Does anyone else have EXTREME anxiety about dying? I’m so fucking terrified. I think about it all the time.

I have had anxiety episodes on and off for most of my life, and when I was 28 I went to the doctor's and was diagnosed with GAD. I'm currently in therapy as well. But sometimes I wonder if my GAD is actually Pure OCD. One of the main themes of my anxiety at the moment is the fear of death and dying. This is how my thought processes typically work: I'll see someone (eg my parents or other family members), and then I think about their age. If they are old, this sets me thinking morbid thoughts, eg worrying that the person may die within a few years. If they are younger than me, I feel sad that I'll never be that young again. Then it sets me off thinking about how I myself am getting older. Then I worry about how I'll feel when I'm older. For example, I think "when I'm in my 70s or 80s will I be constantly worried about dying?" and "will I be able to enjoy myself when I'm old or will I be too worried?" (Here I'm actually worried that I'll be worried when I'm older - ie I'm worrying about worrying!) I then think how sad/disappointed I'll be if I don't get to do everything I wanted to do during my life. I also worry about what happens when someone dies (in the spiritual sense). I do believe in heaven and spirits, but being a scientifically-minded person I do sometimes get doubts about it, since it is difficult to believe in something when there's not much concrete evidence. The doubts make me feel worse. When I try to ignore these negative morbid thoughts, I then get a nagging feeling saying "doesn't it bother you that you and your loved ones will die one day?" and then the fear starts again. I also sometimes feel guilty about having these morbid thoughts, because it's bad to think about your loved ones dying and yourself dying. It also makes me feel that because I'm so scared of dying, I'm being ungrateful for life. But in reality I am grateful for life and I want to be able to enjoy it without these intrusive negative thoughts. I worry about the speed of time. For example, I can't believe the first 2 months of 2025 are nearly over! I worry "will I get old before I know it?" and "will I be dead and buried before I know it?" Even when there's no specific trigger, I can feel the existential thoughts in the back of my mind all the time, even when I'm doing things I would usually enjoy. I am autistic, and because of that I feel emotionally and mentally younger than my real age, like age dysphoria. All my life, I have felt younger than my real age, even in my childhood and teenage years!

Of course we can’t stop the inevitable but with my ocd it’s all I can think about. I’m afraid I’ll be alone for ever and I’ll fear forever. Fear does not stop death it stops life. But how do I stop fear??? I can’t think of anything scarier than the fact that our conscious will vanish for eternity. I am only 20 years old but I mean the last 5 years flew by like nothing.

When my friend was 17, she passed away. She had a heart condition which lead her to a heart attack, and it was devastating for all of us. Once I turned 17, everything came back. It started with research. I was constantly checking what the first sense to go was when you die, or how common a heart attack is. But now, it's turned into my brain telling me that if I don't stay up until 4:30 in the morning, when having to wake up at 6:30, then I will die, my family will die, or everyone will die. Or, if I don't touch my computer the exact same way 3 times I will die. I am so sick of these thoughts and I guess I just want to know that I'm not alone.