I think I've had a breakthrough. (Long post, TL;DR; at the end) When I was 20 I fell in love with this girl, lets call her Mary. I had liked Mary from when I was young. I remember us playing and talking to each other. I remember I'd think about her throughout school. She lived in a different town and I didn't see her often, but she was one of the first girls I had wanted a physical relationship with. Fast forward to when I was 20: We reconnected when she came to visit me and my family. We had a little date where I took her out for a walk around my town, we had coffee and shared some biscuits. She even wrote me a list of places I should see in her town, which I later moved to. I began thinking of her day and night. I wanted to be with her. For a long time I had fantasized about her a lot and had a major crush on her always, but I can't say I loved her. When I moved to her town, I tried asking her out again. We hung out a few times, but never a date. I started seeing this other girl (lets call her Jennifer), but we broke it off after a while. I think it was mostly the physical aspect that I looked for in that relationship. After her there was another girl, who I didn't feel attracted to, so that ended. After all this I tried again with Mary and we did end up going out once, but she ghosted on me. I got the message and didn't bother her again. My friendship with her, I felt, was important and didn't want to lose her. It was more important for me that she was happy the was she chose to be happy. The thing is that, by that time (about 5 years in) in my eyes she was kind of... The "one". Also, I was still - theoretically - a virgin. Between work and school, there was not much time left for my personal life. I got depression because I couldn't find love and started comparing myself to other men and was eventually lead to impotence and 0 sex drive. I couldn't even fall in love because there was something blocking me. A year later was when my HOCD kicked in and the time since then has been hell. I'm getting all these intrusive thoughts. I'm reminded of all the stupid shit I did when I was a kid. And I even get flashbacks that don't even seem real. TL;DR; Fell in love with a girl who I had a crush on since I was 11. I considered her to be my "one". I pursued her for a long time, but nothing ever happened. I ended up heart borken, depressed and lonely. Question Could it be that Mary was indeed my "one" and I have lost the desire to harbor feelings for another woman? Could it be that my brain created this OCD theme to keep me from pursuing another love to protect me from a potential heart-break?

pluto

Date posted: 6y

It's possible maybe but I don't know if it's helpful to try to find certainty in what caused it as that could turn to an obsession itself and you'll never be sure you know? Perhaps discuss in therapy?

Skudlarek

Date posted: 6y

I would say there are a few reasons why you are experiencing this. Your OCD likely contributed to the matter as well. For instance, I know a lot of people who first take an SSRI experience sexual dysfunction, but this was the complete opposite in my case because my own OCD had destroyed my sex drive and the SSRI brought it back. This is just an example of my own experience, but the constant analysis and obsession over your sexuality in particular may have really burned you out and cause decreased interest in sex along with ED. The way you describe being unable to fall in love, especially when you were depressed, makes it seem possible to me that this is part of the reason for your decreased interest in relationships. As for your OCD creating the theme to protect you from another heartbreak, I really am not sure. It is certainly possible, but scientists barely understand the mechanisms behind OCD, much less the effects of it on the subconscious. I don’t believe you have lost your desire to harbor feelings for another woman at all, and I just think you are still affected by the loss of Mary and your OCD is not helping at all. I hope this helped and I understood where you were coming from :)

deputydean

Date posted: 6y

Both of you sound right. Im not really sure if I can see a therapist, but I'll ask a friend of mine who studied psychology in college. I guess you're right in that I shouldn't be digging to find the origin here, @pluto. And I really thank you for your insight @Skudlarek. I don't take SSRIs, but perhaps I should consider taking one. I'm only taking 5-htp. The thing you say about the constant analysis is true. It certainly made things worse than they were to begin with. I've always wanted to find that one woman and spend my life with her. I never really fancied sleeping around. I do think so too, that I am still affected by the loss. I keep catching myself comparing every woman to her. I suppose I should give myself some time.

deputydean

Date posted: 6y

Also, could it be that I lost all hope and that's why I got ED?

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond