Please help I feel like a horrible human being. I’ve never cheated on my partner but I almost did 5 years ago. I was in another country and I got blackout drunk. I was walked to my hotel room by a woman I didn’t know. The next day she talked to my cousin and told him what happened. She also told him that I was talking about my girlfriend the whole night but I can’t help but think that I was too drunk to think straight and reject her had she tried to hook up with me. I know I didn’t initiate anything but what if I’m my mind I thought about cheating? What if I wanted to and we didn’t because she was a good person and knew I had a girlfriend? I feel so horrible about this incident and I wish I could go back in time and not get that drunk. I know for a fact that nothing happened but what were my intentions that night? I can’t figure it out and it’s driving me insane. Please help

You’re so right bro but it’s so fucking hard because I feel like I’m living a lie sometimes you know? I feel like my fiancé might be marrying a cheater and that breaks my heart. I don’t want this to end up being true and finding out years down the line when we have kids and a house and fucking everything up. I guess I’m afraid to waste her time

Thanks for replying. I remember waking up the next day full of guilt because my girlfriend had texted me all night with messages like “are you okay?”, “I’m worried you didn’t let me know you got back safe”, “I’m scared something happened to you” etc. I felt so bad. What if I was so drunk that I was okay with cheating? I know that I would never do that but I was so drunk I don’t remember anything. It’s been 5 years and it’s still causing me as much anxiety even though I know that nothing happened. I get so anxious over what was going through my mind at that time. Did I want to hook up with her? Was I going to throw away my relationship for one night? Am I a cheater that didn’t cheat because she was too nice to take advantage of me or because she felt guilty I had a girlfriend? It makes me feel like I would’ve done it and it didn’t happen because that girl was a good person and I wasn’t. I feel like I don’t deserve my girlfriend

@One Day at a time Trust me I currently feel like I don’t deserve my boyfriend either but like I said we will get through this. Cheating ocd is no laughing joke it makes you feel like the worst person on Earth but we cant let something minor affect us now you’re five years in with your girlfriend im barely seven months in with my boyfriend. Think about it what purpose does this serve us? No purpose what so ever it never bothered us before “cuz it supposedly might have happened” so why is it bothering us now

@Ella___ You’re right.. I’m glad you’re dealing with it now. It’s been 5 years for me and the details are even more foggy than they were before. I’m glad you didn’t wait as long to seek help like I did

Dude yes.. I also some have thought that I may have suppressed the memory. Or also that I just didn’t care about it until now. I wonder if I was a horrible person and just went on with my life because I didn’t care about it until now. Wow I’m glad u guys responded I feel like I’m not crazy anymore

@One Day at a time It’s crazy how similar our OCD is! This just shows us how crazy OCD can be and convincing... however it’s more common when we think. I read your post above and agree with what the others said. OCD targets uncertainty and if your theme revolves around your relationship, it’s going to go ham on any experience like this. But don’t indulge it, ruminate, Or look for answers. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me too. I’m constantly getting random thoughts, being triggered, etc. but I’m really trying for my sake. OCD is evil and can be powerful but we’re MORE POWERFUL

@Caree Yes dude I feel like I have several events that rotates around trying to convince me that I cheated or flirted or something. Once I prove one wrong then the next one comes up until I make it through all of them. Then the original event throws a slightly different “what if” question and the cycle repeats.. shit is exhausting and is ruining my relationship

@One Day at a time Same!!! My therapist once said “it’s never enough for OCD” once you prove something wrong or feel better about it after ruminating or doing some kind of other compulsion, the thought comes back even stronger. The craziest thing is my bf knows about all of this and has literally given me reassurance he won’t leave me, etc. and is supportive but that’s still not enough for OCD

@Caree I feel like the universe copied and pasted our lives lmaooo. I’ve told my fiancé every single thought. Every single scenario and every single worry. It was actually a compulsion. I couldn’t continue my day without confessing. She also has told me that even if any of them are true she forgives me and she knows the kind of person I am today. She says that if anything happened it was in the past and I should try to move on. I’m the one that can’t seem to let it go not her. I guess OCD makes me feel guilty because I feel like she’s giving me a free pass because she thinks it’s OCD and if it was actually something that I really did she would leave me. What really helps me is something I heard on the internet which said “you will never know with 100% certainty, maybe you did cheat or maybe you didn’t. There is no point in living your life in a what if world. If it ever comes to light with 100% proof that you did cheat then that is when You’ll deal with the consequences.” I wish this app had chats for people with similar themes. It’s so hard to find people that truly understand the amount of stress and anxiety we go through on a daily basis.

@One Day at a time This is soooo helpful. I literally did the same and feel the same. It’s almost scary. Like how similar. Right now I’m struggling because right now I was triggered by seeing some random person (this happens a lot) and I think so they look familiar to me? Do they look like someone I could’ve hooked up while talking to my bf? It’s so random and annoying. It literally happens with everything: smells, people (people that don’t even look alike), songs, things people say, memories, it’s everything that triggers me to think I slept with someone while talking to my bf. It’s awful. Sorry I’m venting about it I just feel like you are the closest to anyone who has ever understood this. And I’ve been struggling with it consistently for 2 months and I just wish it would go away. My bf and I are in love, have set plans for the future, and if I didn’t have this OCD, everything would be perfect. But this puts such a strain. At first he wasn’t so accepting because he didn’t like the idea of me sleeping with someone while we were talking (because he was like how could you not know if you did that) but I had to explain that I truly didn’t know and the whole concept of false memories. And he now understands and accepts me but I constantly need reassurance from him, evidence against the thought, and to overthink everything. I’m tired of it.

