I would just like to say that I am doing so much better than 5 months ago. And that in itself is a blessing. Yes I can still get horrible images and thoughts in my mind. Not as many as before, and they dont hold as much power anymore. What I'm struggling with is how to attack my irrational beliefs and understand the uncertainty behind a thing such as POCD. Any advice on people suffering from this?? Today I tried telling myself, "I'll never know if I am attracted to this kid or not, and that's okay." But really it's still bugging me.

Yeah.......hmmmm. Personally I don’t like the way a lot of therapists frame this. The ‘accept uncertainty’ take on it infers a state of 50/50 confusion. Jon hershfield states it better that accepting uncertainty means it’s greater than 0%. Another way to frame it is confidence over certainty. People can notice beauty in minors without it becoming overtly sexual. For example I notice young girls who really look beautiful and I can imagine they’d grow up to be quite attractive. Not sure if that’s a paedophilic tendency or not. I don’t think so but I can’t be sure ? I dunno. Hope that helps. Did you get thoughts or images? Anything in your background that the ocd grabbed onto or just appear out of nowhere?

I honestly like that percent greater than zero idea. I'm gonna try using that. I get both thoughts and images. Usually these days I only get images that are bad when I'm anticipating things too much but they're not as bad either. The thoughts are what can be harder because they are what create these notions that I am what I know im not regardless of how I try to face it. Usually it holds onto any male child in front of me that I may think is adorable or cute. It starts to take that and twist it into something else

I take it you’re a teacher then? Primary school? It’s horrid how it can twist that stuff because it’s the self flagelation it creates which harms you. I’m the opposite. I can have it try to say shit like ‘you wanna dick that person’ and I’m like yeah totally. Now where’s my groinal bitch! But showing me videos? OMFG. I feel like it’s happening and makes me feel tarnished.

and yeah I get you perfectly. I still don’t understand how OCD can be so evil when it’s trying to protect.

OCD will do this. I go to a survivors group and talk about all this and I’m not sure even they get it. I think this is the problem with OCD. It has a plethora of tricks but it has to be seen as either a bully or a crazy best friend that just doesn’t let go. Content is trash. Focus on the process. Identify when you are powering one of the many processes that define your thinking, and change those processes.

Idk if this makes sense, but I have literally seen my OCD in action. I have seen it take something like a childs arm and try to turn it into something I should be looking at deviously, while I'm still aware that that is not the case. Get me?

With ERP I've been able to face students and children I could not before, but now it's trying things with other students. It is always at work too, my last therapist insists this is because I have more responsibility there.

I'm a tutor in a middle school, so it can be really uncomfortable because the children at this age will talk about such inappropriate things and my OCD has a field day with it. It died down the rest of this week as I used the method you gave me, THANKYOU so much btw. But now its attacking my intimate time with my husband. So I guess it's going on this scale of things that I love or am actually comfortable with and attacking them one by one

Because earlier I would be able to actually escape from the thoughts when I was with him because I'm assuming all of the seratonin since I love him so much and we have such good times together. But now that I've approached almost everything I'm scared of, it's the deeper things such as our intimateness or the root of "attraction" that are not necessarily getting me to the point of rolling in a ball and crying like I used to. But more its enough anxiety, groinal response, and fear that it still bugs me.