kinds of things like maybe they’re bad people, maybe I don’t really love them, maybe I do love the rest of my family but I just don’t love my mom, I think I don’t really care about anyone I just want them to care about me. And all of these things are just natural thought progression, not intrusive thoughts. I want them to be intrusive, because then there’s a solution. But as of right now, there are only two solutions that stand out to me and I don’t like either of them. The first, I leave and cut ties with my family because for no real reason whatsoever I must deep down want to. The problem with this: I’m selfish and I still want them to love me and I need a support system and I’m scared to be on my own. Also, it makes me a godawful person to do that to my family. The second, I kill myself. The problem with this: I don’t really want to die. I’m scared of dying. And again, my family would suffer. I’ve tried ERP, but that didn’t work it just made me genuinely believe what I didn’t want to believe. I’m on medication for OCD and everyone is wondering why it’s not getting better at all, it’s because it’s not OCD. I want it to be so badly. SO BAD. But i just KNOW it’s not. It’s a gut feeling. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I’m this selfish person who just wants people to love and take care of her, but fails at loving others, but it seems like that’s what’s going on. Or I just don’t love my mom and that’s almost worse because she’s a wonderful person (with lots of flaws of course, but what mom doesn’t have flaws) who loves me unconditionally and she’s already dealt with a lot of bad things in her life. She doesn’t deserve to have a daughter that doesn’t love her for no real reason.

@Anon4 ohh, you're MegB, i remember you, i thought you had gone off this app. anyways, i think we can both agree that both of these solutions won't bring about any change. by the way you said your family would suffer if you killed yourself, so maybe think a little about what you said there because you continued to claim you don't actually love your family. if you didn't love your family you wouldn't care about whether they suffer or not. you say this isn't ocd, well if you have the gut feeling that it isn't then i believe you. i know how gut feelings are, but a mental health professional would be best at answering that anyways. do you KNOW that you don't love your family etc all these other thoughts you mentioned? like are you sure? im saying this because no matter how real our ocd fears can feel i think we all deep down understand they're false (im not saying this applies to all everyone is different). if you, as MegB, are confident that this isn't ocd then i suggest you talk this out with a regular psychologist maybe. this could be a sign of some other mental health problem, who knows. however don't cancel out the possibility of this being ocd. mental disorders are a complicated thing. and take all that i said with a grain of salt because im not a professional and i just want to help. i hope you find peace, you're a great person even if you personally think the opposite.

@feethebee Yeah, I changed my name because I was ashamed of not having ocd and still staying on the app and I didn’t think I would post again. But I did, obviously. No, I don’t KNOW I don’t love my family and I don’t know for sure that I don’t love my mom, but I feel like it’s true. I don’t want it to be true, but I think that’s just because I’m selfish and don’t want them to stop loving me. I’m so confused. Thank you for responding again.

@Anon4 why do you say you don't have ocd though? your - descriptive - bio seems to imply the opposite, plus you have been diagnosed. either way this could be ocd. but it could also be something else. i believe that having one more mental condition as well as ocd can complicate ocd, but that's just a thought. at the end of the day rumination and certain intrusive thoughts can sometimes also be tied to other mental health problems not just ocd, from what i know. it depends on the case. you're evidently in a dark place and you deserve to get the help you need so i strongly suggest you talk this out with some mental health professional or your current therapist but you said she insists it's ocd but erp doesn't work for you so i don't know. a different approach might be needed. also i don't know about others but id be glad to talk to you again so if you ever feel the need to post something here then do it. it's not like someone will judge you for doing so. this is a safe space.

@feethebee I forgot my bio was still there. I wrote that when I was still trying to convince myself it was ocd. I say I don’t have ocd for several big reasons. A) I don’t have anxiety. B) I don’t actually have compulsions. C) I don’t have intrusive thoughts. I mean, I do, but I just kinda find them disturbing and then move on like everyone else without ocd. And they’re not about this. With this situation it didn’t come out of the blue, it just feels like my regular thoughts and there’s a thought progression. D) I tried the gold standard treatment for ocd and I couldn’t really identify any triggers and all it did was prove to me that it wasn’t ocd E) medication isn’t helping either because there’s no intrusive thoughts to get rid of

@Anon4 you still said you did many compulsions though. in your bio that you now removed you mentioned that you used to ruminate thinking you were beating ocd - or whatever you were going through. maybe you've been doing compulsions without realizing it? and anxiety doesn't always mean oh my god im worried it can also mean im scared as hell because of my thoughts. you also said you struggled with multiple themes so,, i don't know. is there a reason why your therapist insists it's ocd?

@feethebee I thought I was doing compulsions and I thought I had multiple themes, but I don’t think any of it was ocd. She thinks it’s ocd because my thought patterns are obsessive and she thinks I’m having delusions. I hope to god I am cause otherwise what’s the point

@Anon4 could be. we aren't the ones to tell apparently. i hope you find peace within you.