Does anyone struggle with the thought of not having a personality? And always comparing yourself to others? In a permanent existential crisis trying to make sense of it.

I'm also an infj introvert who probably didn't got her best upbringing in terms of emotional support and all that. So It kinda makes it worse. Its very tiring to feel like I'm always performing to show that I have a personality. And at the same time trying to be nice. I can only have the full range of my emotions when I'm at home. I know what I like. And usually is not the same others do. But even that is not enough. Im not exactly sure which person I am. It's like I adap to every person I'm with. I wish I was just the exact same to everybody.

@SensibleMari Only people with ocd have such high standards of how they should act to be authentic. All people act a little differently based on the context they’re in. You’re not supposed to act exactly the same with your closest friends as you do with colleagues, or your doctor, or during a presentation, or at a party of strangers. It would likely be pretty inappropriate actually. It’s great you feel really authentic at home. But the other versions are also you. Just you in a particular context.

@pureolife I'm very much in my head all the time. As if I lost spontaneity. At home it just flows. I'm not even thinking I just react. That's what I wish I could have with people outside my home. I'm always trying to not be perceived as the boring quiet person. But I still feel kinda detached even though I try to be social. I know we all act slightly different with different people. My boyfriend notices that as if it's a bad thing... When is it good and when is it bad? It's not like I change completely I just may bring different sides of me..

@SensibleMari I think it’s easiest to be authentic at home because you’re the only one perceiving you, so there are no interpretations and misunderstandings or outside judgments to worry about. You probably won’t feel as comfortable with other as alone. But why does that have to be a problem? In fact, trying to reach such an unrealistic standard of authenticity could be exactly what’s making you feel like something is wrong with you when there isn’t. If your boyfriend has pointed this out in a critical way, then that’s just a shitty judgment he’s made. And if he thinks he doesn’t do this too to a certain degree, then he’s just not very self reflective. Everyone does it. Now, if you were acting so differently around different people that you actually adopted different values, life goals, or ethics, then we could say there’s a problem. But displaying different sides of your personality depending on who you’re with is normal and a quality that actually shows a lot of emotional intelligence (you know which parts of yourself are most complimentary to the company you’re currently keeping.)

@pureolife Thanks a lot for your input :) I agree with you deep down. I just get obsessed about it because I still feel trapped inside my head when in public. I just need to make the click. My therapist says that I just need to connect with myself and find who I am..

@SensibleMari That doesn’t sound like an ocd specialist... is this a general therapist? Because what it sounds like is that someone untrained in ocd is actually encouraging you to do compulsions by mistake.

@SensibleMari What you need to do so to STOP spending so much time trying to figure out who you are. There will never be an answer good enough for ocd. And feeding ocd will only make you less sure, not more.

@pureolife Yeah she's not specific. I don't have a diagnose of anything. I just go there because it's affordable. But I don't know.. I get more quality information on the internet and by journaling more. Thank you once again for your time :)

@SensibleMari I see! Yes this would be the approach specifically for ocd with mental compulsions, but if you aren’t necessarily dealing with ocd than some self inquiry could be helpful and worthwhile. I’d leave that up to you and your therapist in that case.

Interesting.. how do you do that work? You got any conclusion?

@SensibleMari So far I haven't really reached a very strong conclusion and it's definitely something that I'm working on in therapy, especially since it is linked with a traumatic event. It helps me to know that life isn't a race, and I'm on my own path. I'm religious, so that helps sometimes too. I like to focus on my strengths while validating my perceived weaknesses and trying to work through them. It helps that I have a job and go to school, and to focus on what is in control vs. what is not in my control. I like having control in social interactions with my friends, etc. It also helps to appreciate how far I've come!

@Cooculie Looks like you're doing great! Keep going. You'll get there :)