why did i watch those videos... what was i thinking??? how was i so immature and stupid?? i hate myself so much and i dont know what to do

It's really interesting to see how our brain is capable of going rogue and turn against itself. In the last days I was able to attack my OCD by ending an obsession, and it's almost funny to see how OCD works when the main obsession is erased. Today I spilled a cup of water on the floor, and my brain just said "If you clean it, you will be a pedo" and I was like wtf?????

idk if that a compulsion or no

@e Assuming you are talking about gore videos or child p*rn, yes, there have been cases of people of POCD or HOCD checking to see if they get aroused by watching those videos. I used to do it too (I'm also a minor) and I felt very guilty after it. It is after all a compulsion so the only way for you to deal with it is to accept that it is a compulsion, and next time you DON'T watch those videos. Not doing compulsions will mess up the obsessions and you will literally feel OCD losing its power.

@Tartarium1234 i haven’t watched the videos in months but i feel so much shame. i hate my past self so much, how can i forget it?? my ocd is revolving around it because its a real event and thats why its saying im such a horrible person. i haven’t done any compulsions but its still there

@e Feeling regret is something good, it means you know how bad it is do something like that, and that if you could, you would have never done it. If you were even close to what a pedo is, you would have felt guilt too, yes, but you wouldn't feel "immature and stupid". Remember that you can't change what happened, but you control the present and have the ability to understand that you did it while checking if you felt arousal and nothing more.

@Tartarium1234 the thing is, i was not dealing with pocd at the time. i was just a stupid, curious teenager with terrible impulsivity issues. i understand it was wrong and i regret it. it’s really scary for me to say this i really am so sorry. i don’t like telling anyone because im scared of losing friends or getting in trouble. i am different now and i’ve learned that that was a mistake. my ocd is just not letting me forget about it, and it is making me dwell about what might happen in the future. i feel like i do not deserve to marry, or a have a job

@e That makes things even simpler. Everyone did something on their teens year that they regret. We are moved by impulsivity and end up doing stupid things that don't align with who we are. Hell, I watched gore for the first time at 12 years old because some people commented about a video on facebook, and what did I do? Out of curiosity I searched and searched until I found the video. I watched it and I had no reaction to it, I just shut it down. When Harm OCD appeared, 2 years ago, I remembered that video and how I didn't even react to it, I also thought that this made me the worst person on earth and that I deserved to die, but the thing is, as long as we understand that we did something bad and we regret it, we deserve to forgive ourselves. We all have things we regret and we don't tell them to our friends, to our family. I wouldn't tell my friends that I have OCD, they would never understand how I feel and would end up misunderstanding it. You absolutely deserve to get married if you want to, or to have a job, and live the best life possible :D You should try to get a therapist if you are able to, they help a lot.

@Tartarium1234 When we stop doing compulsions for any theme, it’s so hard how ocd throws things at you to DO compulsions, do we just have to keep fighting?

@Tartarium1234 woah, really? it’s quite scary, cuz my brain has really convinced me all these things. i immediately get anxious when i wake up, and then i’m reminded of what happened. i really want to tell my friends what happened and what i watched, but i’m terrified of their reactions. maybe it’s a compulsion, i’m not sure. i would love to! although i’m still 16, and my parents do not believe i have ocd that bad :/ i’ll have to wait until i’m an adult

@Tartarium1234 i came back to this comment, sorry if it annoys you. my ocd is telling me ‘this isnt just a mistake, you broke the law’ and that i cant just learn from it. it’s really difficult. even though i’m not an adult. it’s really annoying me.

@e The fact that you are still thinking about it is more than enough to prove that you suffer from OCD xD

i dont like saying it

the thing is it’s not a common thing to do... it’s horrible. i’m still a minor, so it wasn’t bad but my brain is making it out to be that i’m a p and that i should die i dont know what to do im so sorry