Okay so, I'd like to tell my story for the first time, even though I still struggle with the idea of it because of the fear of being rejected... I am white, and two years ago I got in first contact with anti-racism activism. The first things I read and came in contact with made me freak out excessively, for reasons I don't know yet. I got an intense panic of my reality and sense of truth being turned upside down, as well of constant doubting about what was I doing right or wrong. I had many strong fears and other really negative emotions and doubts suddenly emerging as I was trying to learn and read other perspectives online. I got obsessed with the fear it provoked me, and most importantly, the fear of my own weakness being displayed in such an important and sensitive topic. I hated myself for having such intense anxiety, so I compulsively looked for stimulus that could trigger my anxiety. I wanted to expose myself so I could get over it and be stronger. I would not stop thinking about anti-racism the whole day, and I would get trouble sleeping. I could not leave my phone. I couldn't stop stalking social media activists, and I would spend hours checking other tagged accounts, falling into a spiral of stalking and eventually having an anxiety and doubting breakdown, followed by intense catastrophic thinking. I felt (and still feel) surveilled by myself and other people online. My fears became more sophisticated the more I learnt. I gazed multiple times every corner of the anti-racism online activism. Eventually I came across the concept of "white fragility", and it's definition made so much sense that it just fed my intrusive thoughts and self-loathing. To this day I haven't gotten over it. Only someone with white fragility would experience the emotions I was feeling. My rumination found another topic to fixate over. One day I started thinking if my behaviour was anything normal, since I would relate everything to my obsession, I was definitely feeling depressed and my repetitive behaviour would last the whole day. That's when I googled about OCD, and after a while reflecting I started taking it seriously. The doubts, the hatred for myself, the compulsions and the triggers are really something unbearable. Uncertainty has taken over my whole worldview, and in my bad OCD days I still reject the idea of having it, because "I am definitely a white supremacist and have white fragility and I'm just making up excuses". Social media has only validated my OCD and nurtured my compulsions. But listening to other people, seeking for help and learning more about the little details of OCD really makes me feel like there is hope and I'll be fine 💟. This has become my safe space, and I have developed such empathy and love for all of you that really makes my days better. I still haven't gotten over it, and I still don't know where do my fear comes from, but I will be okay. Sorry for writing so much, it is the first time I voice all of this. Thank you for reading 💟