Tw I want to kill myself but I also want to be alive so badly. I have two exams this week and one tomorrow and I haven’t even started studying and I don’t know anything. I hate it because I was irritated when my parents kept telling me to study but I can’t do anything I just want to die I don’t even think the material is that hard there’s just a lot of it and I can’t even remember the last time I was able to focus I just wish I died right now what’s the point of studying if I’ll hate myself forever lmaooooooooooooo

Does this happen with you also, just few days or a month before exams ocd tends to increase so much that you can't study even when you sit with books after meditating and with a calm mind. Please tell me how to get out of this anxious feeling and study in a normal course. It is becoming harder day by day for me to get out of this.

i’m so tired of everything i can’t take the ocd on top of school life no friends no love never will find good love. i can’t be out publicly i’ll never be in the right body i’ll never be happy and stable i just want to dissapear. I will never escape my ocd and my gender. i can’t do this my entire life.

For context, im going to college for 6 years (less than 2 years away to graduate college) to focus on fixing my GPA, volunteering, and MCAT studying... as well as graduating... My parents keep guilt tripping me and asking me questions like "did you know how much we've spent to keep you in college?" And telling me the amount they've spent on my college education... my mom keeps saying that "shes not trying to make me feel guilty, but it's a fact you have to accept..." I know they've spent a lot of money to help me... my mom claims she spent over 70k on me... and I know they're suffering... but them constantly telling me the same thing and saying things like I should drop out to focus on making money to save is honestly degrading my mental health... My mom is the only one who knows the full extent of how extremely horrible my extremely awful and terrible POCD real events when i was either 13 or 14 were... so it feels like im indebted to her for helping me throughout... but her constantly asking me these kinds of questions and then saying "im not trying to make you feel guilty" is counterintuitive... UPDATE: when I called my mom just now... crying about how much I l0athe myself every time she guilt trips me, she kept bringing up her own pain, and that I didnt keep my promises... to the point where I genuinely asked her if I delete myself, will she be happy... she at first compared me to other kids who graduated in four years, then asked if I thought I had suffered more than she has... and if i did, that I should "stop talking to her"... I genuinely cant take this anymore... I cant take this from her anymore... I cant take life anymore... she makes me feel like I shouldn't be here... I genuinely dont want to be here...