Tw I want to kill myself but I also want to be alive so badly. I have two exams this week and one tomorrow and I haven’t even started studying and I don’t know anything. I hate it because I was irritated when my parents kept telling me to study but I can’t do anything I just want to die I don’t even think the material is that hard there’s just a lot of it and I can’t even remember the last time I was able to focus I just wish I died right now what’s the point of studying if I’ll hate myself forever lmaooooooooooooo

Today my mom broke down crying because of how much stress she feels having to take care of me, she said I can’t do anything in terms of being able to take care of myself and she’s right I can’t, she breaks down constantly because of me, I don’t know what to do, it’s been like this for years, part of me feels like the only way to save her is to kill myself, I don’t want to die, but it feels like the only way to set her free, I don’t think anyone but her would miss me anyways, I feel utterly hopeless. I’m not going to do anything to myself the voices are just SCREAMING that I need to. I can’t work, I can’t go to school, I’m trying desperately to get therapy, I don’t know what else to do, I wish I was a child again and I felt like I had a chance to be okay. I love my mom so much and she loves me and I’m killing her, I’m actually killing her, with how fuckinh worthless and pathetic I am, it’s too much, I miss being a kid.

I know that hope will come when I find the right treatment, but I’m just feeling so down and frustrated right now. I can’t keep living like this and I’m worried I’m going to lose all the people I care about if I keep constantly asking for reassurance. Academics has always been so important to me and I’m probably going to fail my law school midterm tomorrow from how little I’ve studied due to obsessing and ruminating all day instead of studying. I’m truly so sad.

so I feel like I’m finally having an academic comeback after years of failing & I’m currently looking at pinterest for that motivation. there are videos that are helpful tools for college students like websites that read chapter books and summarize/create notes & it seems pretty cool. but I somehow deny using those tools bc it feels like I’m cheating. my mind is like, “no, you will study the TRADITIONAL way (which idek what it rlly is)” I don’t know why my brain is doing this to me. I feel like these apps could be beneficial to my learning. what’s ironic is that I literally googled all my assignment answers for one class at the last minute to get some grades in. this is a retake class but because I was so behind on everything, I just looked up the answers. so that really does count as cheating. like bruh 😭 I did it to save myself from a bad class grade. I’m definitely going to study the rest of this semester. I have officially began taking notes and actually doing schoolwork. someone help me!!! these videos look like great resources but my mind is telling me otherwise. another thing is that I’m still lost on what to major in. I keep changing career choices and my head’s gonna explode. there are so many things I wanna say but I don’t want the post to be long. I just want to get good grades and understand the material!!! someone help me >n<