Tw I want to kill myself but I also want to be alive so badly. I have two exams this week and one tomorrow and I haven’t even started studying and I don’t know anything. I hate it because I was irritated when my parents kept telling me to study but I can’t do anything I just want to die I don’t even think the material is that hard there’s just a lot of it and I can’t even remember the last time I was able to focus I just wish I died right now what’s the point of studying if I’ll hate myself forever lmaooooooooooooo

I don't know how to do it anymore. I have these constant urges to replay and revisit certain moments (where I think I hurt someone) and analyse them. I also want to confess to everyone I know... about everything. All I feel at the moment is disgust which has been growing more and more for the past weeks as I've been constantly feeding on tremendous levels of shame and disgust. I wonder how I could ever act on an urge and hurt my brother (even I never would intentionally because I love him more than my life, and because I don't want to be a person that causes pain to anyone in any way or shape). I wonder how I got here. It all started with thoughts. But it all ended in a huge, huge disaster with me as a monster in the centre of it. I'm really tired. I'm also scared because I'm convinced I will fail ALL my exams, therefore I will not be able to complete my second year at uni. Everything is getting worse and worse, and I barely have any energy left. I know I sound dramatic, which I apologise for, but I honestly feel like this is the end for me.

I'm lowkey afraid that I might kill myself. Yesterday, I had really bad thoughts about different ways to kill myself to the point it was hard to concentrate on my studies. I have days where I don't want to kill myself and days that I deserve to die. I just feel very hopeless about the future.

TW/ I don't know what to do anymore 😔 Struggling with real event/false memory ocd is so hard. Last weekend, I was planning on committing suicide but I couldn't tell my siblings what was wrong cuz I feel like they wouldn't understand. I feel so underserved and unwanted sometimes and it would be better if I leave this earth. I would compare myself to people who done harmful things to other people, but deep down inside I'm none of these people AT ALL. Tbh, I will be surprised if I make out alive by the end of next year. I struggle with self-harm as well and there are times where I really I had to fight the urge to self-harm. This has been so horrible because I failed all my classes this semester and I'm not sure if I'm going to be back to school next semester. I just feel like a failure. I don't even remember being fully happy. At this point I just want to leave and never come back. I know my friends and family would be sad when I committ suicide, but I think they would live a better life when I'm not in it.