I really don’t know if this is common or not but I’m too scared to google it. Basically I’m quite introverted and scared of judgement etc. Being the centre of attention is scary. But at the same time, I crave attention and validation a lot. Like in class, for example, I WANT to be picked on when I have a good answer because I will feel validated. But it’s also very scary having everyone look at me. And I just don’t know. Like I’m shy and awkward but also I like it when people notice and perceive me (if it’s not in a terrible way). It makes me so anxious though and makes me feel vain. It’s easy to tell myself to stop caring about what people think, but it’s hard to practise that without still ‘craving validation’ as such.

Thank god it’s not just me. It’s so hard and difficult to navigate. It also doesn’t help that on Reddit and stuff I read some things about this that have sense me spiralling

@garden sent me ***

@garden i think you should delete reddit. or use it as erp and get used to the anxiety until it subsides !

@bambam_ I will deffo delete it; so so triggering :(

I’m just really scared that I’m like a narcissist with social anxiety or something :((

@garden Sounds like your OCD but I'm scared too trying to calm down

@BigGip09 You’re worried too??

@BigGip09 I’m sorry if I made you anxious

@garden No it's not your fault I'm worrying about my own thoughts

@BigGip09 Could I help?

@garden I'm not sure it just feels real because it might be I'm trying to do ERP

@BigGip09 That’s awesome. What’s your ERP exercise?

@garden Writing all of the words that trigger me and trying to sit with the uncertainty of it all and maybe agree with them

@BigGip09 Well done! These things can be hard but are so worth it

@garden It wasn't easy at all, and I got exposure from something even more crazy but I sat with it.

@BigGip09 Are you proud of yourself?

@garden I feel better than I did a few nights ago, but the worries are still up in the background

@BigGip09 Yeah I totally get that. I think exposure takes practise

@garden It's just a tad bit harder with real Event

@BigGip09 Real event can be incredibly difficult. Something I’ve struggled with too. At the end of the day though, the past is the past. Though I completely recognise how hard that is to accept when dealing with OCD

@garden Yeah, that along with false memories too. I often ruminate about the sexting I did as a minor and the porn I've watched. Someone on here has told me that as long as it was on legal sites which it was, then I shouldn't worry about anything. And I'm not actively seeking out anything dangerous all the time. I don't even watch porn anymore. And I've been trying to stop doing compulsions to try and make myself feel better because I've been mixing it up with exposure because it used to make me feel better but now it doesn't.

@BigGip09 I could reassure you about that past event but I know it wouldn’t help in the long run! I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this though. OCD loses its grip when we practise ERP and cut out compulsions but honestly I myself find both those things incredibly difficult so I’m proud of you for going for it.

@garden Thanks for being there for me. I feel like with the reassurance I'll feel better but only short term. I think the ERP and accepting uncertainty is helping me in the long run though. Majorly I want to stop ruminating over it.

@BigGip09 The quote ‘short term pain for long term gain’ helps with ERP :)

@garden Lately I've been getting guilt for things I did in my teen years. Mostly it has to do with the porn I've watched ever since I was 14

@BigGip09 And will this guilt contribute to any great changes for you, or is it just a way to practise compulsions so you can feel momentarily happy? Ya know? Side note but I really love Mark Freeman (his Instagram account and his YouTube videos) and I’ve learned so much from him so you should check him out :)