Did a tarot card reading that made me cry because the results were reversed 8 of swords and reversed 3 of wands. So about keeping yourself paralyzed and frustration, holding oneself back I did it on a topic that I know I’ve made a huge deal of because of my OCD And when I do tarot I’m always afraid it’s telling me to do the first thing I don’t want to do. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that with a sensitive subject to me.

so like i was like researching spirituality and i saw that when spiritual awakening happens you kind of question yourself and your values then i saw a shadow work video and they said if you judge someone its because somewhere deep down youre like them , so im scared what if im a pedo and someone did a tarot reading on me once and i dont really remember the exact words but they mentioned something about how im avoiding the truth or something like that and the first thing that came to my mind was being a pedo and incest and recently ive been ignoring all the thoughts cause i was exhausted from doing so many compulsions then i got scared that if i go to therapy they will just tell me what i want to hear. im so scared

so I scheduled my free call today, then I had this anxiety that maybe I shouldn't do this, I dont have ocd, im faking it all, blah blah. So I canceled it- fear that I'll waste there time and yeah. I also fear I'll get locked into paying for something I dont need even though this call is free, and also think i was lying to them for attention as I think all my symptoms are fake and it's all in my head and im just dramatic😅 Idk if this was a mistake or not, I want to know i rlly do but that nagging fear is stopping me.(sorry if i repeated anything)

This is gonna be a long one: So a little over a month and a half ago, my OCD started to spiral again. I’ve had ups and downs with it in the past, my main themes often changing. When I was younger it as afraid I’d run away, in middle school it was germs. But as I got older I started having intrusive thoughts of the meaning of life, suicide, and dying, with those fears being my common themes now I’ve gotten a lot better since it started back up, but lately have been panicking because I’ve had intrusive thoughts that my methods of trying to heal are wrong. I’m 21, and for the last 3 years have lacked ambition and haven’t pursued my dreams or things I want to do. I just sleep, work, eat junk food, and play games or watch YouTube on my time off. Things I still love, but after years of living this way, I’ve hit a breaking point and want to start doing more with my life and the people in it Yet, almost EVERY new thing I’ve been trying to do or start, I’ve been having thoughts that they’re wrong or won’t help. Here’s some examples: I’ve started trying to eat a bit healthier, and my brain is telling me it’s not gonna fix me and I’m just avoiding food I like (junk I know makes me tired and sad). Then the moment I indulge in even one unhealthy food item, it tells me I’m failing at taking better care of myself and that junk food just numbs the feelings Same with video games. I tell myself it’s okay to play them as long as it’s not to avoid anything or they don’t take up my life like they have been. The second I do I feel guilty, say it’s cheap dopamine and hindering me from being productive and that I’m numbing my feelings again Same story for everything. Trying to walk and go outside more. Head tells me I’m avoiding being home because it makes me anxious. Then when I stay home it tells me I’m wasting time I could be spending outside or with people I love I’ll wanna spend time with my family or friends because I’ve been a hermit for years and miss spending time with them. When I try to, head tells me I can’t because then I’m avoiding the issues I have and seeking reassurance, and that I need to learn to tolerate this alone. But then when I stay home too long, I get anxious and sad because it does make me happy being around them even if I’m not seeking reassurance, and they genuinely do help me feel better (for example I saw my grandparents last night and talked about my feelings and desire to actually go out and live life, and they helped me understand uncertainty is part of life and I should do things I want anyways and even helped come up with things I may like to try doing. Now my brain tells me it’s bad to get help or open up about my pain) I’ll have racing thoughts in my head and I’ll be arguing with myself over rather it’s better to face them head on, ignore them, or let them run their course. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m feeling guilty and shame for it. As if any attempt at feeling pleasure or doing something that makes me happy is “avoiding the problem”, like I HAVE to focus on my intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and sadness 24/7 otherwise I’m “avoiding/burying it again” I know not to avoid these things and it’s best to confront them (if they’re real problems I have like relationship issues and insecurities and loneliness) and learn to tolerate the anxiety and uncertainty of life and OCD, but my attempts at “helping myself” are quite literally what I feel is currently keeping me so miserable. They’re sucking whatever joy I have in life out, telling me it’s bad, and that I have to feel this way all the time so I can “learn to tolerate it” I’m just so scared of doing all of this wrong, and I think my OCD I knows that and is currently using that to toy with me. I want to be healthier and happier, but then I feel guilt and fear for not being healthy 24/7 and indulging in not healthy things like video games and the occasional junk food. Anybody else ever felt this way?