I feel like I’m not getting better. There are some thoughts that I’m too afraid to share with my therapist and it bugs me. She’s talked about that theme with me before so I know she understands it but for some reason I can’t say them to her. I’m afraid that I’ll never get better if I don’t share the thoughts. And it’s like, I want to tell her. But I’m afraid she’ll judge me or if I say them out loud then it makes them real or something. I also just feel so defeated because this is forever. There is no cure for OCD and I have to accept that. I guess I just keep hoping that it’ll go away or someone will discover the miracle cure and we will all be okay once we take it. I know I can recover and I know it’s possible to live a full and happy life with OCD. It just all feels very overwhelming sometimes. Even when I feel good, I’m always aware of OCD, like it’s in the back of my mind waiting to attack. And I’m living my life around it, making sure I don’t trigger the bully. And it’s not fun, I don’t feel happy because all I do is avoid things that could cause anxiety or thoughts or a panic attack or even mild discomfort. I’m just venting because I feel alone and I know someone here might understand. Thanks for reading.

I understand that, when I’m having fun I think what’s the point because OCD will come back soon and ruin it. And I feel guilty about doing things instead of analyzing my thoughts sometimes. Like it’s my responsibility to make sure this doesn’t happen but instead I’m just enjoying myself and somehow that means I’m a bad person. I hope we can live a fulfilling life someday too, I know it’s possible it just takes a lot of work.

@0823 Yes, sometimes Ill be having funa nd enjoying life and there comes ocd ruining it. Right now Im just ruminating a lot and i feel guilty everytime I try to ignore it and go on with my life. But its hard to do so eith ocd constantly in the background

@luchalysol Ruminating is my biggest compulsion, it’s so hard to stop. And it feels like you have to do it or the thought will come true. I try to just stop myself every time I catch myself ruminating. I label it by saying “I’m ruminating and that’s not helpful right now.” Labeling it as unhelpful can make it easier to let go sometimes

@0823 Imma try that. I try to interrupt my ruminating or compulsion phrases which then maked me feel guilty as if i like the thoughts. Im super confused right now but Im trying to trust that Im not evil

@luchalysol I get that, OCD is so confusing. It’s like I don’t feel like myself but then I’m afraid that the thoughts do define me. I just keep reminding myself that anxiety will go down on it’s own if I don’t ruminate or engage in compulsions. And yes trusting yourself can be hard with OCD, I have such a hard time making decisions because of it. But every time we choose to trust ourselves and ERP, the closer we get to recovery.

@0823 Yes, once I had my first full blown ocd episode just last year, a lot of things made a lot of sense. Ive lowkey had it since I was a kid. And it also made sense why O was always afraid of going out alone with my son, I always had this fear that someone would kidnap him. And a host of a bunch of things. But the more I trust myself the better it gets but its hard when ocd decided to amp up the ante and makes things worse.

@luchalysol I have the same fears except I’m afraid I’ll get kidnapped or attacked when I leave the house, so I stopped leaving the house. I’ve gotten better now and I’m at the point where I can leave and do things I just have a lot of anxiety coming with me. And I guess that’s the answer, is to just let the anxiety come along and not avoid things. But I get how scary it can be because the thoughts feel so real and you want to avoid the thoughts coming true, even if there’s a small chance that they will. And I have experienced OCD upping the ante, like once you start trusting yourself more it throws something completely new at you to gain back some control.

@0823 This is exactly what Im gping through except Im afraid to go out eith anyone out of fear Im going to hurt them. I get a lot of anxiety. I try to act normal but Im a mess inside. But yes, that is exactly what ocd does, it wants control by any means necessary

@luchalysol I get the fear that you might hurt someone, I feel that way when I’m driving sometimes because I’m like responsible for their lives or something. It can be isolating and debilitating. And right I try to act normal too and no one else can see what’s happening in my head. It really is a silent disorder unless you have very obvious physical compulsions. We just have to keep taking back control and trusting ourselves one moment at a time.

@0823 Exactly this! Thats exactly how I feel when I drive people places. The only physical compulsions I have is shaking my head or scrunching my face in disgust. It truly is a silent disorder. You try your best to seem normal and its exhausting

@luchalysol I scrunch my face in disgust a lot too, and I have some compulsions I do with my hands like squeezing them into fists. At least we can be open about it here, I’ve been feeling really alone lately but just coming on this app and seeing I’m not alone in having this helps so much.

@0823 Agreed, this app is our safe haven, where we can talk and even though it sucks that we all live with this horrible condition, its stil comforting to know there are people who understand

@luchalysol Yeah it’s nice to be part of a community, it’s sad that we are all struggling with something as difficult as OCD but I am thankful to have a place like this