I had a lot of trouble last year with my relationship, no matter how much reassurance my Bf would give me I was always afraid he was going to leave me. Towards the end of our relationship I was anxious and crying a lot. He couldn’t take it anymore. He fell out of love with me. We broke up not just because of that but because we both weren’t on the same page as to what we wanted out of our relationship. Which is why I just thought that’s what caused my anxiety. We broke September and I thought I could finally relax a little because the anxiety had lifted. Come December though my mind had lost it. I’ve had extremely grueling intrusive thoughts/images pretty much every day since. Ones of harming people I love. I have no history of violence what so ever. I was the naive church girl growing up. I always wanted to help people as much as I could. I was never a vengeful person. In fact if i had a argument with someone I’d have to fix it right away. I couldn’t stand them being upset with me. This has been going on for 8 months now. I find it hard to think of anything else. I google a lot to see if my thoughts are normal or not. I have to constantly reassure myself things are going to be okay and that I won’t hurt anyone. Most days I don’t like to be touched or sometimes it’s hard for me to even talk. I feel scared all the time. I went to my doctor for depression and anxiety and they put me on lexapro which only seemed to make me more jittery and anxious. Then Zoloft which helped but then stopped working. I’m not on Paxil w/Xanax to help the panic attacks. But I can’t tell if it’s working. I almost feel like it’s not because everyday I break down and cry. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I should be locked away. I have a therapy appointment in two weeks. I’m trying to hold on and not freak out for the time being.

First, take a deep breath. You’re not crazy and you do not need to be locked away. I’ve had OCD my entire life. Thoughts of harm, intrusive sexual thoughts, you name it...I’ve thought it. Keep taking your medication as prescribed. Go to your counselor. Post here to people that understand. You will make it through even if it feels unbearable. I’ve been married 11 years and my ocd now has attached itself to my spouse-is he a bad person, will he cheat, will he harm me. It takes its toll on relationships. I’m learning to not go to him when I’m anxious, but come here. Work through the uncertainty myself. Nothing in life is guaranteed and certain. It’s a process and you can do it!!!

Do you see therapy for ocd?

I went to a therapist once and he told me it’s just anxiety and not ocd bc most my compulsions are inner not outer. I didn’t even get to tell him all about what was going on because I felt like he didn’t believe me. I felt very discouraged after. But I went back to my primary for a referral and I’m supposed to see someone in two weeks. I’m fairly certain I have ocd but even sometimes i think it’s not ocd I’m just a horrible person. I’ve never hurt anyone but I’m afraid I have some secret part of me that wants to or will. It scares the crap out of me. I don’t feel like myself. The only emotion I feel anymore is sadness or crying. I just don’t understand. I can do normal things like go to work or drive but I’m always always thinking(or I guess ruminating on why I think or feel the way I do.) my mom is so concerned I think she partially blames herself. Because she has anxiety too. I feel awful all the time. I really don’t know how I can recover. I wish this never happened to me. I feel like I’m out of control or my mind and body. I thought I had things together in my life but this anxiety/ocd has taken control. Even typing all this makes me feel bad because I don’t want to be someone who whines about how hard things are. I have a beautiful big family(never been married or had kids) tons of things to feel grateful for but my mind won’t let me. It tells me I’m a horrible person. I feel like I’ll never have a family of my own Bc I can’t handle the stress of myself let alone of a family. I feel so alone.

I do too. I’m so disappointed in myself for not being able to control this