So my head is telling me I miss the last three years of high school which were undoubtedly the worst years of my life primarily because of OCD. It’s done this loads, being that I want to make music that helps people which was influenced by the stuff I went through. For the last week or so my brains tried to convince me I miss it and because it’s been almost a year since, it’s not as clear. It started tonight when I was looking at my gallery on my camera and I passed photos Id taken in high school. I got a sad kind of anxious feeling in my stomach. Not nostalgia at all but a missing feeling. And my brain begins going “you miss all off it. What a great time” which isn’t true. I was so unhappy in high school mainly because of OCD to the point that at the time I despised high school and couldn’t wait for it to end and hopefully be happier in college (which I am). I began arguing and I’m 99% certain I don’t miss OCD and I don’t miss feeling like shit in my room on a night but I’ll be honest there are things I miss. Like for example: Do I miss being exhausted and drained by ocd every day along with regular school life? No. Do I miss exhausting myself avoiding kids in the hallway every time I’d have to wake around school? No. And trust me avoiding over 1000 kids even getting into your peripheral vision in a school is draining as hell. Do I miss sitting in my room on a night dealing with ocd and feeling sorry for myself over not being out? No. Do I miss repeating the same day of ocd over and over with the only slight break being the weekend? No. But Do I miss my yeargroup, the people I grew up with? Yes. Do I miss my teachers? Yes. Do I miss some of the funny moments? Yes. That’s what I mean, I feel as though it’s not that I miss high school but regret it. I want to look back and think “wow what a great period” but I never can because of OCD. I’ve said it before to myself I don’t miss the high school that I had, I miss the high school I could’ve had, as in one without ocd where I was going out with friends. But it makes me feel like I’m lying, like I miss the ocd and like I miss sitting in even though I’m miles happier in college now that I don’t have ocd as bad usually and when I can (due to lockdown) go out compared to when I never used to in high school. I don’t know how to explain it but I know deep down it’s regret. I don’t miss the OCD although like I said, my brain tells me I do. I remember leaving high school and thinking “fuck this place, I hate it, i can’t wait to leave” and then when I left it hit me, what I’m certain is regret. Because it’s not a “I miss the whole thing” it’s a “I miss elements of high school but I don’t miss feeling like shit all the time and stressing out and being drained”.