i slept terribly and now i’m anxious. can someone help calm me down?

This is really good advice

should i just accept that they’re there? or be like ‘yeah, id do it again’ ?

@e Yes whatever it is believe your thoughts. No matter what just believe them. Be like “ yes your right ocd” and I promise u they will start to go away.

@ocddestroyer okay, thank you. right now my hardest thing is guilt and shame. i cant seem to forgive myself. i dont even know if i want to! i feel like noone will love me for what i did. i dont know if that is ocd talking or not

@e Hm not sure. Maybe speak to a therapist to best help you.

@ocddestroyer I've been trying to do this as well. Everybody keeps saying that I shouldn't worry but I think that's what my OCD wants me to hear so it can just be stronger. I've been trying to agree with the thoughts and I guess it might work. I just hate that this event even happened in the first place tbh. Time travel would be so nice

@BigGip09 me too. the first time i relapsed, i agreed with the thoughts and they went away very fast. but now the shame is eating me alive, and constantly making me cry.

@e My event happened in October, a little bit after when I joined this community which I'm thankful for but I still can't let it go even though I feel like I sometimes worry and sometimes don't. I just wish it could stay that way forever. So I can no longer think about the event and believe everyone when they say I'm not a monster and I didn't do anything wrong. I wanna believe it so bad but the worrying stops me

@BigGip09 mine was around that time too. i understand your pain. i hope your worrying goes away some day.

@e Yeah, you too. Sometimes when I see it as a mistake I'm fine but then OCD disagrees with me and makes me want to think about it more. This time I've tried agreeing with it so it could just go away. Everybody's told me that this was either a mistake, not something to worry about, or something that shouldn't even matter anymore even if I did worse than that, like watch the videos again, search for them continuously, or even save them which I've done none of those. I didn't even watch the video at all, but ocd loves to overlook that part. I'm gonna try not to get sucked in

@BigGip09 you’ve got this man. ocd is horrible, but you can beat it. i hate that i watched those videos. its killing me and idk what to do.

@e Thanks, but I just don't feel like I do sometimes. I think you can get over this too, since you didn't know the videos were bad at the time but now you do. Don't beat yourself up over that you did the best you could.

@e I know somebody on here who I'm really great friend with and she's just like you. Your age, real event, and pretty much all the same things you've told me she's told me. I'm glad you two are helping me and getting help yourselves.

@BigGip09 really? did she search for the videos too? i feel really alone in this, so talking to others can really help. although talking about it too much can make me very anxious. seriously, you can do this. i just don’t know if i should forgive myself.

@e Know that no matter what happens in life, you're never alone. Someone could be in the same boat as you or worse. I feel it's better she shares those experiences in her own words since it's very much personal for her too, but when I talk to you, it's like I'm talking to her again. Thinking I'm not so bad, stressing about her own things but at the same time being so helpful in this community. You both are good people. I don't know if talking about it will help you in the long run because that may be reassuring. ERP is what will help us. It's just so hard to understand and stick with when we start to get it.

@BigGip09 i feel like i might know her. is she british or canadian ? i met two girls the other day and they are my age, dealing with real event and one of them mentioned being close with you. nothing about videos though. if it’s someone else, i’d love to speak with her :) a big fear of mine is wondering what my future lover will say if i tell them. it’s scary! i hope this all stops soon, for both of us.

@e Oh really? What a coincidence, I had no idea. You two would be really good friends, I know that for sure! I fear about romance in the future as well. I try not to worry about it too much because it isn't something I need but it's something I'd love to have in my life with someone my age or someone older. Never any younger.

@BigGip09 please do lmk if she would like to talk!! it would be good to share the same experience with someone. my heart rate is through the roof lately, thinking of everything so much. it hurts, honestly. why did i watch those videos? why did i continue? why didn’t i just think for a moment? it really is hard to deal with this, i might cry, hah. romance is difficult, life is difficult and i hate it.

@e Yeah maybe one day you two will see each other eventually. It won't feel like that forever. You're still young and you just didn't know like you said. Your OCD is twisting things up and you just have to sit with it all. I know it sucks because I'm still trying to do it too. There's times where I have a moment of clarity but then right after that I'm back to ruminating. I don't want to keep doing this so I'm trying to break the cycle. Have hope, buddy. And keep telling yourself you're not alone, okay?

@BigGip09 thats the same with me! i have these random bursts of happiness, but then seconds later i’m back to being depressed and suicidal. it’s really horrible. i’m really trying. i’m trying my very best. i relapsed at the start of this month, and i’m worried it’s going to happen again. people keep telling me to get professional help, but i can’t. this is really tough. i’m gonna keep trying. i can’t let this win

@e You got this, e. I believe in you, honestly. You want help, and you deserve it. I really do wish you the best. I hope you're seeing better days too.

@BigGip09 thank you so so much. you’re an amazing person, seriously. also, just a question. is wanting to tell your friends about your event a compulsion? i have really strong urges to tell them what i did because i feel like i’m hiding myself from them... i also find myself thinkjng of how to tell my future partner what i did.

@e Yeah, that's confessing. This is beginning to be a huge compulsion of mine right now. I tell everybody I can about my event. I always seek reasurrance to see if people would hate me for this event and they never do. But I can't seem to stop. I'm going to try and stop doing that as well along with my other compulsions and taking a break from social media. Maybe to show my brain and body that I don't need to do these things to feel safe?

@BigGip09 ahhh okay. i really hate telling people what i did. i’ve only told two people (the girls i met) the entire situation. even though i’m a minor, i still feel awful. i know one day we will both be okay. don’t confess!! don’t let ocd win.

@e I feel like when you get much older than you are now, none of this will matter for you!

@BigGip09 yeah! i really hope not. i know i’m not a predator or anything, but i still feel so awful.

@e Yeah I'm in the same boat. More disturbed that the event happened than I am worried I'm hurt someone because I know I wouldn't. Maybe I'm just hurting myself a little too much and I should let myself up

@BigGip09 i have really strong urges to tell you my event right now. fuck, it’s hard not to. i feel like you would hate me for it, even though i’m a minor and it’s not illegal. goddddd this is difficult!! you’ve got this, keep going

@e Yeah it's really difficult. I have really strong urges to confess too but I'm really trying not to. I'm really really trying not to do any compulsions but these things are like drugs at this point. But I'm still trying to fight it

@BigGip09 that’s true. compulsions are so addicting. i really hope some day this stops. godddd i have so much regret

@e Please don't feel regret. Let it go. Live and learn. I know it's not easy because of your OCD. Try to go do something today. I think I'm going to log off for today. You should too.

@BigGip09 i’m trying. something is really killing me, i don’t think it’s easy to let go. i’m feeling a little better now. i hope you feel better tomorrow :)