I think I've had a breakthrough. (Long post, TL;DR; at the end) When I was 20 I fell in love with this girl, lets call her Mary. I had liked Mary from when I was young. I remember us playing and talking to each other. I remember I'd think about her throughout school. She lived in a different town and I didn't see her often, but she was one of the first girls I had wanted a physical relationship with. Fast forward to when I was 20: We reconnected when she came to visit me and my family. We had a little date where I took her out for a walk around my town, we had coffee and shared some biscuits. She even wrote me a list of places I should see in her town, which I later moved to. I began thinking of her day and night. I wanted to be with her. For a long time I had fantasized about her a lot and had a major crush on her always, but I can't say I loved her. When I moved to her town, I tried asking her out again. We hung out a few times, but never a date. I started seeing this other girl (lets call her Jennifer), but we broke it off after a while. I think it was mostly the physical aspect that I looked for in that relationship. After her there was another girl, who I didn't feel attracted to, so that ended. After all this I tried again with Mary and we did end up going out once, but she ghosted on me. I got the message and didn't bother her again. My friendship with her, I felt, was important and didn't want to lose her. It was more important for me that she was happy the was she chose to be happy. The thing is that, by that time (about 5 years in) in my eyes she was kind of... The "one". Also, I was still - theoretically - a virgin. Between work and school, there was not much time left for my personal life. I got depression because I couldn't find love and started comparing myself to other men and was eventually lead to impotence and 0 sex drive. I couldn't even fall in love because there was something blocking me. A year later was when my HOCD kicked in and the time since then has been hell. I'm getting all these intrusive thoughts. I'm reminded of all the stupid shit I did when I was a kid. And I even get flashbacks that don't even seem real. TL;DR; Fell in love with a girl who I had a crush on since I was 11. I considered her to be my "one". I pursued her for a long time, but nothing ever happened. I ended up heart borken, depressed and lonely. Question Could it be that Mary was indeed my "one" and I have lost the desire to harbor feelings for another woman? Could it be that my brain created this OCD theme to keep me from pursuing another love to protect me from a potential heart-break?

I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now

Looking back, my introverted nature and struggles to find belonging in high school may have set the stage for how OCD would later impact my relationships. I had my first relationship in high school, but OCD wasn’t a major factor then. It wasn’t until my longest relationship—six years from age 18 to 24—that OCD really took hold. The relationship itself wasn’t the issue; it was what happened after. When it ended, I became obsessed with confessing past mistakes, convinced I had to be completely transparent. Even when my partner was willing to work past them, I couldn’t let go of the intrusive thoughts, and that obsession landed me in the hospital. From there, my struggle with ROCD (Relationship OCD) fully emerged. For years, every time I tried to move forward in dating, doubts consumed me. I would start seeing someone and feel fine, but then the questions would creep in: Do I really like her? Do I find her attractive? Is she getting on my nerves? What if I’m with the wrong person? I’d break things off, thinking I was following my true feelings. But then I’d question: Was that really how I felt, or was it just OCD? I tried again and again, each time hoping I could “withstand it this time,” only to fall back into the same cycle. The back and forth hurt both me and the person I was with. By the time I realized it was ROCD, the damage had been done, and I still hadn’t built the tools to manage it. Now, at 28, I know I need to approach dating differently. I recently talked to someone from a dating app, and my OCD still showed up—questioning my every move, making me doubt my own decisions. I haven’t yet done ERP specifically for ROCD, but I know that’s my next step. Just like I’ve learned tools for managing my other OCD subtypes, I need a set of strategies for when intrusive doubts hit in relationships. My goal this year is to stop letting uncertainty control me—to learn how to sit with doubt instead of trying to “figure it out.” I want to break the cycle and be able to build something healthy without my OCD sabotaging it. I know I’m not alone in this, and I know healing is possible. I’m hopeful that working with a therapist will help me develop exposures and thought loops to practice. I don’t expect to eliminate doubt entirely—after all, doubt is a part of every relationship—but I want to reach a place where it doesn’t paralyze me. Where I can move forward without constantly questioning whether I should. And where I can be in a relationship without feeling like OCD is pulling the strings. I would appreciate hearing about your experiences with ROCD. Please share your thoughts or any questions in the comments below. I’d love to connect and offer my perspective. Thanks!

Hello, I unknowingly have lived with ROCD or OCD (not sure what one. I’m new to this). It has ruined so many amazing romantic and platonic relationships and I am so sad that just now I am finding out what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe life would be different if I have known. My OCD and anxiety is at an all time high (ATH) due to some horrible events that have happened in the recent months. I am at the point where paranoia has taken over my life now. I had my first panic attack a few weeks ago where I fainted. My anxiety attacks are so extreme I go thought cognitive distortion that has lasted days. My girlfriend of 3 years is my emotional guardian and she no long has the energy to be that and honestly it’s not her responsibility to be that. She is bi and wanted to have an open relationship and for someone who has OCD this has not been good for me. She also was assaulted in my own home by a good friend of ours when I was out of town but it’s not a clear situation because it sounded consensual at first. I just left my very high paying job. I am financially secure but the job was emotionally abusive and looking back made my OCD worse. I am taking some time off to get my head right…but now, all I have to do during the day is live in my OCD. I’m very happy I finally figured out why I act the way I do but I don’t know if I can get better quick enough to save my relationship. I have never been so worried about myself (M 28 years old). I am a confident young professional and never thought I would be writing on a page like this. Anyway…I hope it gets better.