- Username
- deputydean
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It's possible maybe but I don't know if it's helpful to try to find certainty in what caused it as that could turn to an obsession itself and you'll never be sure you know? Perhaps discuss in therapy?
I would say there are a few reasons why you are experiencing this. Your OCD likely contributed to the matter as well. For instance, I know a lot of people who first take an SSRI experience sexual dysfunction, but this was the complete opposite in my case because my own OCD had destroyed my sex drive and the SSRI brought it back. This is just an example of my own experience, but the constant analysis and obsession over your sexuality in particular may have really burned you out and cause decreased interest in sex along with ED. The way you describe being unable to fall in love, especially when you were depressed, makes it seem possible to me that this is part of the reason for your decreased interest in relationships. As for your OCD creating the theme to protect you from another heartbreak, I really am not sure. It is certainly possible, but scientists barely understand the mechanisms behind OCD, much less the effects of it on the subconscious. I don’t believe you have lost your desire to harbor feelings for another woman at all, and I just think you are still affected by the loss of Mary and your OCD is not helping at all. I hope this helped and I understood where you were coming from :)
Both of you sound right. Im not really sure if I can see a therapist, but I'll ask a friend of mine who studied psychology in college. I guess you're right in that I shouldn't be digging to find the origin here, @pluto. And I really thank you for your insight @Skudlarek. I don't take SSRIs, but perhaps I should consider taking one. I'm only taking 5-htp. The thing you say about the constant analysis is true. It certainly made things worse than they were to begin with. I've always wanted to find that one woman and spend my life with her. I never really fancied sleeping around. I do think so too, that I am still affected by the loss. I keep catching myself comparing every woman to her. I suppose I should give myself some time.
Also, could it be that I lost all hope and that's why I got ED?
I’ve reached a breaking point and people seem to be noticing. A week ago somebody had moved something at work on my desk and it bothered me so much it sent me into a breakdown. Like I’ve always had ocd and the more I think about it I feel like I’ve always had ROCD because growing up I’d have such strong feelings for boys and then as soon as I was about to date them, cut them off because in my head I was scared they would have to settle. Like I’d purposely find something I don’t like about them and then get scared I’d have to spend my life with them. I was 15, why would I be marrying them??? in my head it made sense though. Every connection I had with a boy was alway ruined with these thoughts. I’d be out on a date and then see another cute boy and then be like wow do I really want to go any further with the guy I’m on a date with if there are so many other guys out there??? How do I know they’re the one?? I didn’t even know ROCD was a thing but it makes sense that I’ve had it all my life right?? I always passed it off as being really picky but now it just seems like ROCD. And then my family really honing in on my relationships and asking when I’d get a boyfriend really fucked with me. In my head I’d be like “I’ll get one when I find the right one” but to them I always had a feeling they thought I was just gay. Like I’d get so defensive like hello I’m just picky!!! Then everyone at work started asking and the more they’d ask the more I’d start to worry. I’d be more cautious of the way I’d dress and things I’d do and I’m starting to think that all that started to build up and now I have HOCD. Does that seem like a possibility to anyone? because now the intrusive thoughts are just “what if you’re not picky and you’re just gay?” but then I think back to all the times and all the feelings I’ve had for so many guys that got ruined because of my fears of commitment. Could it have been ROCD all along?
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
I’m looking for others out there that might be similar to me. I was 25(m), infatuated with a new gf. I had a performance issue. Next morning I woke up with the FEELING that “you don’t feel anything for this girl”. And the anxiety that came with it. I felt sick to my core. Enter 3-6 months of obsessively figuring out why. It made no sense. I was infatuated with this girl, I was so happy, so confident, I could see such an awesome future with her. But once the feeling of “you feel nothing for her” stuck, I felt I had to break up. But why? During this 3-6 months it felt like I lost all positive feelings, like I could no longer be attracted to women (or anything). Nothing mattered except figuring out why I had lost feeling? I remember thinking it wasn’t fair that I’d been robbed of my ability to be happy and to love. Googling everything, asking friends etc. it consumed my every waking hour. During my obsessing, I had this random question - “are you actually gay?” Enter obsessively figuring out wether I was actually gay. I was 26. I had never even considered I was gay. I think I had crushes on girls, I certainly fantasised about them and was much more shy around them than guys. Put simply - I had never thought of a guy as anything other than a mate. This obsession changed to kind of “I FEEL gay”. It was/is like deep down I believe I am gay, despite never seemingly being attracted to guys before. I’m now 35 and this same obsession has been with me on and off. I’m now seeking treatment. Question - most of the online resources call out that ‘deep down’ you know you’re not gay. What if deep down there is a FEELING like you are? Can an obsession be a feeling? Can HOCD convince you that you ARE gay rather than just question? I’d love to hear anyone similar.
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