@Caree I am going off of my meds and have been tapering quickly myself so that could be a reason why everything is triggering me?

@Caree Don’t feel bad for venting at all this is helping me out as well. I just got triggered because I saw a tik tok that said that when we have sex with someone in our dreams they are actually demons that are trying to take life away from us and that caused me to spiral into thinking if I’ve ever dreamt about having sex with someone else. This led me to remember that months ago my ROCD caused me to think I liked someone else and I was struggling with that for a while even though I knew I didn’t. I don’t know why but I got scared that I found this person sexually attractive so I (like an idiot) thought it would be a good idea to picture myself having sex with them and see how I felt about it. I literally pictured it for less than a second and I became engulfed by anxiety and guilt. I didn’t get any groinal response of anything just a horrible feeling. I already knew I didn’t but I don’t know why I felt like I had to be sure. I feel so horrible for even picturing this and I felt so guilty that I confessed I did this to my girlfriend today. She’s honestly getting fed up with my confession and I don’t blame her. I can’t imagine what it’s like to put up with me. I’m scared I keep pushing her away with these compulsions. I don’t know how to stop confessing though :/

@One Day at a time Now that image is stuck in my mind and it’s eating me alive fml

@One Day at a time I hope I’m not triggering you! This sounds like clear cut OCD. If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you struggled with ROCD? Have you found any particular coping strategies or ERP that are helpful? I don’t want to give your reassurance or anything but it doesn’t sound like you did it’s just your OCD. I do the same though, I confess to my bf just in case it comes true so he knows ahead of time and to get that reassurance from him but it’s a dangerous cycle. I don’t wanna push him away. I can understand from their point of views how this could be draining for them, but really trying to sit with the anxiety will help us build that resistance to letting OCD in and will maintain our relationships. It’s so much easier said than done and I am struggling so much with it. I am struggling a lot with it today and can barely focus at work and already feel like when I go home I’m gonna indulge in serious rumination but I’m reallllly really trying.

@Caree Its strange though because I know its not true you know but because I no longer have those dms to go back to I can’t prove it to myself anymore I know I deleted them because Ive done this before I go check and then im like okay im good and I know I deleted them because I was like alright I did nothing bad it serves ni purpose but the what if is what kills me I have no false memories of speaking to him while with my boyfriend in fact I know that I didnt but the feelings of guilt and fear are there which makes me feel like I did do such thing and the thing is my cheating ocd began literally 5 days ago

@Caree I think I’ve been dealing with ROCD for maybe 2-3 years but I had no idea until 4 months ago. I would brush off the thoughts before but when the cheating OCD started to get stronger I began to have bigger ROCD. Thoughts like “if I cheated then that means I didn’t love my partner” began to eat at me. I also struggled with a horrible porn addiction since I was 14 (I’m now 26) which lead me to believe that I didn’t love my partner either. This has also brought us a lot of hardship to our relationship because I hid it from her. I feel like I’ve fucked this up way too much. I’ve hurt her so much and my ROCD latches on to that and says “you see? You wouldn’t do that to someone you love”. The only thing that calms me down is agreeing with the thoughts until the anxiety goes away but then I feel like a dickhead for agreeing with them. My fiancé has told me that even if we break up she still wants us to be best friends because she knows we love each other but she just doesn’t know if this will work out because I can’t let go of the past. I know I shouldn’t use this as reassurance but I do. I tell myself things like “at least I’ll always have her in my life” when I’m feeling extra guilty or depressed. Thank you so much for allowing me to vent. Today when you get home instead of indulging in rumination, indulge in some ice cream and Netflix. If you can pass by Walgreens and buy ashwaganda. It helps me a lot with anxiety

@One Day at a time Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I can imagine that was hard and I think you’re strong for sharing all of that. Even though this is anonymous I can tell you have strength, courage, and a good heart. I can tell you love you fiancé. This kind of OCD seems to attack the things (or people) we love most. It’s so interesting. When I was a teenager until I was like 20 I would sleep around and party a lot and just let guys take advantage of me. And I cheated on my last bf. This bothered me but never latched onto my OCD until I met my current boyfriend. I felt a different kind of love for him and it was the first time I really felt in love and felt this is who I’m meant to be with. And his past was so much cleaner than mine. So I think this is why my ROCD latched into it. OCD just loves to target our mistakes and make us feel shamed and that we don’t deserve these people. But we do. We are more than our OCD. And I really appreciate you allowing me to vent too. It’s nice knowing I’m not alone and it felt good to share this with someone who knows how painful this can be!

Exactly dude OCD will literally never be satisfied and I know that, my dumbass just keeps falling for it every time :/ it’s so convincing and it feels so real. It’s actually kind of amazing that the brain can do this to us. I keep falling for the exact same tricks smh. At least we’re learning. We will make it through this

@One Day at a time I had a rational thinking moment and honestly I believe it and know it to be true. The fact of the matter is I was friend zoning everyone or doing things to avoid disrespecting my partner and feeling guilty I wouldnt even answer dms and Id ignore ppl and if I accidently opened a dm I would reply cold to the max or with a simple gif so lets say I did speak to that person during my relationship it wouldn’t make sense to send a nude or a sext at all what so ever because the entire time i was avoiding feeling guilty and disrespecting my partner on top of that at that time i actually was into someone as well but i friend zoned them because what that person and I had was in the past and it wasnt worth ruining what I had with my partner so I turned down someone i really liked why wouldn’t I turn down some pathetic hoe as well