Had a few good months. Although I am still not sure whether I have real event OCD or am just a horrible person, I managed to have quite a good daily life and could even talk about marriage again with my bf, which was a hard trigger before. Yesterday, while cleaning, I accidentally read a private sheet of paper, laying on his drawer. I glanced on it and looked righ away but I read something like an affirmation for an upcoming exam. In this second I got the urge again, to confess, to tell that I invaded his privacy, which I know he doesn't like. To confess my mistake and to let him know what kind of girlfriend he has, for he has a right to know and so on. Unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough to resist this compulsion so I told him in the evening. And after that it pretty much went downhill. All those questions that I stopped answering in those months popped back up and seemed as urgent as they could, I remembered more things I may have or have done wrong and that he "has a right to know" and I am devastated. It was so hard to get to a point where I could endure this thoughts even though they felt real. I feel like I have to start all over again now. It is so hard. I am from Germany, we are in a hard lockdown, I can't see no one and there is no perspective. I have to study but I can't anymore, I studied law and I should do more but all I can manage is watch TV and play video games so I don't have to listen to my mind. I am so tired, and now I feel like I am back to zero. OCD is such a bitch, if you give in one time it snatches right onto you again. I know that only a few of you are actually going to read all this, but I feel so lonely. I really try to cope with my mental health issues, but the lockdown makes it incredibly hard to do so. I know that I just need to do the same things I did before. Small steps, acceptance & commitment, accepting uncertainty. But maybe you could leave a few kind words or just any words at all. I just want to connect to people, I feel so isolated...

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

Don’t give up .

SoMi1907

Date posted: 4y

Thank you!!!

Date posted: 4y

One thing I learnt from my law studies, is that if one accidentally stumbles upon something confidential, they immediately have to keep that in confidence. You didn’t mean to invade his privacy, and you deeply care and respect that. You only confessed to him, and now OCD is making you doubt your values of your relationship with him - and you have to not let OCD have power over that! As for the remembrance of other things, OCD loves to pick on things from the past and irrationally make you overthink and analyse on them and catastrophise. Don’t engage on those compulsions, OCD only wants you to feed it more. Instead, try focusing on the present. Acknowledge these thoughts, acknowledge your frustration, and then gently think about your surroundings. What do you sense around you? Practicing mindfulness helps you think more logically, and most importantly, not give attention to those thoughts. Think of those thoughts like a train, they’re just passing by. In the meantime, are you seeking teletherapy? I’m not sure how OCD is treated in Germany, but if you aren’t seeing a therapist right now cause of waitlists and COVID, maybe try buying or loaning a self help OCD ebook? And try to keep yourself as productive as you can, like doing art, cooking, taking up some new hobby like nail painting - anything to break away from the current routine and just enjoy life a little.

SoMi1907

Date posted: 4y

Thank you, you kind soul! I was in therapy but it didn't really help. My therapist had a few good things that really helped, but on the other hand she suggested things like "just letting it go" and "just telling the things that bother me to my bf". So it was kind of a mixed relationship and I often felt worse after therapy, not in the normal way but because she contradicted so much of what I've already learned. She also said that erp is useless for pure O and things like that. I bought a lot of self help books, but I never found one that targeted real event ocd, the books I read were always treating those "future" topics, which I can handle very well (at last :D). So my OCD jumped to past events and it never was as bad as it is now. Covid & lockdown doesn't make it easier, and en plus, I really have to study but I can't because I am so tired and at the same time I am relieved that I can't because I always get confronted with how little I know and how much I have to do if I study....if that does make sense?

Date posted: 4y

@SoMi1907 Real event is the worst but also, sometimes your mind is going to pick at something irrationally from your past. I’m also seeing a CBT therapist who doesn’t do ERP (in my case) but he did recommend me to look at cognitive distortions, which is relevant in OCD, perhaps researching about that might help? In terms of therapists, keep searching, there should be plenty out there. It seems like that therapist doesn’t have a good understanding of OCD. In terms of studying, there’s a lot of YouTubers that have tips on studying remote. There is also plenty of “study with me” videos to mimic having a study buddy too (along with background noises and timers so you don’t get burnt out). Try making your desk set up as comfortable as possible as well. Is there a way your University Disability Services can do anything to make studying at home easier?

SoMi1907

Date posted: 4y

@sana.k There certainly is, but I'm not sure the Germans are progressive enough to see ocd as a disability. It is a good idea though!! I am aware of cognitive distortions. It is a good idea, maybe I have to refresh by reading a few books again..

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